Snake Tales

Although the rubber spider infestation in my home has become more manageable, my daughter’s boyfriend, ZZ, still likes to exploit my sheer hatred of spiders.  The last one?  He threw a piece of pocket lint at me after he’d mashed a big spider in the bathroom, making me think he was tossing the corpse on me.

Not pleasant.  And although it happened a couple months ago, not forgotten.

My biking buddy, Studly McRocklegs, was aware of the on-going arachnid warfare.  He also knew of my plan to exploit ZZ’s weakness – a fear of snakes.  When Studly came across a freshly crunched garter snake* on a Sunday bike ride, he dumped his water bottle and collected the foot-long specimen for me…

Studly delivered the dead snake, and i arranged it neatly near the drain in the downstairs bathtub, keeping the shower curtain open enough that ZZ would notice it whenever he went in to use the toilet.  Giggling with anticipation and childish glee, Studly and i waited upstairs – hoping to hear the scream, the yelp, the hollering… Awaiting ZZ stomping up the steps indignantly saying “Yeah, yeah… You got me!”

After about an hour, ZZ and The Boy headed out to move some furniture for ZZ’s brother.  i snuck downstairs to check on the snake – and was surprised to find the bathtub empty!  “Whaaaat?”

The Girl [surly, annoyed monotone]:  Yeah.  He found it.  Very funny, Mom.  He thought it was fake, picked it up and threw it at me.  Hit me in the legs.  I yelled at him for it.  Jesus.  That really wasn’t funny…

daisyfae:  Where is it?  Where did you put it?

The Girl:  You’ll find it eventually… I’m not at liberty to tell you.

daisyfae:  SHIT!  i gotta make sure that it won’t start to smell.  That the cat doesn’t get it and eat it… or drag it to your bed as a present.

The Girl:  It’s not somewhere the cat can get it…

With a bit more badgering, she was able to give me enough clues to track it down – the stunt snake was nicely arranged on the floorboard of my car.  Needless to say, i left it…

The following Monday afternoon, ZZ caught me as i came home from work…

ZZ:  I wanted to apologize to you for this morning.

daisyfae:  What?  What happened this morning?

ZZ:  Your car?  The snake?

daisyfae:  What the fuck are you talking about?  The Camry?  Huh?

We both went to the garage, where i pulled open the car door, revealing the empty floorboard.

ZZ:  It was right there! [looking under seat] It was dead!

daisyfae:  Yep. It was right there this morning.  And Mr. Snake is prepared for another round.

ZZ:  I checked my car this morning!  I thought you’d put it in my car…

daisyfae:  That would have been pretty obvious… Oh, he’ll turn up again.  With the cooler weather outside, he’ll keep a long time.

ZZ:  You threw him in the dumpster, didn’t you?

daisyfae:  Yes.  That’s what i did…  That’s exactly what i did….

And the games continue…

* Garter snakes are cute little things.  They don’t bite, you know… They ‘snap’…

Dogs – just because….

This is what it was supposed to look like:

 

source

In practice, however, it wasn’t quite that easy…

Hardware Follies

Running errands all morning, one of my stops was at the mega-hardware store for some plants and a tube of caulk to repair my bathtub.  Wandering into the paint section, i was approached by a sexy, tattooed salesman*, asking if i needed help…

daisyfae:  Of course, i need help.  i need to replace the caulk around my bathtub.  i did it a year ago, but apparently used the wrong shit because it’s cracked already.

PaintMan [walking me down the caulk aisle]:  Well, here are the waterproof caulks.  There’s some of the expensive stuff that sets in 2 hours if you need that…

daisyfae:  Nah, just the regular shit i guess.

