My schedule has been a bit on the crispy side since i got home. Between long days at work, de-stinking gear from the dive trip, and preparing for my next adventure*, i’ve been in constant motion all week.
Leaving work Friday, i executed a complex string of errands that involved stopping at a liquor store, a warehouse club, an electronics store and a discount department store – on my way home.
After a brief decompression stop at home, i began the task of unloading the shit from the trunk of the car. The heavy stuff. Dog food, cat litter and four bags of salt for the water softener.
Hauling the first bag downstairs, i opened the door of the utility room, and switched on the light – while balancing a 40 pound bag of salt on my shoulder.
There. She. Was.
Giganticfuckingspider. Wolf spider. i fucking hate spiders and this one was staring at me, saying “Excuse me, but you’ve interrupted my nap. Now I will kill you!”
It was on.
Calmly stepping out of the utility room, and setting the bag of salt on the washing machine, i reached into the cupboard to look for some of the pesticides that my daughter had stockpiled when she lived here. She hated spiders too, and living on the lower level, she ran into them more frequently. Hence, she was the resident Spider Prevention Specialist.
“Eco-Friendly Pesticide?” Whatever. It was the first thing i grabbed. Squirting the beast squarely in the face, i unloaded several ounces of Eco-Friendly Spider Killer until she stopped moving. “Whew!”
Starting for the salt again, she raised her front legs in a fighting position – and i hit her again with a few more blasts of liquid spider death! Curling up, i was sure she was a goner, but when i quit? She started to retreat.
“Oh no you don’t, bitch!” and i was back at it again with the squirt bottle.
Clearly, this Eco-Friendly crap wasn’t working. Back to the cupboard, i found another can of “Green Pesticide – Kills on Contact”. Damn my vegetarian hippie daughter! i’m looking for advanced tactics in chemical warfare and she’s trying to save the earth. Well, all of the earth except spiders.
i tried the new stuff on the beast in the utility room, and she once again stopped moving!
This had to be enough to kill her! This stuff was starting to pool on the floor!
Nope. Another attempt at retreat. And did she just raise her front legs a little?
Giving up on the Green approach, i went back looking for something more toxic. Ah-HA! Spot remover! In an aerosol can! It was a foam spray, and she was buried in it within seconds. With a final defiant lift of a leg, she finally curled up for the last time.
Victory was mine! As i continued to unload the remaining bags of salt into the softener, i became more confident that she was really dead, she was really most sincerely dead!
image found here
Yesterday, while out and about town with Mr. X, i was relaying my tale of arachnid warfare to him.
daisyfae: i started with this Eco-friendly pesticide that my daughter had in the house.
Mr. X: Couldn’t you have just used a rock? Hell, or even just hit it with the can. That’d be pretty eco-friendly…
* This year, i’m a ‘conscientious objector’ to christmas bullshit. No time. Not gonna worry about cards, gifts, decorating, baking, shopping or any of that stuff this year… Priorities have been made clear for me this year.