Batty

Spent some time with The Boy this weekend.  He came home to verify that i had, in fact, installed the prodigal pool table light.  And to kick my ass at 8-ball.

As we talked shit, i told him of a recent string of “home invasion” robberies.  Assholes break down the doors of elderly folks while they are home, pillage belongings, and then take the unnecessary and mega-assholic step of knocking the crap out of the elderly folks they are pillaging.

The Boy:  You might want to think about getting a security system here.

daisyfae:  i’ve got one.  The bat under my bed, and the 12″ blade in the nightstand.  Good enough.

The Boy:  I’m just saying, you may be underestimating crackheads.  And you said they’re targeting the elderly.

daisyfae:  i’m not that old!

The Boy:  No, but you live here in “God’s Waiting Room”, where the average age is pretty high…

daisyfae:  i’m just not afraid.  If some asshole comes into my bedroom, there is nothing i’d find more satisfying than crackin’ him upside the head with a bat!  i can even hear the sound it would make!  He’d never expect it – and never see it coming!

The Boy:  But what if you don’t knock him out after one hit?  Can you imagine how pissed off a crackhead is going to be if he gets popped with a bat?

daisyfae:  One hit?  Who said i was going to stop at one?  As soon as the motherfucker goes down, i’d keep wailing on him…  And the NRA could go fuck itself!  i don’t need a gun for home defense!  How would they like when the media starts pimping the news that a 50-year old woman defended herself against a crackhead with a wooden baseball bat?  What would that do to handgun sales?

The Boy:  I’m thinkin’ I should buy you a shotgun for Christmas…

image found here

argh…

– If IT is driving a Lexus, IT shall do something stupid.  And i mean STOOOOOOOPID!  Not once, not twice, but three times — just during a lunch-hour errand run — did i encounter three different boneheads in Lexuses  Lexii.  Guess it is consistent.  If you pay $60,000 for a leather-encrusted Toyota, with fur-lined ashtrays, you ain’t working with a full set of functioning brain cells…

– If the person who owns the corporate resources tells you to do something, and you fail to do it – for several years, mind you – it should really come as no surprise when she reprograms the cash.  You bunch of dumb-fucks.  i told you i would.  You had a deadline.  To sit there, shocked faces staring across the table at me as if i’ve just taken a massive shit on the chest of a naked teenage boy, and pretend as if you didn’t see it coming?  Jeebus H. Obama Keee-RIST on a Triscuit…  Quite proud of myself for not telling them to “Suck my big black dick” on the way out of the room.

– Math.  It isn’t that hard.  Before you warn me – repeatedly – about the dangers of going to Mexico in light of the [ominous music] Swine Flu pandemic, do some fucking homework.  Over 30,000 people in the US die of influenza-related complications every year.  In the grand scheme of things, Swine Flu is mouse nuts.  Risk:  Probability of occurrence combined with impact of occurrence = who gives a shit?  i’m going to Cozumel to swim with the pretty fishies…

– If you panic every time the local news program predicts “dangerous storms”, you really SHOULD stay home.  Permanently.  In fact, you should be forbidden from breeding.  Here’s the dirty little secret, kids:  They want you tuned in… All fucking evening.  Therefore, they tease you with “Tornado in the Tri-State – more after the break”, prepare featured segments on “how to survive a tornado”, and tell you to “be careful, stay away from windows, there’s a potential for big fucking hail out there”.  Just go away, you bunch of stinkin’ babies.  You annoy the fuck out of me…

– It is generally a bad idea to put super glue on the end of your tweezers in an attempt to capture a particularly evasive “lady whisker”.  Yeah.  That’d be me… Shit.

maybe sometimes i'm a carrier, too...

 Fuck it.  i’m going out drinking…. Beer Bingo awaits…

Now look, kids…

i’m not a prude.  Oh, no, not by a long shot…  In fact, i may – just perhaps – be a bit on the far side of the median when it comes to my personal perversions. 

But let’s get something straight.  You sick fucks who search the interwebs on a seemingly endless basis for “girl scouts fucking”, or “naughty girl scouts” or “girl scout uniform fucking”?  A slight bit of advice, kiddies…

Seek professional help.  You have issues.  Deep seated, probably-impossible-to-fix-with-medication issues.  If “the one that got away” was only twelve years old?  It’s pretty much time you got that shit behind you.

When i put up this post?  i was drunk, fucking around and launching an imaginary nose-thumbing to a former Girl Scout leader with a stick up her tight white ass*. 

Perhaps equally disturbing is the increasing number of ‘search terms’ that are landing on this post.  The one about my mutt going to the dog park.  You see, lately there’s been a surge in people searching on the terms “Sniffing your own butt”  and “is it sick to sniff your girfriends butt”. **

Need to get to work on those “active countermeasures” for google search hits… Come here looking for sick shit?  daisyfae and Samuel L shall smite thee, muthafuckah…

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

* Aw, shit.  Now i’ve done it.  All the pervs looking for “tight white ass” are going to end up here.  Well, you deserve it, you assmonkeys, for not knowing how to find quality porn in the internet.  You’re an amateur.  Go home, find some magazines under your grandpa’s mattress, and wank yourself silly into grandmas big white cotton bloomers…

** i’m not a professional… but i gotta say, ‘it depends’.  primarily on your timing…