No Parenting Awards: Holiday Edition

Scores and highlights from a very pleasant four-day weekend…

– Vegetative:  At least two full days of just getting “jammied-up” and expending the least amount of energy possible.  Two half-hearted trips to the gym (Thursday and Saturday) for a couple hours of cardio, but other than that?  Fuck it.  i’m eating cookies and fudge.  Really enjoyed the down time, playing pool and darts with my children and friends.  We watched movies until our eyeballs damn near fell out.  Perfect holiday.

–  Going to hell:  If there was a hell, i’d have reserved seating.  As would my children.  The Boy picked up a lovely decorative item for me, which looked like a tombstone when wrapped.  Making a rookie religious holiday error, he pasted the “R.I.P. Jebus” tag on it.  i had to explain he was born on Christmas, and died on Easter… Regardless, it made a fine addition under the tree.

– Retaliation:  Not to be outdone, The Girl crafted a pretty brilliant response in the style of wrapping for The Boy’s gift.  We’d gotten him pool cues.  Naturally, they lend themselves to a suitably blasphemous holiday wrappage.  This was mildly complicated by the fact that i attempted to wrap them on Christmas Eve.  After damn near a half bottle of single malt scotch had disappeared into my gullet.  But wrapped it was….

– Trailer Park Christmas:  Wasn’t horrible.  Best part was visiting with my niece, JS* and her partner RE.  They enjoyed the “pimped out rollator” i’d prepared for Mom.  RE had some fabulous additional suggestions.  Her first question was “Did you get her a matching helmet?”  A “Dukes of Hazzard” horn, undercarriage neon, tubthumpin’ bass speakers and spinner rims… perhaps something i can add next year.  Mom liked it, plus the bag of home made treats i brought her…  Will continue the war-gaming in January, but for now?  A holiday truce…

* JS is technically a “step-niece”.  She is the only daughter of my sister, S’s second husband, G – from his first marriage.  The “skinny transvestite stoner” dude who commited suicide in a deer stand, after first killing his fucking dog.  Yeah.  But despite the obvious challenges of her life, JS is a loving young woman!  Amazingly, the “trailer park” clan is the most stable influence she’s had in her life, and she considers us her family.  She and her partner, RE, rescue cats – and may well have successfully pawned one off on me…

23 thoughts on “No Parenting Awards: Holiday Edition

  1. sounds like a damn fine 4 day weekend, sugar! i had to work at not letting the SIL fuck me over as she usually does, but all that aside, i had fun and i still have my birthday to celebrate! xoxoxox

  2. i call “bullshit”. you absolutely win a “Best Parenting” award. With a lead-by-example mom like you, your kids are going to end up with great memories of the holiday…and likely end up not hating or getting overstressed out by this time of year.

    then again…that lead-by-example? guess what kinds of presents you’re going to get when you’re befuddled and old… [chortle] (p.s. i really enjoyed the tricked out walker!)

  3. You can only go to hell if you believe in hell. Christmas isn’t about some dead guys birthday. A lot of people think it’s about food and family too but they are wrong as well. It’s about presents. The most awesome present determines who is your best friend for that year. Everyone knows that.

  4. You and your kids crack me up! I want to be in a room with you three and Nurse Myra! My mum was out with my nine year old nephew when she saw a Christmas card that said ‘Jesus Rocks’ on the front and ‘Welcome to the world, superstar’ (or thereabouts) on the inside. My nephew said ‘Jesus rocks? And my mum answered ‘Yeah. Jesus rocks and Satan sucks’.

  5. Hellbilly/Mongoliangirl Possie = at your house next year. Sounds like you may not even notice we’re there. That, my cute-footed blogstress, is simultaneously utterly frightening and quite lovely. OK, actually, just utterly frightening.

  6. Glad you had a good time. Did you actually put a horn on the walker for her? It’s very cute either way. Maybe she will get out more now that it is easier.
    Will be stopping by for your Christmas next year. You don’t mind me in pink pj’s do you? I’ll bring the cookies.

  7. oh yes daisyfae, you all are definitely going to hell! perhaps you saved yourself by buying that awesome mobility device for mom though, the dukes of hazard horn was such a classy touch. i love it!! loved the post but are you sure the tombstone gift wasnt for trippin’ rip? what was under the wrapping anyway?

  8. savannah – family. the gift that keeps on giving…. that can’t be regifted! here’s to a great b-day!

    rassles – because you are AWESOME! i thought i was bad for telling the world’s worst easter joke: “Easter is cancelled this year. They found the body”.

    gnu – my sprogs are just starting to realize that not everyone celebrates in our fashion. we’re weird. and fairly hungover still…

    unbearable banishment – that’s just it. it’s a pet for Mr. Pickles. he fell in love with one of the cats my niece had when he stayed with them last year. and the cat adored him. we’re going to do a ‘trial’ run for a week and see how it works…

    fragrant liar – suspect my brood and yours would get along quite nicely! we’re going to try a kitty. stunning orange maine coon-esque critter. fingers crossed…

    upset waitress – Brilliant, as always! i can’t go to the mall because i don’t believe in malls. and hell (for me) is a mall, so i’m safe! sweet! bring on the underage boys! that would be an entertaining present!

    syncopated eyeball – suspect the nursemyra posse and the daisyfae chain gang would be a good ol’ party! like your mum’s approach! but then again, my kid has a magnetic decal on his car that says “This ride has God inside”…. and he wonders why he gets pulled over. a lot.

    DP – it’s the littlest santa, in the manger, with the lead pipe. right? oh, wait. wrong game. you have to bring santa presents. Gold chains, Frankensteins and Furrrr…. or something. Crap. now i’m confused. You have a gift, sir…

    Stephanie – c’mon over! we’ll leave the seat down for ya!

    mongolian girl – bring it! i may not have enough beds for everyone, but typically folks can find a horizontal space, or a large hound dog, upon which to crash! (‘cute footed’? oh, i’m due for a pedicure… likes my toe bling!)

    hisqueen – we have a little “bulb” horn (pink/purple) and a barbie bell. didn’t spring for the ‘dukes’ version… i put a horn on her wheel chair, and she actually used it! pink pj’s? as long as you show up with cookies, you can wear goatskin and confetti!

    lynn – we didn’t get the ‘dukes’ horn, that was suggested after we showed up! the gift was a very cool wall hanging – a chalkboard ‘bar sign’ – that works really nicely on a very odd corner of my kitchen! he nailed it!

  9. uncle keith – santa porn? ugh. even i don’t wanna see that. christmas tunes witht the “bom chicka mow MOW” soundtrack?!?!? i cheddar at the thought….

    lynn – thanks, sweet thing! hope you’re making progress on them projects, and that all’s well in ‘Trippin’ Rip-Ville”.

    silverstar – i have no idea, but suspect that it might be a seasonal addition. it’s just a tough week… trying to break the habit of “nom nom nom-ing” anything that isn’t nailed down is hard…

    nursemyra – not a streak. i was wearing my santa hat, with black fur, and that’s part of the hat showing…can’t see it very well because my hair is so dark. for now. going to lighten up the tresses in a few weeks. starting to look old….

  10. renalfailure – yes. it’s the gray panthers, bitches. muthafuckah got a problem with that?

    writerdood – welcome to The Park… i would like a skull lamp. wouldn’t everyone?

  11. chris – correct. but hey, it’s slug week. i can’t be bothered with grammar. and the ‘kitten trial week’ will commence in january. and no, i’m not fooling myself. i know that if he arrives for a week, unless he’s a demon cat, with an appetite for large brown dogs, he’s staying…

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