Breaking news from The Park! Just as i’d hoped expected, it didn’t take long before things got back to normal at the ol’ homestead. My niece, DQ, and her husband, BJ, are waging a war on crime – Trailer Park style!
While dealing with the difficulties of getting Mom discharged from the rehab facility last week, my niece was also dealing with a neighborhood crime spree. Two of their lawn mowers, as well as a pressure washer and a ladder, had disappeared from their garage. i was vaguely aware of this – during one phone call she mentioned that she was with the local police, while they were awaiting a search warrant for their neighbors house.
That morning, the neighbor had been caught red-handed by another neighbor stealing two lawnmowers. The police were summoned, and DQ and BJ realized that this could have been the fate of their belongings as well. Once the warrant was served, the police not only found a garage full of stolen goods, but a substantial amount of heroin as well.
The suspect was arrested, charged and then released after his mother posted bond. DQ, attempting to be neighborly, went by and told him and his mother that all they wanted was restitution – either return of the stolen items, or payment. His mother agreed to pay DQ and BJ $600 within a day.
After a few days, DQ and BJ were awakened on a Sunday morning to the sound of a lawnmower. Next door. Seems the suspect was out mowing his lawn, while their grass grew ever higher due to the absence of proper tools. Since no attempt at restitution had been made, it was time for drastic measures.
A 4′ x 8′ sign appeared*. Before putting it up, they contacted the police and zoning departments to avoid running afoul of the law. The amused officials determined this to be free speech, since charges against the suspect were public record. The sign went up.
Ladies and gentlemen, need i remind you that this is, in fact, a virtual Trailer Park? And such a bold challenge amounts to a declaration of war. The suspect retaliated shortly thereafter. Yukking it up in the front yard with his buddies, he soon put up his own “bold challenge”**.
His temporary retaliatory victory was short lived. Within an hour, an additional sign was posted on DQ and BJ’s front lawn. Oh, and this time they alerted the local media.
Media types descended upon the neighborhood like flies. Camera trucks, interviews with neighbors and a hoppin’ mad suspect caught on video storming into his house, yelling obscenities and empty threats of lawsuits. Thus far, it has been covered on two local television news stations, virtually every local radio station and is the talk of the town. Neighbors are dropping by, bringing beer, and it’s become quite festive. All are happy to be part of ridding the neighborhood of a thievin’ heroin addict! And there are many more reports of missing items coming forward as a result. The guy had been running a theft ring, has a criminal record a mile long, and is in general, a gnarly, bad man.***
Although they drive me batshit, it is at times like this when i absolutely adore my family. Never dull, these folks will tackle a challenge. Taking a stand, trying to do what’s right… And it makes me wonder – i believe my genuine delight in this “Smack Down” further highlights the duality of my nature. i am truly, one foot out of a Trailer Park. And sometimes, i really don’t mind…
* Notice the shiny silver thing in front of the sign? That would be a floodlight. Yes, this is highly visible 24 hours a day! BJ does good work.
** Note – this is after he’s been charged with multiple counts of theft. Certainly not going to win friends with the legal community with this stunt.
*** A twist to the story: The suspect is someone who grew up in the neighborhood when i lived there. He was the youngest of 3 juvenile delinquent boys, who lived with their mom a few streets away. My brother was the family ‘handyman’, and had to babysit these little terrors from time to time. One day, my brother brought home a guinea pig with a broken leg for us to take care of – seems the boys had been playing baseball with two guinea pigs given to them as pets. One died, and my brother saved the other from the same fate… There is a part of me that really enjoys seeing this son-of-a-bitch get some justice.
Well, that is an entertaining story with way more drama than the theft ring that was recently busted by our place.
A person couldn’t write a story this good.
God, why couldn’t I do something creative like this when the drug dealer lived next door to me? On the other hand, I did get to be on a first name basis with the local cops. And it only took two years to get him evicted.
Those raised with silver spoons miss out on soooooo much fun. Of course, the story will be less amusing when your niece’s husband is sliced with a broken bottle of Pabst. Oh wait, true rednecks drink exclusively from cans (unless driving, then bottles are more fun to throw). So, he should be fine.
Love it! We will be interested to know just how long he gets when he finally gets sentenced.
