Flu Survival Tips

Perhaps it’s because i had my children in daycare that i have developed the immune system of a cockroach.  i don’t get sick.  The last time i called off work for an actual* sick day was in 2007 when i had mono.

i left work Thursday afternoon with chills… and NOT because i was so enthralled with the work i’d accomplished.  Fever.  102 F when i got home.  Yay.  The Flu.

Maybe because it’s so infrequent, but when i do get sick?  i’m a big damn baby difficult patient.  i wish to be alone in my misery.  Friends have offered to bring me this or that, but i prefer to wallow in the solitary confinement of my sweat-drenched sheets.  Besides, moaning is so undignified…

The animals have been great company.  i’ve learned more about the differences between cats and dogs along the way.  While curled up on the floor of the bathroom on the fluffy bath mat, the cat came by to investigate.  He immediately discerned that i was in no condition to either (a) scratch him or (b) feed him.  So he knocked the bathroom scale into the bathtub and proceeded to make noise there, hoping i’d come around and make with the scratches and cat chow.

The dog, on the other hand, knows that when i’m down on the floor i want to play with him.  Bringing me all manner of gnarled bones, and gooey chew ropes, he felt compelled to pelt me with toys.  The sweet, slobbery bastard…

The fever may have finally broken.  Or not.  But i’m vertical after two days of mostly horizontal.  While these tips are fresh in my fever-addled brain, thought i’d do a gentle public service and share them.

DO:  Drink plenty of fluids.  Staying hydrated is essential to manage a fever.

DON’T: Drink leftover eggnog.  While it is technically a liquid?  It will curdle the moment it hits your roasting belly.  You will immediately regret it.

DO: Eat a little something when the fever drops.  Saltine crackers, light non-acidic fruit, or applesauce.

DON’T:  Bash a couple of Skyline** cheese coneys on the way back from a doctor’s appointment.  Oh, you will regret this later.  Very. Much.

DO:  Moan.  Loudly and as needed.  If you are feeling miserable, and the simple act of turning from your right side to your back is posing a grand challenge?  Let loose with a hefty groan.  Martial artists know the power of releasing visceral noise.  It isn’t just for Ninjas…

DON’T: Get irritated when your dog moans along.  He was born to sing.  He prefers a chorus part.  Don’t be a killjoy.

DO: Get fresh air.  Taking the dog on two short necessity walks each day is an opportunity to ‘blow the stink off’ and get crisp, clean, winter air into your lungs.

DON’T: Forget to put on something other than shorts.  While you’re rockin’ the snow boots and down jacket, exposed flesh in sub-freezing weather is generally a bad plan.

i miss nursemyra

delicious image found here

* As opposed to ‘anal glaucoma’ days – where i just can’t see my ass at work.  These happen on a fairly regular basis.

**  Skyline Chili is a regional delicacy.  Not so much chili as it is a Greek meat sauce, if you were raised on this yummy delight, it becomes the mother of all comfort food.  It also is quite disgusting on the return trip…

Stuck in the middle

Two day roadtrip.  Met up with an old friend, who is currently in a job that could be my dream job… which i plan to pursue in a few years.  He shared with me some of the joys and frustrations of his new position.  Summed up with the following words of wisdom:

When you work for clowns?  Sometimes you’re gonna get a little seltzer in your pants.

Bring on the seltzer… i’m bored…

Pasteurized….

i don’t get sick.  Seriously, i have – for reasons unknown to me – developed the immune system of a cockroach during the course of my life.  In the past ten years, i can COUNT the number of times i’ve been sick.  A bout with strep 10 years ago, a few rounds of the pesky 24-hour stomach virus (one delightfully timed to coincide with Girl Scout Cookie deliveries).  Mononucleosis, contracted in the Cambodian jungle trip in 2006 (initially mistaken for Malaria).

Head colds?  Rare.  Maybe twice.  That was until this season.  i have had the same fucking cold – passed to others for mutation prior to return to my nasal cavities – THREE times.  It’s a minor annoyance, and costs me about $10 in Kleenex each time.  But i’m sick of it.  Since November, my head has been weighed down with extraneous lugubrious secretions and i can’t stand it…

Friday night, returning from a happy hour drunk fest work, both of my children were home.  i made the mistake of whining about being sick, as i curled up under a blanket in the living room.

The Boy:  Wow.  She’s really starting to fall apart…

The Girl:  Really.  Do you think it’s time we had her put down?

The Boy:  Yeah… starting to get pathetic, isn’t she?

daisyfae:  Hey!  It’s a fucking cold!  But you know i don’t get sick… how many times have you seen me sick?

The Girl:  Should we take her for a ride in the country?

The Boy:  C’mon, Mom!  It’ll be nice!  We’ll take you out to a field, where you can frolic around with a lot of other middle-aged women…