While i’m thinking about it…

Apropos of nothing…

These are a few things i will not ask of  my children as i continue to age…

1.  Expect them to take an active role in my personal care.  They will not have to wash my bits, change my undergarments or remove sticky chunks of partially eaten food from my clothing after a meal.  i will, however, expect them to make fun of me for my failure to do any of the above.

2.  Find value amongst things i treasure.  If i save something because i want to, it will be entirely up to them as to the future disposition of it.  Save it or shove it.  Sell it or burn it.   i don’t care…

3.  Manage my finances.  Not only because they shouldn’t have to worry about it?  But because i don’t trust one of them… and he knows who he is.  Financing his future MTV reality show on “How I Blew My Mom’s Money On Hookers and Weed” is simply not happening.

4.  Clean my house.  Fuck that.  They aren’t that good at it, which is why i hired help after my last promotion.

5.  Call me weekly just so i can report out on every meal i’ve had since our previous conversation.  i can virtually guarantee that unless i was in Southeast Asia eating live vermin, they will not care.

6.  Go through massive piles of crap after i’m dead.  i’m already labeling boxes so they won’t have to even open them before taking them to Goodwill.  Besides, there are a few things i’m pretty sure they DON’T want to find.  They’ll already be needing therapy without finding the collection of restraints… and “costumes”.

7.  Ask for advice.  Ignore advice provided.  Repeat ad nauseum. 

8.  Expect them to make deathbed promises.  That’s just cruel.  Then again, i could make them promise to do something ridiculous – like wear Kaiser Wilhelm helmets in my honor every day –  just to see if they love me…

9.  Pull the plug should i end up on life support.  Oh, i have no doubt they’d do it – perhaps even a little early (one of them covets my jeep).  They just shouldn’t have to make that decision. 


They didn’t ask to be born.  We chose to bring them into the world.  Their obligation to me is to try to become decent human beings, contributing to society in some manner.  And stay the fuck out of my top shelf liquor…

21 thoughts on “While i’m thinking about it…

  1. well then what the hell did you have them for if not to suffer through your old age (which, by the way, is years and years off)?

    actually, one of the most thoughtful things my mom did was find herself a retirement community (the live alone/live assisted/live fully cared for kind). after she had to take care of her mom who’d developed Alzheimer’s, she knew she had to lessen the impact on us. good on you for thinking ahead.

  2. I agree young DaisyFae ….. as one who is probably nearer the grave than you …. oooo, grave is a bit like gravy!!!! ……. what’s for supper? ……. in my day we would never …… a butterfly!!!!!!

  3. I agree with almost all of what you said except of course financing your son’s reality show “How i blew my Mom’s money on hookers and weed”, that idea is a winner and if possible i’d like to help in any way i could, hopefully a walk on where i get to frolic with hookers and weed… though on a serious note i plan on leaving everything i’ve ever written to my sons, well most of it, fiction and some creative-non things, even looking into how i can get it bound all fancy and the like, at least then they’ll know that daddy just didn’t gamble on horses and putter around the house talking to himself and i’d like to talk to them as much as possible, my old man just turned 66 and he is undoubtedly one of the most intellectual and interesting conversations i have every week or so.

  4. okay so i think this is funny: i actually thought i was on ynbs elemental my dear blog for some strange reason. i was thinking “damn i’ve never heard her post sound this way with all the cursing”…but went ahead and left that comment as i saw it was posted by daisyfae. so naturally i thought daisyfae did a guest post for ynbs. it was only after i left the blog did i realize i was on trailer park refugee. geez, too much weed for me!!

  5. gnu – your mother was thoughtful. this sort of thing may skip generations – those who have been involved in ‘parental elder-care’ would likely never inflict it upon their children. my plan is exactly that – find a place where i can ratchet up the care as needed. but i want one with cabana boys…

    savannah – twisted, cynical and filled to the brim with the darkest of black humor? oh, yeah!

    unbearable banishment – they have both asked if a blog post constitutes a binding legal document. bastards. and it’s ‘couple dozen’ witnesses, i think….

    chris – what? huh? do i know you? i had fish sticks and macaroni and cheese for lunch.

    nursemyra – that’ll be a helluva tribute! he could get his own reality show with that one, no doubt…

    DP – nearer the gravy than i am? oh no you didn’t! MINE!

    kono – i suppose my son could take the show on the road. and i have personally encountered a fine transvestite hooker outside the Westin in the ‘burgh, so i’m sure it would be festive! like the idea of the bound book… i’m still sorting through dad’s notes, and wish like hell he had better handwriting!

    lynn – *snort* and i thought i was the one getting addled in my old age! there is nothing wrong with hookers and weed in moderation, of course…

    tNb – my sprogs are so hard to phase at this point. they might just do it anyway, and blame it on me. they have already planned my farewell ‘wake’. it’s going to be quite the party – almost wish i could be there!

    unclekeith – aw, c’mon… don’t wait til i’m a veggie. just do me now so we can both enjoy it!

    renal failure – ‘boxes’? ummm…. ‘closets’. it’s behind a secret panel in the… oh, wait. they read this…

  6. When my father in law was sick and dying, he wanted to live out those last days at home. I’m pretty sure he never meant for me or any of his daughter to have to wipe his arse. I can tell you it wasn’t anything I signed up for….sounds cold, I know, but I am not a care giver.

  7. carla – if i end up in that situation, i’m hoping there’s hospice/personal care nursing available… or i’ll pull the chain myself if i can. hard to say how it’ll work, but the thought of them having to do that for me makes me cringe…

    fragrant liar – oh yeah, the memory is the first thing to go. i think. or maybe it’s the brain. i can’t remember….

  8. I love this post, Daisyfae and how cool that your kids would think this was as funny as I do. I agree with all of it, too, although I don’t have as much distance as you do from the part of my life where I’m involved in THEIR bodily functions waaaaaay more than I’m comfortable with. And, in the case of yesterday’s stomach flu, way way omfg waaaaaaay more. Sometimes I can fantasize about how, in my future elderly and prune-filled state, I could get revenge for days like yesterday, but when it comes down to it, I’d never ask that of them.

  9. sally – thanks. my children are pretty fucked up, so i’m not sure what that says about you, me, them… i hated the ‘puke/shit’ years. still not looking back on that fondly… and having gone through some of that with dad (and now mom), it is NOT something i want them to deal with. i’ll still fuck with them. no doubt about that… just not scatologically…

  10. rassles – make your treasures very large, and difficult to handle. that’ll make sure they continue to feel the joy for many, many years! and it makes them strong…

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