Daisyfae – 1, Shelob – 0

My schedule has been a bit on the crispy side since i got home.  Between long days at work, de-stinking gear from the dive trip, and preparing for my next adventure*, i’ve been in constant motion all week.

Leaving work Friday, i executed a complex string of errands that involved stopping at a liquor store, a warehouse club, an electronics store and a discount department store – on my way home.

After a brief decompression stop at home, i began the task of unloading the shit from the trunk of the car.  The heavy stuff.  Dog food, cat litter and four bags of salt for the water softener.

Hauling the first bag downstairs, i opened the door of the utility room, and switched on the light – while balancing a 40 pound bag of salt on my shoulder.

There. She. Was.

Giganticfuckingspider.  Wolf spider. i fucking hate spiders and this one was staring at me, saying “Excuse me, but you’ve interrupted my nap.  Now I will kill you!”

It was on.

Calmly stepping out of the utility room, and setting the bag of salt on the washing machine, i reached into the cupboard to look for some of the pesticides that my daughter had stockpiled when she lived here.  She hated spiders too, and living on the lower level, she ran into them more frequently.  Hence, she was the resident Spider Prevention Specialist.

“Eco-Friendly Pesticide?”  Whatever.  It was the first thing i grabbed.  Squirting the beast squarely in the face, i unloaded several ounces of Eco-Friendly Spider Killer until she stopped moving.  “Whew!”

Starting for the salt again, she raised her front legs in a fighting position – and i hit her again with a few more blasts of liquid spider death!  Curling up, i was sure she was a goner, but when i quit?  She started to retreat.

“Oh no you don’t, bitch!”  and i was back at it again with the squirt bottle.

Clearly, this Eco-Friendly crap wasn’t working.  Back to the cupboard, i found another can of “Green Pesticide – Kills on Contact”.  Damn my vegetarian hippie daughter! i’m looking for advanced tactics in chemical warfare and she’s trying to save the earth.  Well, all of the earth except spiders.

i tried the new stuff on the beast in the utility room, and she once again stopped moving!

This had to be enough to kill her!  This stuff was starting to pool on the floor!

Nope.  Another attempt at retreat.  And did she just raise her front legs a little?

Giving up on the Green approach, i went back looking for something more toxic.  Ah-HA!  Spot remover!  In an aerosol can!  It was a foam spray, and she was buried in it within seconds.  With a final defiant lift of a leg, she finally curled up for the last time.

Victory was mine!  As i continued to unload the remaining bags of salt into the softener, i became more confident that she was really dead, she was really most sincerely dead!

image found here

Yesterday, while out and about town with Mr. X, i was relaying my tale of arachnid warfare to him.

daisyfae:  i started with this Eco-friendly pesticide that my daughter had in the house.

Mr. X:  Couldn’t you have just used a rock?  Hell, or even just hit it with the can.  That’d be pretty eco-friendly…


* This year, i’m a ‘conscientious objector’ to christmas bullshit.  No time.  Not gonna worry about cards, gifts, decorating, baking, shopping or any of that stuff this year… Priorities have been made clear for me this year.

43 thoughts on “Daisyfae – 1, Shelob – 0

  1. I normally just throw a cat in the room and shut the door. Circle of life, right?
    We are going full on Christmas bullshit this year, since we have been traveling for several years in a row. Well, at least we’re going to decorate, bake, and I might send some cards. No travel means very little shopping, which is excellent.

    • couldn’t throw the cat in there, as the wall spaces are open, and i’d have risked losing the cat inside the walls!

      i will be traveling shortly, and have a thousand things to do to prepare for this trip. no point in doing a tree or all that. will do it next year – if i’m home. and i’ve already had a few complaints that there will be no peppermint biscotti… but hey, leaves ’em wanting more.

  2. Throw the cat in there???? Holy Crap…Has Chris ever seen a Wolf Spider? The first time I ever saw one I thought it was poisonous, their not but can leave a very nasty bit.
    I was wondering along the same lines as Mr. X….first I would spray to slow it down than whack it good with something heavy. Must have been a really long day for you to not think of that.

    • the cat does a pretty good job with them when they are out and about in the house. he plays with them. before he smashes them. i’m ok with that…

      i was barefoot, or i’d have considered stepping on it. and it was behind the water softener after it retreated, so i couldn’t easily get back there to smash it. did i mention how big this one was?

  3. I just smash them with a shoe, hammer, piece of wood …. whatever happens to be handy.
    It’s very eco-friendly AND I feel even more like Ripley! (lol)

    I am envious of your ‘conscientious-objector’ XMAS status …….. *sigh*
    But a 6 year old would NOT understand why Mommy is boycotting.