Oh fabulous 🙂 Do keep us posted …
WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Dais. I’m weeping with laughter here! Fan-fekkin’-tastic! Tell your family they’ve got a fan in Africa. I love a little revenge!
Never underestimate the stupidity of the criminal mind.
Those are trailers in the photos?
Hahahahaha. Oh my word. Now that was delicious. Justice, she is served.
Awww, you’re making me homesick. I guess I’ll have to order some Skyline, cook up some goetta, and fire up my crack pipe.
Rob – That’s right – you had the ‘chop shop’ next door! Has it returned, or are the “perps” put away?
Annie – i am not sufficiently creative to make this stuff up… for the most part, i’m just a reporter!
silverstar – You can tuck this away for future use! Although before they “kicked up the battle”, they knew he didn’t have any history of violent crime…
ctyri – The “Perp” (i like that word) backed down like a worm when the other neighbor caught him with their property. This (hopefully) precludes the “ok, it’s not that funny any longer” escalation to ass-kicking, dog-killing and house-burning. Oh, and Mr. Perp didn’t get the guns. Occupants of that nice little house are heavily armed (as are all other member of my family).
archie – i think the heroin will be the big one (not sure how much was found). this guy was also stealing “landscape” items – if he saw plants he liked, he’d just go dig them up and re-plant them. A thievin’ drug dealer with a green thumb?
tNb – No shortage of source material from my family, that’s for sure.
dolce – Shhh…. to the best of my knowledge, they don’t know. Yet. My guess is that someone will stumble upon it while surfing for “Redneck Wedding Favors” or something…
az – They’re not “trailers” – hence the “virtual trailer park” qualifier. Nice, 3 bedroom ranch homes in a working-class neighborhood. Probably 20 miles away from a good sized midwestern city. It’s a typical representative slice of the US of A.
MdW – Point, Set, Match – JUSTICE (well, at least until the shootin’ starts).
bob – Don’t forget the fried bologna sandwiches! Brings out the piquant, spicey finish of the crack.
Snork!! That is hilarious! That neighborhood could be the mirror image of the one I grew up in. We had a JD who was a bike thief (so many bikes found in the pond after it dried up) and a puppy killer. He is on death row right now. He killed his mother with a shotgun after she threated to tell the social worker he stole money from her purse. He has killed a councelor (sp?) and another inmate during his 20+ year incarceration. Funny thing, though, he was always nice to my brother and me. My dad would give him baloney sandwiches and cokes every couple of days after he told us he wasn’t allowed to go home until dark because his mom was “busy”.
A neighbor of mine now lives in another state and his home in my neighborhood has been on the market for over a year. They were down last week to take care of a few things and left their garage door up for a couple of hours while running errands. Someone stole 3 of their coolers full of drinks. Not long ago, i had my garage door off the tracks for repair for several days. Nothing was taken or disturbed. The JDs around here must know I have several guns. It may help that my husband looks like an undercover cop. He’s actually a computer guy.
daisyfae this is hilarious. can you bring your family to spain with you 🙂
heartbreaktown – they have moments! this was definitely one of them!
ame i – Welcome to The Park! You’ve arrived at a festive time! i’ve always believed that if someone is cruel to animals, there’s danger for much, much worse. i was about 6 years old when “Snowy The Pig” was rescued, but i’m surprisingly still mad about it! And please tell us – how did you find a computer guy who looks like an undercover cop?!?!
nm – doubt they’ll all fit in the carry on bag (i travel light – except for books).
your niece and her husband are my heroes.
kono – Welcome to The Park! This is the best “positive” park adventure yet… there’s a “yin/yang” thing however. Stick around… darkness lurks…
Fantastic story! I wonder if similar results could be achieved if your neighbour steals your wife!
Bb – Assuming you want her back at that point (?)
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And…what happened next?
BTW, he has a very nice house for a heroin addict. Usually they can’t even pick up their yard.
headbang8 – he’s now been picked up for “driving under restriction” after a short police chase through the neighborhood (had lost his drivers license for drunk driving, but didn’t realize the police were watching for him to bust him further). court date is later this month – he’ll do some jail time… His mother (60’s) pays the rent, and has been buying this guy out of trouble all his life. At least until my niece unleashed her “Neighborhood Watch on Steroids” bit of justice on him…
The yard is quite nice – he was also stealing plants and landscaping from neighbors and local garden stores. But yeah, the house looks nice!
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