When Groundhogs Attack

Much to the amusement of my friend, T (aka “The Goose Slayer“), a sister organization is also under attack.  Not by geese, or the feather-headed imbeciles who love them, but by groundhogs, and the fur-brained boneheads who can’t spell “nuisance”.  i despise deliberate cruelty, and even benign neglect, of animals*, but there are issues when the human need to colonize the planet conflicts with the animal need to… well, gnaw, shit and procreate all over the place.

From the Operations Director of the other organization:

We’ve had a groundhog problem in the courtyard.  Now we have someone releasing them and sabotaging the traps.  PLEASE do not release the captured groundhogs or mess with the traps.  The captured groundhogs are relocated — they are not destroyed

From a distance the groundhogs, especially the baby ones, look cute and friendly but they are aggressive animals—keep away from them.  They have destroyed building foundations, and they have chewed through wires and hoses of vehicles in the parking lots.

Groundhogs are considered nuisance animals and state law prohibits the release of a captured nuisance animal.  Don’t release them!

Well.  Isn’t that special?  Apparently, the rodent-fetishists didn’t get the message.  This came out the next day:

SUBJ:  Gopher Cam will Get You

Someone has sabotaged the gopher traps again!  As a result, we now have a camera that is viewing the area and the culprit will be caught if it happens again.  I will ask management to take the maximum disciplinary action possible.  Wiring has been damaged on several cars, resulting in $1000 repairs.  By sabotaging the traps or releasing the animals, someone is putting everyone at risk.  The animals caught are relocated and not destroyed.  Release by unauthorized personnel violates the law.

Bottom line:  Don’t screw with engineers.  We have the technology.  We will get your sorry, mushy-brained, PETA-supporting ass. 


* Why do the animal rights folks seem to care more about “cute” animals?  Have you ever heard of “Possum Rescue” or “Naked Molerat Preservation Society” or “Earthworms Unlimited”?