Knee-dful things…

Another excursion into the medical slaughterhouse today for ol’ daisyfae…  i love narcotics.  for pain. seriously –  just. for. pain.

i had very minor knee surgery this afternoon.  roto-rooter of cartilege shredded while attempting to shred a snow an ice covered mountain molehill on skis earlier this winter…  a few days of mandatory R&R, which includes a stack of books, magazines, catching up on season 4 of “Weeds”, and unlimited time to surf the internet.  while jacked to the stratosphere on the “V”.  stand by for even MORE annoying commentary in the blogosphere…

seeing as i’m once again* sailing on pain meds, here are a few ‘scores and highlights’ from my day…

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Knee surgery requires me to be flat on my back for 3 days, “toes above nose” to prevent swelling.  My kids are in town, and are at the helm regarding my care and feeding**.  As we went through the minimal requirements they need to cover through the weekend, this exchange occurred:

daisyfae:  yeah, i can see you tormenting me as i’m pinned to the bed…”‘want a cookie?  huh?  huh?” while holding it out of reach…

The Boy:  More like “want a pain killer?  huh?  huh?  ooops!  that one was for me…. here’s another one? do you want it?  huh?”

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Had a friend drive me to the surgery – he’s “paying it forward” so i can drive him to his next colonoscopy.  This is what single people do.  Barter spousal-esque favors with other pathetic and unwanted single friends… 

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Before leaving, i wrote the kids phone numbers on a post-it note for my friend, and left his phone number on the table.  The kids were in the kitchen, farting around with food. From the living room,  i loudly said “i’m leaving his phone number for you on the table, if you want to check in, or have questions about anything…”. 

They collectively said “what?  huh?” from the kitchen.  Poking my head around the corner, packed up and ready to leave, they assaulted me “How to you get this microwave to cook something on half power?”.  Thoughtful little fuckers, ain’t they?  This then turned into “So, what time are you getting home?  Can you stop for some burritos at “Casa AssFire” on the way back?”  They were kidding.  i think…

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Surgery was scheduled for 2:oo pm, so i worked showed up at the office this morning.  Since i was not allowed to eat solids after midnight, and only had a nutrition drink/diet coke for breakfast at 7:00 am, i was hungry.  And not caffeinated.  As the fates would have it, it was an unofficial “aromatic junk food day” at work.  The candy jars on the admin desks had been freshly stocked with the good stuff – not the leftover, gummified, formerly-hard christmas candy.  Tasty sugar-encrusted bagels – with yummy raspberry cream cheese – abandoned on a table in the hallway where the vultures gather. 

And the worst?  While hanging out with the computer geeks support folks to get my office laptop repaired so i can stay wired while horizontal, they took delivery of a metric ton of hot wings, bleu cheese dressing and other things that made me salivate.  i exacted revenge by leaving dribble spots on the ancient carpet squares…  Bastards.

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Since i wouldn’t be driving myself home, i had to write down the name of the “responsible person” with me.  After writing his name on the form, there was a question of “relationship to patient”.  i gleefully used the opportunity to write “statistically significant other“.  After i was prepped for surgery – which included ANOTHER pregnancy check, looking for little Houdini – the nurse went to retrieve my friend so he could keep me company backstage in pre-op.   He was giggling pretty hard, because the nurse had gone to the waiting room and asked for “daisyfae’s statistically significant other…”

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Not as much fun with the anaesthesiologist today.  He sure was purty, though.  Went through the drill… checked my teeth… all that crap.  When he asked “Do you have any questions?” i replied with my stock “What’s the capitol of North Dakota?”.  Without missing a beat, he said “Bismark”.  Woo hoo!  The man knows his state capitols.  Gave me confidence that he wouldn’t accidently gas me to Neptune while watching the NCAA basketball games on the monitors…

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The Girl is handling kitchen duty tonight.  Made her bring me a cinnamon bagel before she went on the magazine run.  After that?  Turkey and Swiss on Wheat, with a beer.  Beer and Vicodan.  It’s whutz fer supper…

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Goofin’ in the pre-op room with my friend.  He took a couple pictures of me, wired up to the IV pole, eyes crossed, and tongue lolling sideways towards my ear.  He sent these via text message to the kids, and a few friends.  The replies? 

The Boy:  That’s good.  (later found out that they had no idea who had sent the pic… thought it could have been from the hospital)

The Girl:  Thanks!  That picture is totally going on the fridge.

RJAK:  She looks awesome!  Just sent that out on the global distribution e-mail list at work…

 bring-me-drugs

* worth revisiting the post on my last surgery – only for the comments!  y’all are a funny bunch of people…

** i can get up for potty breaks.  which is a good thing.  they’ve made it clear that they would have nothing to do with THAT task… i’ll need to be at least 30-40 years older, and have a much higher net worth – making myself much more valuable dead – for that to happen…

Heroin: Now Extra Scary

From the front page of the local Sunday newspaper, an article on the re-emergence of heroin on the drug scene.  Heroin is definitely bad news… and the article profiles several families dealing with the loss of a college age child due to heroin overdose.

Here’s the part that had my hair standing on end – a quote from an investigator/bureaucrat dealing with drug use in our state: “It’s a frightening trend.  It’s frightening because it’s impacting young people with promising futures.”

Right.  It was ok so long as it was just taking out the known druggies, the losers, the homeless, the street people – but HOLY FUCKING SHIT people, it’s NOW KILLING WHITE KIDS IN SUBURBS!  We’ve got a serious crisis on our hands… [end rant]

Bring us more drugs, Jeeves...

Bring us more drugs, Jeeves...