During the past two days, i’ve spent hours with a shovel, doing battle with the elements.  i have absolutely no idea why it is so important that i excavate my driveway – which is roughly the size of a basketball court.  Some degree of “fear of entrapment”, combined with my sense of homeowner responsibility.  Perhaps just a touch of “i don’t want to be skating on ice nuggets for the rest of the week when i walk out to get the mail” thrown in for good measure.

Yesterday, i managed to clear about 4″ of the heavy, wet stuff in just about an hour.  This morning, there was an additional foot of snow on the ground, so i bundled up and chipped away at it.  An hour and a half later, i’d made it a third of the way towards the as yet unplowed street.  Having no feeling left in my nose, it was time to regroup.

Midday, i finished round two – another 90 minutes of “woman against nature”.  First, i removed the extra 3″ that had fallen onto the previously cleared section, and then tackled the untouched portion – drifting to 2′ in spots.   i’d made it past mid-court, with about a third of the driveway left to go.   Regrouped yet again as i couldn’t feel my right hand…

i just finished round three – still not quite there, but only a few feet to go.  This time, i’m just worn out.  i’ll need to go out later anyway and remove the “plow turds” from the end of the driveway should the city trucks ever make it back this way… so i’ll just finish up then.

Although there is a general sense of futility when shoveling snow during a blizzard, there is some degree of satisfaction.  I felt strong, looking behind me and seeing progress.  Comfort, knowing that i’m self-sufficient and independent.  Thankfulness, knowing that i’m healthy enough to push a shovel.

…and total fucking annoyance at the sound of snowblowers.  Yuppie bastards.

Tomorrow, after the snow stops, i’ll head across the street to tackle Mrs. E’s driveway.   i hope to hell some of my yuppie bastard neighbors show up with those annoying snowblowers…  or maybe a couple of Boy Scouts?

It could be worse.  This is what Mr. Pickles encountered on the back deck as he attempted to relieve himself this morning.  Can’t imagine having to take a leak in snow up to the ol’ junk…  Brrr…




Post-script:  the city plows came during the night, and i managed to clear my escape route driveway.  as i was finishing up, and preparing myself mentally to tackle Mrs. E’s driveway, her son arrived in his BubbyTruck, complete with the Mother of All Snow-Blowers…  Halle-fucking-lujah!  A hot shower, more coffee and the Sunday paper!

“Give me 12″ and make it hurt…”

“so i screwed her 3 times and bit her in the shoulder…”

[ba dum DUM]


Snow.  Again / Still.   Actual blizzard conditions* out there…

This time, the prognosticators of icy death and destruction started early in the week, working themselves into a frothy frenzy of frozen fanaticism by this morning…

Me?  I’m grabbing a book and heading back to bed. 


“There’s no place like home….”


* The National Weather Service defines a blizzard as sustained 35 mph (56 km/h) winds which leads to blowing snow and causes visibilities of ¼ mile or less, lasting for at least 3 hours.  Check.

getting really (c)old…

Is it spring yet?

More snow and ice.  There was a magical moment this morning at 6:00 am – opening my tired eyes to watch the extensive list of closings on the morning news – and patiently waiting through over 200 listings to learn that we’d been granted a 2 hour delay in reporting to work!

Joy!  It felt like a “snow day” from school!  i re-set the alarm and snuggled back into the pillows for much needed sleep… An additional 4″ of snow fell overnight, coated with 1/4″ of freezing rain during the day.

As lovely as it looks from my front window – a skating rink made of vanilla frosting – i’m getting tired of the cold.  We usually have one ridiculously warm weekend in late February that drives me wild with Spring Fever.  That is the weekend where i am notorious for searching the classified ads for used motorcycles…

With March around the corner, maybe i’ve dodged my annual bike lust-a-thon and will drop right into my early spring ‘i neeeeeeeed a sailboat’ frenzy.  Yeah, it’s just ‘stuff’… but stuff that gets me out breathing and moving.  And after a winter of mostly sitting on my ass, i am hungry to play in the sunshine.  Palm Springs was such a tease…

Snow days are nice, but there’s no substitute for summer vacation!

In an airport…

Overheard while waiting at the gate in O’Hare Airport:

Gate Agent:  Paging passenger E. Guy and passenger D. Chowder to the podium.  Passengers Guy, Chowder, Gate B-22.

Bingo!  Talk about flying the friendly skies…. Gate agents demanding guy chowder?!?!?


Travel Post Script:  My amusement at the gate at O’Hare was short-lived.  Returning home to sub-zero temperatures and 4″ of snow on my car – which covered about 1/8″ of solid ice – made for a happy landing.  First bit of fun was simply prying my car door open.  And remembering that i’d cleverly left my gloves and hat inside the car.  It took a full half hour to excavate the shitmobile.  My hands didn’t quite thaw out until i was almost home….  

Wouldn’t have felt quite so bad if i hadn’t been lounging poolside in sunny california, drinking fruity cocktails under the palm trees just the day before.  (sigh)

the ice storm cometh…

If you believe the news stations, you’d think a frosty Armageddon is nigh… Classic shots of brave reporters, bundled in artic gear, standing next to piles of salt in road maintenance facilities.  Interviews with rugged locals sharing survival tips, steeling themselves against ‘death from the skies’.

Fortunately, i know better. And despite the fact that i haven’t been to the grocery in over a month, and there is nothing in the house to eat except a 3 month old, half-eaten box of frosted wheat cereal, stale granola bars, and some Milk Bone shrapnel even the dog won’t eat, i’m not in a panic.

Unfortunately, the store shelves are under assault!  Not only the grocery stores, but drug stores, hardware stores and even the Quick-e-Marts are being stripped clean by blue-haired old ladies frantic to stockpile goods before the storm hits.

Fortunately, I am clever and lazy.  I called out for enough pizza delivered to my door (which i answered in my bathrobe) – that i can survive for 3-4 days if required.  Oh, and i have beer and a full bar.  Forgot to mention that part… pretty important in the decision-making process.

Unfortunately, the prediction is for 1/4″ of ice, followed by 4″ of snow.  Nothing moves on ice, even the 4WD fucktard-mobiles.  Always fun to see them skidding out of control on ice.  Arrogant, stupid bastards…

Fortunately, given that weather forecasts are ratings-motivated, computer-generated hallucinations filmed in front of a green screen, we’ll likely get about 6 hours of rain and wind… with a temperature around freezing. 

So, stay tuned!  Will daisyfae end up spending a weekend alone with the dog, drinking beer and gnawing on scraps of fossilized pizza? Will the power go out, forcing her to pull out the gas-powered generator she cleverly keeps in the garage?

Um…I just don’t have any gasoline on hand to run it.  And yes, i could theoretically siphon gas from one of the shitmobiles… if they weren’t both on “E”.

(note to self: get shit together. notify media if i do…)


Winter storm update: Breaking news — despite the best efforts of the media to make something happen, through strategic geographic placement of staff, wearing artic gear, the final result was a short period of ice (between 2am and 3am).  This was followed by about 3 hours of rain… A few accidents in the middle of the fucking night, but nothing caught on tape, suitable for replay on endless loop for the entire season. 

Bottom line – an aura of faux relief on the morning news shows, barely masking bitter disappointment… no regional emmy awards for storm coverage likely from this one.  And i will not have to eat pizza for three days.  Ha!