Tiger Woods’ Penis and You

i have absolutely no interest in where Mr. Woods has placed his dick.  Nor Mr. Letterman before him. 

Sex addiction?  What fucking planet are you people on? 

We are a nation at war.  Students are rioting in the streets of Tehran.  Bodies pile up in Baghdad, and we are ripping another 30,000 young souls from their families for target practice in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Oh, and can we take a moment to consider that there’s some pesky international meeting about the future of climate on the planet?

Domestically?  10% of the available workforce still seeks employment, and faces an uncertain future.   Gall bladder surgery can drive a family into bankruptcy because we have no health care safety net.

And yet all i can find on the news this morning are reports on the whereabouts of Tiger Woods’ penis.

Idiocracy.  It’s not just a movie.  We’re livin’ the dream, bitches….

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NOTE:  To all of you nimrods who landed here because you were searching the terms “Tiger Woods penis”?  Seriously.  What the fuck were you thinking?  Don’t you have something more important to do?  Jeeeeeebush H. Roosevelt McGee Christ…. It’s the end of the world.    Oh, but the dude googling “shark pimp”?  That’s funny….

argh…

– If IT is driving a Lexus, IT shall do something stupid.  And i mean STOOOOOOOPID!  Not once, not twice, but three times — just during a lunch-hour errand run — did i encounter three different boneheads in Lexuses  Lexii.  Guess it is consistent.  If you pay $60,000 for a leather-encrusted Toyota, with fur-lined ashtrays, you ain’t working with a full set of functioning brain cells…

– If the person who owns the corporate resources tells you to do something, and you fail to do it – for several years, mind you – it should really come as no surprise when she reprograms the cash.  You bunch of dumb-fucks.  i told you i would.  You had a deadline.  To sit there, shocked faces staring across the table at me as if i’ve just taken a massive shit on the chest of a naked teenage boy, and pretend as if you didn’t see it coming?  Jeebus H. Obama Keee-RIST on a Triscuit…  Quite proud of myself for not telling them to “Suck my big black dick” on the way out of the room.

– Math.  It isn’t that hard.  Before you warn me – repeatedly – about the dangers of going to Mexico in light of the [ominous music] Swine Flu pandemic, do some fucking homework.  Over 30,000 people in the US die of influenza-related complications every year.  In the grand scheme of things, Swine Flu is mouse nuts.  Risk:  Probability of occurrence combined with impact of occurrence = who gives a shit?  i’m going to Cozumel to swim with the pretty fishies…

– If you panic every time the local news program predicts “dangerous storms”, you really SHOULD stay home.  Permanently.  In fact, you should be forbidden from breeding.  Here’s the dirty little secret, kids:  They want you tuned in… All fucking evening.  Therefore, they tease you with “Tornado in the Tri-State – more after the break”, prepare featured segments on “how to survive a tornado”, and tell you to “be careful, stay away from windows, there’s a potential for big fucking hail out there”.  Just go away, you bunch of stinkin’ babies.  You annoy the fuck out of me…

– It is generally a bad idea to put super glue on the end of your tweezers in an attempt to capture a particularly evasive “lady whisker”.  Yeah.  That’d be me… Shit.

yeah... maybe sometimes i'm a carrier, too...

maybe sometimes i'm a carrier, too...

 Fuck it.  i’m going out drinking…. Beer Bingo awaits…