Eyewitness Report: Redneck Wedding

In 2006, our Trailer Park family got to experience one of those magical adventures known as ‘The Wedding’.  DQ and BJ tied the knot in a hoedown to end all  marital hoedowns.  Striking just the right balance between “glamour” and “comfort”, they pulled together a wedding in their own style – and worked hard to keep costs down, doing much of the legwork on their own. 

The bridesmaids gowns were made from about a thousand yards* of brown satin.  They wore matching sequined flip flop sandals.  Brown.  “Why Brown?” you ask?  Well, that was the only color that could be coordinated with the “Mossy Oak” tuxedo vests. 

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Since i was meeting The Girl halfway around the world, i was unable to attend.  But, thanks to the wonders of technology, my sister, T, was able to give me an electronic summary while i lounged poolside at a 4-star hotel in Bangkok.  Here, gently modified to protect me from the innocent, is her “Scores and Highlights” from the reception.  It was held in a “party barn” and was a “bring your own booze” event…
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Metamessages…

During the workday, i’m mostly on the move through a large building complex, spending much of my day on roving patrol, going from meeting to meeting.  i don’t carry a briefcase, and often won’t even have a pad of paper for notes, instead jotting memos directly into my blackberry to provide an electronic reminder of promises made…

On days when i’m not wearing slacks, or a blazer, i find myself without pockets.  Today was such a day… With back to back meetings being held at opposite ends of the complex – perhaps a half mile apart – i had strategically planned to stop at the cafeteria to snag a quick lunch en route.

Without pockets, or a notebook, i stuffed a twenty dollar bill into the most convenient carrying place a woman has in such a circumstance – my bra.  This is not unusual for me, as i have another odd habit -carrying my cell phone in my bra.*  When traveling, hotel room keys, discussion notes, rental car keys and other assorted shrapnel will end up there as well.**

Wearing a wrap dress, with moderate cleavage, i knew i could discretely retrieve the cash on my way to grab lunch.  Arriving a few minutes late for my earlier meeting, i snuck into the back of the room, gathering situational awareness before diving into the business at hand. 

As i joined the festivities, i couldn’t help but notice the gentleman to my left checking me out from time to time.  Since he was of the “non-troll” variety of male***, this was mildly flattering, and sort of picked me up, after the day got off to a bumpy start.

Of course, you guessed it… not only was the twenty sticking out of the right side of my bra, but my phone was clearly visible through the thin fabric on the left side.   i didn’t notice until i went to retrieve the cash as i turned the corner into the lunch room. 

Gives a whole new meaning to “dressing professionally”…

** sort of like a chipmunk.  with breasts…

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* yes, set on “vibrate”.  some days, i’d like to set it on “stun”. 

 

*** truly a rare animal in my workplace.  we are like a breeding zoo for nerds, dweebs and gentlemen who live in Mommy’s basement until they are 40 years old.

yoda speaks…

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“Annoying are you, daisyfae.  Out of my car you shall get…”

I’ve had a delightful opportunity to hang with yoda this week.  At the workshop, i’ve enjoyed watching the reaction of the attendees whenever he speaks… from the back of the room, i would see people talking, getting up for coffee, surfing the web* while presentations were underway.  Yet as soon as the unmistakable voice of yoda was heard commenting, or raising a question?  Silence.  No fingers clicking away on keyboards, conversations cease.  All heads turn to hear the soft, yet poignant words of the master.  This was almost always followed by some groupie saying loudly “Great comment – i couldn’t agree more.  And furthermore…” at which point, heads again nod in Blackberry prayer and people resume their surfing, e-mail and conversations. 

After another round of ridiculous quantities of alcohol, joining the band as guest artist, and other stupid behavior networking late last night, i was up at the festive hour of 5 am.  Prior to my late night excursion into the underbelly of Retired, Over-Cooked Yuppie Central, i had agreed to join yoda on a sunrise excursion with a small gaggle of loyal followers into the Joshua Tree National Park.   With just 3 hours of shut eye, i dutifully reported to the lobby for our jedi adventure. 

He and i are known for our arguments.  Not real disagreements, but debates executed as forensics training.  Neither one of us may believe firmly in our position du jour, but we joust for the sport of it.  After one particularly viscious bout, he attempted to leave me at a seedy truck stop, 2 hours from our destination**.   I had annoyed him beyond his ability to drive.  As he paid the tab, i mentioned that i was going to the counter – populated by large, gruff gentlemen – and would start to cry.  I further informed him that i would explain my circumstances to the nice, sympathetic truck drivers, and hitch a ride.  Wisely, yoda allowed me to return to the car, and all was resolved.

This morning?  Not a hint of disagreement.  The sunrise was breathtaking, and worth the lost sleep.  I think yoda was delighted that he could provide an experience so overwhelming that i was left speechless.  This time?  I was not banished from the car.

And the lesson learned by this young warrior?  Drinkin’ and whorin’ brings tranquility to young jedi – and a tranquil young jedi brings tranquility to the master.

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*how rude!  can you believe that?

**my version of events.  his version is quite different.  both are amusing.  neither are particularly accurate…

Meeting Survival – Graduate Level Course

At a lovely Nerd-Herd workshop this week… and although i served as a poor substitute gave a presentation for an absent colleague this afternoon, and tomorrow will be chairing a morning session and serving as a panelist at the evening “senior leadership” session*, i have a hard time concentrating on the presentations – brilliant scientists in our field, from the U.S., Europe and even a representative from Asia this year… talking about their most remarkable results**.  So, how to stay awake after a late night of drunken dabauchery networking with colleagues?

At my last meet-a-thon, i resorted to rather primitive survival techniques.  Thankfully, this upscale yuppie infested resort meeting room has Wi-Fi.  Oh, yeah baby….  was able to score a seat in the back of the room, near the coffee urn and cookies under the guise of needing an outlet for my laptop. 

Cookies, coffee and the world wide interweb!  I have been able to engage and deflect incoming work missiles lobbed from 2000 miles away.  I have had time to catch up on my blog reading.  Electronically passing notes with drunken yab friends other attendees at the workshop.  Catching the up on local news from my hometown newspaper.  Reading book and movie reviews. 

Oh, and getting paid to do it.  Damn.  I’ve got the best job in the world this week….

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* A sign of desperation in Geekdom.  They couldn’t get anyone functional else to do this.  I’m also known to be easy (no, not like that) and can be persuaded with unlimited alcohol and the sunshine and blue skies of the California desert. 

** at least the stuff they’ve already patented… or work that is guaranteed to piss off arch-rivals.