    So ….. where is the next adventure????? Can we have pictures????? Details?????
    (At this point, I am living vicariously through your adventures until after surgery and healing)

    • nothing handy. besides, i was afraid of letting it get away. this was a big one. i wanted to be certain…

      objector status is only for this year. next trip is going to be pretty complicated, and i’m not sure what sort of connectivity i’ll have, but i should be able to post a bit here and there! hoping your surgery goes well and that the healing is quick!

  4. next time, you can borrow my pistol (not a euphemism). i’m sure the neighbors won’t mind the sound of shots fired once they learn it was to kill a teensy-weensy little spider.

  5. We have them here in Texas and most of the time I go for the “catch and release” approach, although spiders are not high on my list of favorite critters. Scorpions? They get a whack with my shoe or any magazine that’s handy. Architectural Digest makes a nice scorpion slayer. Especially the one with Jennifer Aniston on the cover. Sorry, Jen.

    • there are plenty of other things that would have put me on Santa’s ‘bad girl’ list. i have wondered if i can get bonus points for being really good at being naughty, but i don’t think he’s going to buy it…

  6. I’m not overly worried by spiders, but I saw a small dark one on my kitchen floor one time: it started running towards me so I thought I’d step over it and it could run away. Ha!
    The little bugger TURNED AROUND AND RAN AT ME! I don’t liking killing things but that little spider got squished with great force by the bottom of a saucepan. Amen.
    Are you sure a wolf spider isn’t actually a carnivorous mammal? It looks like one to me.
    Well done, soldier.

  7. Sweetheart…didn’t you say you were hefting a FORTY POUND sack of salt? Dear god! Not even a giantfuckingspider could survive a 40 pounder.(And do spiders really bonk giants?)

    • yes. but the spider was sitting behind some water pipes, and throwing the salt would risk both breaking the pipes and letting the spider get away. i could do the former, but not the latter…

    • i live alone. there are no reinforcements! the cat is good with spiders, but the location was bad for a cat – he could have gotten lost in the walls, and as bad as the spider was, having my cat lost in the walls would have been worse…

  8. ” Incey-Wincey Spider, climbing up the spout
    Was seen by an arachnaphobe who vowed to ‘rub him out.’
    Grabbed a can of Mortein, sprayed it everywhere,
    Drenching poor old Incey who retreated to his lair.
    And when the mist of Mortein had drifted from the air….
    Incey’s mutant off-spring
    Were climbing everywhere!”

    • Bravo! Bravo!

      But…. um….. yeah…. i DID check the bathtub and shower curtain carefully this morning. Waiting for big brother spider to come around and seek revenge…. Stay tuned!

  9. Reading things like that makes me glad I live in a cold part of a cold island. We get nothing worse than house spiders here and I’m not too bad with them.

    And hurrah about Christmas – every year I minimise the crap more and more, and just concentrating on what it’s all about – seeing friends, having a drink or seven with them, and being around my children. Er, which is the most important thing of course (oops!)

    • i live in parts cold enough to kill ’em off in the winter, but that’s when they move inside! further south, where the growing season is longer, they get even bigger.

      i’ve enjoyed my share of holiday party so far! go with the good stuff! blow off the bad stuff!

    • oh, geiger, you are quite a clever kitty! yes, in the bath. we hates them in the bath, but at least they are captive there and can’t escape. smashing is what happens there, followed by “burial at sea” via the adjacent toilet… i flush twice to be sure…

    • the body on this one was over an inch long. not counting the large, hairy legs. entire thing? big. reallyfuckingbig big. these are the kind you don’t want to whack with a shoe because there will be dangly bits hanging out on either side. if it had been on flat floor, with nowhere to hide? the salt bag would have been fine. but, i’d have had to leave it there for a month because i wouldn’t have wanted to see the goo… yeah. me too. blechh…

  10. I learned at a young age never to ask my dad for help with spider-killing. His “method,” if you can even call it that, was to whip a towel at them. He’d either miss, and the spider would get away, or he’d send it flinging across the room AND THEN WE WOULDN’T KNOW WHERE IT WAS. As an adult who’s terribly allergic to spider bites and now in charge of my own removal, I’m a big fan of the show-the-cat or drown-them-in-chemicals approaches.

    • for smaller spiders, my ex-husband would smash them with his thumb. that was just gross. i am in constant terror of the ‘failed attempt’ – makes ’em mad, they go off and get their friends, and come back for you in your sleep! that towel method would just annoy them… ugh…

    • when i saw you were back, i almost rushed another post so you wouldn’t see this one up front! but you are correct – you know how i feel, and i know how you feel. and we shall co-exist. just as i do with smart spiders who stay out of my sight!

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