Worst Gift Ever?

Men scratch, fart and watch sports.  Women shop, cook and watch romantic comedies.

Right… i am living proof that at least the estrogen-based part of those stereotypes is meaningless.  In fact, i’m more inclined to do the three former activities rather than the latter, despite my ovaries.

Needless to say, Christmas shopping isn’t something i enjoy.  Nor is it something i’m particularly good at… 

On the bright side, i only shop for my two children and my mother.  That makes it fairly easy.  Friends, extended family and assorted colleagues and admin professionals in the office will get some sort of tasty treat – either my feeble attempts at baking, or a box of candy if disaster strikes in the kitchen.  Again.

Shopping for Mom is a nightmare.  i refuse to add to her “collectibles”.  Bells, eggs, plates, owls…. one uglier than the next.  Given that she’s living on a bed in my niece DQ’s living room while her house is excavated and remodeled?  No way in hell i’m buying her more stuff. 

That leaves two categories: “consumables” and “necessities”.  She’s already about 40 pounds seriously overweight, so treats aren’t much of an option.  Besides, they’d be devoured in seconds by the rest of the clan.  Booze?  Same problem… Flowers?  Meh…

This year, without question, i was yet again driven toward the “necessities” category.  Pinging her for ideas over Thanksgiving, i finally figured out something useful and helpful…

She wants to try to get more exercise, but gets tired.  And she loves to get out to shop, but DQ can only take her out in the wheelchair* when someone else came with her to manage DQ III’s stroller.  She mentioned that she’d like to walk around the mall more, but she can’t quite make it to where the seating area is… 

EUREKA!  i’m a fucking genius! 

Given that Ma is a bit of a ‘wide load’, i had to look for one with a big enough seat for her – and this pink ‘breast cancer awareness’ model fit the bill…  But when it arrived yesterday?  i felt like a worm.

Will have to take some paint/decals to it before i give it to her.  i think it needs flames… and streamers…..

Worst Christmas Present. Ever.

* Got her a folding wheelchair for Christmas 2005.  Put a horn, tassles and a leather bag for her smokes on it.  We had races down the street in front of my brothers house that day…

31 thoughts on “Worst Gift Ever?

  1. WhatEVER! That is a totally amazing gift!!! God, I didn’t even know it until right now, but I think I want one! (Seriously, though, I think that would be a totally great gift for her.)

  2. great post daisyfae! funny you should mention flaming it out. we used to take christopher’s w/cs to rip’s friends at the local motorcycle shop for flaming and powder coating all the nuts and bolts ~so all the chrome could be painted black. (i hate that institutional chrome look) another thing we used to do was to use bicycle handlebar tape for the handles, they have a wide variety to choose from today. we used skulls and crossbones but probably not appropriate for mom. 🙂

    i think you got her a great gift but i wonder if insurance wouldve paid for that. that thing looks expensive! see ya next time.

  3. It’s a fantastic gift, especially if you trick it out. The walkers with seats saved my life before I got Ms. Scarlette. I probably should take my walker out for a spin. I think it’s pouting.

  4. I think that it is an awsome gift. Liking the flame idea. How about a thumping sound system to go with it? Maybe a docking station for an Ipod? I think you mom would look cool strolling the shopping malls with her pimped out “ride” and everybody else, player hatin’.

  5. Pimp it out. That is one cool gift and one which will get lots of use.

    I scratch, fart, cook, and watch romantic comedies when there is no sport on the giggle box. But all I ever wanted to be was a – a – a lumberjack!

  6. nursemyra – i hope she does… it’s probably not as bad a gift as the time my ex-husband got me an epi-lady home electrolysis kit for christmas….

    ginny – been looking at it myself… for those really drag-ass days, it might be nice to have on hand…

    renalfailure – i’m working that now. GREAT idea…

    lynn – will look for the bicycle handlebar tape when i make the trek to WalMart for the flame decals (they never let me down when looking to pimp out a ride!). love that you went all out with the wheelchair… and yes, skull and crossbones for mom is perfect… she’s pretty badass… insurance might have paid for it, but it would have taken months to work through details…

    silverstar – it really is a clever thing… i like that it has brakes. i’m hoping it’s not to hard for her to learn to use. don’t like the idea of her roller-skating into the fountain at the local shopping mall, all out of control…

    syncopated eyeball – i have a glaring tendency toward the practical, and my family has teased me about it for years… funny how that works…

    UK – as always, sir, YOU are a GENIUS!

    alex – green is good, but if i gave her cash, she would be unlikely to use it. i’ll give her some gift cards for restaurants as well… guarantees that someone (wanting a free meal) will drive her out to eat… kind of like including the cost of transportation in the gift card cost…

    alljoedirt – love the sound system idea, too! will have a horn on it… like we did on the wheel chair. but instead of honking at people when we’d be pushing her along? she’d poke them with her cane to get them out of the way… really funny… and a little scary…

    DP – you just confused NOW? honey, you’ve been confused a long time… at least from here, that’s how it looks!

    Archie – Work all night and i sing all day! Hell yeah!

    healingmagichands – we had fun with the wheel chair, so it’ll be another round with the rollator. we need to come up with a name for it though, sort of like silverstar names her scooters…

  7. Don’t forget a skull with a shimmery pink bow.
    It’ll add some panache.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, my shopping is DONE.
    It’s time for my girly pursuits …… football, junk food, farting and scratching my arse.

  8. if you go with a horn on it you did to get one of those hillbilly ones that makes the really loud “whawhoogaa” sound. Or the one that plays the tunes.. I think it’s a great gift for someone who probably has everything she needs and then more that she doesn’t. At least she needs this and it will get her out of the house more.
    you could always get a special bar to hook it up to the back of your bike so you could give her a ride around the block. Just take off those special pedals first.

  9. blazngscarlet – GREAT idea! i’ve seen the cute pink/black skulls, and that’s EXACTLY what this needs! [grunt, scratch, spit…]

    hisqueen – i like it! the “ooooOOOOOOOgah” horn if i can find it… maybe even an air horn… now THIS is shopping i can dig… attached to the bike? too cold… maybe behind my jeep?

    jimmy – then you got it. “i’m a looooooooser, i’m a looooOOOOOOOoooooser”… that’s me!

  10. Practical gifts don’t always get the best initial reaction, but they often end up being the most memorable. And appreciated. I want to see it wrapped.

  11. unbearable banishment – and i’m sure it will make a visit or two to Mom’s nearest WallyWorld… America’s Source of Cheap Plastic Crap!

    mstngsal – i generally hate the ‘pink ribbon’ shit. but this one was the wider kind, and the pink legs were pretty cool…

    Bb – i was raised as a child, not a daughter. made a difference, i think… but my ‘non-girl’ tendencies sure seem to confuse a lot of gents who like the traditional more than they realized…

    chris – hadn’t thought about wrapping it… could put it in a big black trash bag, with a pink bow? or maybe just get one of those “oh, honey you bought me a new car for christmas” gigantic ribbons and stick it on the seat?

  12. Pingback: No Parenting Awards: Holiday Edition « Trailer Park Refugee

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