Death-Wish, Doggie Style

Is it possible for a dog to have suicidal tendencies?  Perhaps.  There’s a case from The Trailer Park where a miserable Pekingese hung himself on my sisters basement stairs, but that’s a story for another day… This one falls, unfortunately, in the category of “current events”.

Mr. Pickles has once again survived an attempt at “Death by Chocolate”.  Last christmas, after The Girl stayed up all night baking a double batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Biscotti, we were faced with a morning mystery.  While at work, i received a call from The Irate Girl, asking if i’d put away some of the biscotti she’d left on the counter.  Negatory… But somehow about half of it was gone.  The half that was on the edge of the kitchen counter…

Seeing a large brown animal, sporting a suspicious belly lump, skulking under the kitchen table, she deduced that Mr. P had helped himself to some chocolatey goodness when no one was looking… Fortunately, he is a large pup, and the chocolate was dilute enough, that he only had a serious bout of ‘doggie drizzlies’, with no need for veterinarial follow up… 

Chocolate can be deadly for dogs.  A few years ago, we had to hospitalize our smaller, yet more ferocious dog, Turbo, when she ferreted out the 2lb box of dark chocolate truffles, beautifully wrapped and under the tree*.  Not only was she tweaking like a cokehead, she’d either heaved or shat approximately 2lbs of chocolate-colored lugubrious secretions all over my kilim rug.  Which went directly to the dumpster…

After my holiday baking frenzy on Sunday, i’d carefully placed all potential hazards out of reach.  Most on the kitchen bar, but one tray of Chocolate-Peppermint Brownie Thingies** on the counter next to the sink.  Counter tops in this kitchen are a bit higher than the old one, so i didn’t think they were at risk…

Returning home around midnight from a holiday pub run, i found Mr. P slinking around the kitchen… looking guilty.

Guilty Brown Dog

Exhibit A: Guilty Brown Dog

And shortly thereafter, spied the half-empty tray of choco-peppermint death nuggets…

Mint Chocolate Drizzlies... which perhaps should be renamed...

Exhibit B: Mint Chocolate Drizzlies... which perhaps should be renamed...

Despite being five pints gone, i was able to do the math and make the connection… He wasn’t tweaking, so i reloaded his water bowl and hoped that the dilute levels of chocolate in his large brown body wouldn’t be toxic.  i then proceeded to yell at him, as he cowered in the corner.  The really cool thing about dogs?  You don’t need to hit them.  It’s overkill.  With just my voice, i got the little junkie to sit in the corner like the only subservient wormboy at a sadists convention.  Where he stayed even after i left the room.

i left him to stew as i got ready for bed, eventually “made up” with him, and he hopped up and snored on the adjacent pillow as if nothing was wrong.  Which it wasn’t.  Until i got up this morning.  And smelled it… wafting up from downstairs…

In the theater room.  In a perfect nautilus arc, which is his signature.  A choco-poo slime trail on the carpet, just inside the door.  Not, mind you, on the indestructible vinyl plank flooring*** i’d just had installed in the billiards room.  A mere two feet away… yes, he had to walk farther to get to the carpet. 

The mutt defies death yet again – barely.  Big critter can handle his chocolate.  The Girl didn’t kill him last year, and i didn’t take him down this year. Yet.

——————-

* Will never forget the call from a twisted, sarcastic veterinarian, who had just pumped Turbo full of emetic (Ipecac) to make her cac.  His words: “Just wanted you to know, we found the cherry…”.  Ewwww….

** They sound better than they taste…

*** i chose this stuff for it’s indestructibility.  Guaranteed to be waterproof, i’ve already tested it, and certified it “beer-proof”.  The Boy has also provided a testimonial that it’s impervious to blood, and perhaps a few other body fluids…

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