Apropos of nothing…
These are a few things i will not ask of my children as i continue to age…
1. Expect them to take an active role in my personal care. They will not have to wash my bits, change my undergarments or remove sticky chunks of partially eaten food from my clothing after a meal. i will, however, expect them to make fun of me for my failure to do any of the above.
2. Find value amongst things i treasure. If i save something because i want to, it will be entirely up to them as to the future disposition of it. Save it or shove it. Sell it or burn it. i don’t care…
3. Manage my finances. Not only because they shouldn’t have to worry about it? But because i don’t trust one of them… and he knows who he is. Financing his future MTV reality show on “How I Blew My Mom’s Money On Hookers and Weed” is simply not happening.
4. Clean my house. Fuck that. They aren’t that good at it, which is why i hired help after my last promotion.
5. Call me weekly just so i can report out on every meal i’ve had since our previous conversation. i can virtually guarantee that unless i was in Southeast Asia eating live vermin, they will not care.
6. Go through massive piles of crap after i’m dead. i’m already labeling boxes so they won’t have to even open them before taking them to Goodwill. Besides, there are a few things i’m pretty sure they DON’T want to find. They’ll already be needing therapy without finding the collection of restraints… and “costumes”.
7. Ask for advice. Ignore advice provided. Repeat ad nauseum.
8. Expect them to make deathbed promises. That’s just cruel. Then again, i could make them promise to do something ridiculous – like wear Kaiser Wilhelm helmets in my honor every day – just to see if they love me…
9. Pull the plug should i end up on life support. Oh, i have no doubt they’d do it – perhaps even a little early (one of them covets my jeep). They just shouldn’t have to make that decision.
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They didn’t ask to be born. We chose to bring them into the world. Their obligation to me is to try to become decent human beings, contributing to society in some manner. And stay the fuck out of my top shelf liquor…
Trailer Park Refugee 