Unvarnished and Frightening Truth

As i made my way to the office sign out board this afternoon to signify my departure for yet another roadtrip, i shuffled like an old woman.  i even groaned when i picked up the tiny marker, mounted above the board. 

My division chief enquired as to my damages…

daisyfae:  The gym kicked my ass again today.  Pulled something in my upper back and shoulders, so i switched to a lower body bashing.  i just hurt…

DivChief:  You can’t just do anything like a normal person, can you?  It’s all or nothing…

daisyfae:  It’s just that i want to be able to add “Chin Ups” to the list of tricks i can do to win bar bets.  i can already do at least 40 push-ups on my toes.  Nobody ever expects a lumpy middle-aged chick to be able to do that…

DivChief:  Jesus, woman!  You already scare 99% of us!  You’re going for the other 1%?  Do you understand the concept of diminishing returns?

There was a brief silence as the DivChief and my Admin Assistant (also a man) exchanged that universally understood male facial expression that says “Oh, fuck.  I’ve just gone up shit creek without even a turd for a paddle…”

daisyfae: [busts out laughing]

DivChief:  [breathing sigh of relief] You know, I meant that in the most respectful way possible…

daisyfae: [lumbering slowly on stiff legs towards door, still laughing] Of course you did…

How evolved are you?

Aggravating.  Very, very aggravating…

1. While sitting, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change directions.

3. Shake your head, decide that you’ll do better if you’re really concentrating, and attempt it again.

4. Swear.  Curse your dinosaur brain and the fact that we are much less evolved than we believe ourselves to be…

hsimpsonbrain.jpg

 

While we’re on the topic of evolution…

If you really want to have fun with a newborn infant — short of annoying the parents by playing a game of “catch the baby” — try this:  Take your finger and place it gently at the base of the little newborn toes.  Watch as the reflex to grip your fingers kicks in.  Isn’t this beautiful?  It’s that “hanging in a tree” response – salvation for our tree-dwelling  ancestors… 

Typically, this response remains for a couple months post-uterus… This reflex, and the Moro Reflex, hint at our primate ancestry – if you consider the behavior of a baby monkey flailing and grasping to hang onto parental backhair, it seems pretty strong evidence supporting that pesky “theory” of evolution.

If you prefer to ignore science, you can always consider a visit to the Creation Museum – a mere stones throw from The Park.  Here you can learn about dinosaurs dwelling in the Garden of Eden just a few thousand years ago.  Seriously.  The universe was created in 6 days, and these folks can prove it…

(it’s no wonder he was “elected” twice…)