With just a hint of garlic…

How lazy am i?  How big of a redneck resides in my soul? 

YOU make the call…

Plans for a casual dinner date with hot boy/potential victim a new gentleman friend.  Week night = very casual, but because he wanted to fit in an after work run, we agreed to meet at 8:00 pm.  Kinda late for a meal.  Besides, it’s the First Law of Chubbies that when we go on dinner dates, we have to at least pretend to be Skinnies-in-the-Rough.  At least for a few dates.  Poking at a dry salad – “No Croutons, please!” 

But i was too fucking hungry tonight to wait til 8:00 pm and then order rabbit food for dinner.  So i did the “fat chick pre-game” and made myself a filling snack when i got home from work.  Having nothing of substance in my house to eat – due to my “grocery store avoidance” gene – i went for this odd home-brewed concoction that has served me well. 

Starting with Orville Redenbacher’s “Smart Pop” microwave popcorn, i melt a small amount of butter, then add basil, garlic and a dusting of parmesan and romano cheese.  A low-fat, filling “delicacy” for sure… If you consume this with a diet coke AND an 8 ounce glass of water?  You’ll feel full for several hours.  Fiber.  Fiber is good, right?

Between trips to the bathroom – waging war against frizzy hair and the grape-sized zit* that had magically appeared after i went to work this morning – i bopped into the kitchen to tend to my gourmet treat.  Stuffing that first fabulous handful into my face, i realized something was amiss.  The carefully crafted tastes were not blending in a manner that pleased my palate…

Pulling the empty popcorn box from the trash, i realized my mistake.  There are several “mutant” varieties of Orville’s Smart Pop – and the one that i’d snagged was “Kettle Korn”.  For the uninitiated, “kettle korn” is sweet – like caramel corn, but different**.  Needless to say “sweet” and “garlic pesto parmesan” are not complimentary flavors.

The sad part:  i ate the whole fucking bag.  How lazy do you have to be to do that?  i was hungry, it was there, the clock was ticking and that zit wasn’t going to cover itself…

It’s times like this that i know the meaning of the phrase “Spam Suckin’ Trailer Trash”… no doubt.

That shure is sum tasty vittles, Wanda June!

That shure is sum tasty vittles, Wanda June!

* i’m 46 1/2 fucking years old.  and i get zits.  not just little things that can be painted over with a make up trowel, but those welts that are large enough to be visible from LANDSAT, and have been known to show up on GoogleEarth.  My dermatologist says “Oh, you should be happy!  When the pimples stop, you’ll get wrinkles!”  He’s a pig fucker.

** Sometimes, i am completely enthralled with my descriptive abilities.  This is not such a time…