PaintMan:  Had an Asian couple in here a few weeks back looking for caulk.  Guess it was the accent, but she said  “I’m looking for cock”…  It was hard to keep a straight face, but I said “How much do you need, Ma’am”.

daisyfae [laughing, and looking back at wall of caulk]:  That’s a riot!  Ok, so what kind should i get?  i don’t need the quick set stuff…

i started to reach for a tube of the regular looking caulk, but noticed that there were different colors, and i’d grabbed one that wasn’t white.

daisyfae:  Wait, i don’t want the black cock…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*  It was the same guy from almost two years ago who sold me the pink e-fucking-namel primer for my deck.  And he’s still got the tattoos and is still just as charming…

nuggets of winter wisdom…

ALWAYS keep plenty of dog chow on hand when you have a large hound in residence.  Winter weather can make a late night trip to the store an annoyance.

ALWAYS keep a clear path through your garage, to avoid stumbles and falls while wearing clunky winter boots.  Large bags of dog chow should be stored in a convenient location, out of the main walk way.

NEVER place a bag of dog chow in an area of your garage that is susceptible to wetness, from snow melt dripping off of your vehicles.  Dog chow should remain in a dry bag to remain fresh and tasty for your large hound.

ALWAYS check the bottom of a large bag of dog chow for integrity before hoisting it up on your shoulder to re-fill the dog food tub.  An ounce of prevention… is worth 50 fucking pounds of “Oh, SHIT!” as you lift it and the bottom falls out and a bazzilion nuggets of compressed head-cheese scrapings from dead farm animals scatters across the floor of your garage, while your hungry dog wags his tail in annoying anticipation…

On the bright side?  There is no “5 second rule” for dog food.  He’ll eat it.  This is an animal that licks his own asshole on a routine basis.  A little dirt and garage-lint will simply add fiber…

Airline Etiquette

Read the fine print on your next airline ticket.  There’s a lot of it.  These are the written rules of modern airline travel… short version:  the airlines aren’t responsible if shit goes wrong – suck it up.

As if these weren’t enough?  There are the verbal instructions we get from gate agents and flight attendants!  “Board only when your zone is called”.  “Don’t you listen?  I said sit down and shut the fuck up – we’re not boarding yet!” and “Please put your seat back in it’s upright, locked and most uncomfortable position….”.

There are also unwritten rules.  Polite travelers – hell, polite humans – just know these things.  One that i abide by – not only in the interest of karma – is that the person in a middle seat has rights to BOTH middle armrests.  They’ve already drawn the short straw by being in a middle seat, so the least that can be done if for the window and aisle passengers to cede this often disputed territory to the monkey in the middle.

Outbound yesterday, en route to my latest adventure in drunkeness and debaucheryanother gruelling business trip, i had a window seat.   Row 42 of a Boeing 757* SardineLiner.  On a completely full flight, i was certain that there would be no vacant middle seat – and my seat mate arrived just prior to the door closing. 

She was a youngish thing – pony-tailed and carrying a lot of crap.  Took her awhile to stow her gear, but she tucked into her seat, and i curled up against the window.  i was soundly asleep before we even took off…

Until the gymnastics started.  As i stated above, i’m quite willing to concede the armrest territory.  i am NOT, however, willing to extend that turf 4″ into my personal space.  i was awakened by her elbows about 10 minutes into the flight.  Popping on my headphones, i re-settled myself and hoped she was settled in as well.

Nope.  The next thing to come my way was her pillow.  The goofy kid was trying to sleep in a middle seat, and had her left leg up and over the other armrest, a foot pushed against the back of the seat in front of her, and her head within inches of mine.  If this were a long haul flight, i’d be a bit more sympathetic – but it was a fucking HOUR!  You can’t sit upright and stay awake for an HOUR? 

More aggravating?  She kept sighing and re-adjusting herself – such an invonvenience to be stuck in a middle seat.  Poor dear.  Sucks to be her.  Especially when i took back my armrest. 

Trying to sleep sideways in the narrow seat of a 757?   Not a good idea unless you can put your feet behind your head, honey…

You ought to see what i can do on a regional jet, baby!

*One of my least favorite planes – crowded, uncomfortable seats.  Although these days, a plane that gets successfully from point a to point b is winning my crusty travel heart…