The Suit

Wearing a government issued Polyester Suit – complete with flag lapel pin – and using a booming baritone “press conference” voice – the Monday workshop opened with the requisite “Suit” – representing a high level government office. Speaking like Reverend Lovejoy from The Simpson’s, we got to listen to gems such as:

“In their present form-MA….”

“Trying-GA to develop novel approaches that increase synergy-YA…”

“Plans are like airports! Think about airports – you collect passengers in a location, move them to other locations, and launch them on their way to their destination. And all airports-za, do it BADLY! Plans-ZA are like that!”*

“No data-bay-us will be sufficient to answer all questions-ZA…”

“The Special Summaries are like airports-ZA, too – except they’re always fogged in! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…” 

Mercifully, The Suit only spoke for about 15 minutes. Had it gone any longer, i’d have considered taking up smoking again – but only for the opportunity it would provide to put cigarettes out in my eyes, distracting me from the audio-pain.

Are such windbags born or bred? Do they start out as normal humans and adopt the ways of the beast during an assimilation process or are only the windbaggedly inclined drawn to – and ascend to – such positions? Important questions to ponder as i consider retirement and the rest of my life – tending bar…


* no idea what this fucking analogy was about, but since he was of sufficiently high level, it got a polite chuckle from the “brown snorkel” brigade in the audience

20 thoughts on “The Suit

  1. I think they have to take a special course in it. Just like doctors take a course in illegible handwriting and nurses and pharmacists take a course in how to read such handwriting.

  2. I feel your pain.

    Rather than re-take up smoking, might I suggest the Lewis Black “spoon” approach…?

    I think those types are born to it. There is something those souls have to learn and they just aren’t getting it, are they?

  3. uncle keith – Ay-men-AH!

    silverstar – they do send these guys to ‘senior executive’ charm school. my opinion is that they have high power microwaves blasting into the guest rooms to kill brain cells while they sleep.

    rob – would a “spork” work?

  4. Now, you have raised a very interesting point here. In my opinion, which of course, has many years of wisdom behind it and, indeed, hopefully, many years ahead of it statistically speaking. Of course you never know what’s round the corner, up in the sky or even behind you but one must use a ‘mean’ as a starting point otherwise, quite frankly and openly and without a shadow of doubt, I wouldn’t know where to start…… if indeed I have.
    I hope I’ve made that crystal clear.

    What was the question? …………

  5. “…brown snorkel brigade…” *snort*
    I firmly believe that only those of a windbaggish bent are drawn to such positions. Normal people wouldn’t survive.

  6. You best get that bartendress license soon, Daisyfae, for your own sanity (if you’ll forgive the exaggeration).

    Daddy P. has my vote. Most lucid speech i’ve heard in quite awhile.

  7. DP – you said that wearing a nice, enameled Union Jack lapel pin on your boxer shorts, didn’t you?

    kyknoord – i’ve also suspected there are sado-masochists who collect in the bowels of bureaucracies as well…

    nm – there is another option: they are raised on farms by alien societies in order to disrupt our function so the aliens can secretly visit and abuse our prostitutes, exotic dancers and televangelists.

    dolce – it was frightening. like watching theater of the absurd without the benefits of alcohol.

    gnu – seems to me the two of you should join forces. you could be the Deputy Adjacent Under-Secretariat for Business of Daddy P-isms…

  8. They take degree courses in it. While they need a basic aptitude, it needs expert honing over a number of years to reach the skill level your Suit displayed.
    Suits have a way of saying things where you understand each of the
    words individually, but when you put them all together they don’t make
    any goddam sense to anyone, except to other Suits.

  9. uw – oh. you stopped by! thought you’d be busy with that cookbook!

    kyknoord – faking pain… would that be the “suit-o masochists”?

    archie – That particular Suit at least wasn’t evil. Benign, well-intentioned ones are sometimes the best you can hope for… When i worked in the headquarters for my organization for a year, i learned to speak “suit”. Scary – but i am bi-lingual.

  10. Windbag Suits are a mixture of genes and environment. As they progress up the ladder of “success” via genes, the environment of success reprograms their normal “salt of the earth” gene into the SGOTP (Smartest Guy/Gal on the Planet) gene. The SGOTP gene then metastasizes into all the nooks and crannies throughout Mr/Ms Windbag. This is documented in Nature Magazine or is it National Enquirer–I can’t remember. Finally, they self actualize by chairing a Technology Panel, (most likely in some scientific boondoggle Symposia) and then realize that Homer Simpson really has his shiza together. The next thing you know they are either in a Mormon cult in Texas having their children ripped from their bosom or they want to become a bartender (eress). Go figure…….. Be careful Daisyfae of those cult marketing men…….. Tending bar would be a much better fate…….

  11. afguy – Welcome to The Park! So happy you stopped by and shared some of your yoda-esque wisdom! You are wise – the SGOTP metastasis is key! But i have to ask, is there a vaccine? Can massive quantities of alcohol and personal behavior that should have been left behind after college innoculate me from becomimg – Das Windbaggette?

  12. Massive amounts of alcohol and behavior can help prevent the Das Windbaggette, but sometimes add to the Macho masculine Windbag Suit–those gene things again. For the Das Windbaggette the best choices are massive amounts of alcohol, swinging from chandeliers in 6 inch high heels, NASCAR, Bonnaroo Concerts, mountain biking, and camping. For masculine windbaggers, moderate alcohol, swinging from chandeliers with windbaggettes in remisions, NASCAR, mountain biking, river rafting, camping and other “salt of the earth” activities. Those are just my suggestions……

  13. afguy – Hmmm… if i didn’t know better, i’d guess that you have spent a bit of time – perhaps your entire career – surrounded by the ‘bags and ‘baggettes of a large, slow-moving, paper-laden organization… and yet you seem to be totally in touch with your inner redneck, er, i mean “salty earth” needs… fascinating! But i’ve gotta ask – can you hang a chandelier in a Trailer?

  14. Chandeliers can be hung in a Trailer with a few 4x4s and some lag screws and duck tape (if necessary). If you want some ambiance, throw in a some wood stain and polyurethane–no prob. One really nice feature is to have built in power so that you can add that bug zapper colored in neutral tones for those nights when the mosquitoes are a little too much. You don’t want those nasty little bites while you are casually swaying from the chandelier.

  15. afguy – you are officially added to my “Design Team” for my next trailer. The Bug Zapper/Chandelier is beyond brilliant – perfect in that it’s functional and adds mood lighting!

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