Harder to Kill: Quarter 3-ish

Hey… S’up?

It’s a little awkward coming back out here after being gone for so long – and leaving you with such a sad ol’ cliffhanger. The grief over the loss of my canine life partner continues, but i was back at work the following Monday and have been soldiering on… Granted, i couldn’t speak of it – even to my closest friends – for about a week, and it took a full month before i stopped sobbing at any fleeting reminder of his death and disappearance from my daily life.

That third quarter update on my annual goals was due at the end of October, but i had thrown myself into a variety of extra-curricular activities by then – including an unplanned excursion back on stage for the first time in seven years. With tech week, and the show opening in late October, i simply couldn’t carve out the time for a coherent update.

So here’s the short version of my two annual objectives of simultaneously becoming Harder to Kill while Preparing to Die: i am somewhat harder to kill, and no better prepared to die. This will also serve as the end of year wrap up. Mostly because even I’M bored with this!

i work out a lot. i eat poorly and drink too much – although primarily on weekends, this tends to blur through the holidays. Therefore, i’m still fat, but i am pushing more weights when i lift. With the frenetic activity that began with a two week holiday in September, i have done exactly dick when it comes to getting organized, clearing files, and doing further elimination of the material albatrosses (albatrii?) that will make me an unpleasant dead parent to my children.

Where am i? Momentary respite.

A business trip out west provided an opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with my son and his family. i decided somewhere along the way that the things i’ve been doing for the holidays would be parked this year – not feeling any inclination to decorate, or bake, or throw the two giant holiday parties i usually throw. Actively working to only tackle the things which bring joy, and with all of the balls in the air, all that other stuff would add more stress than joy this year.

Studley is about 8 time zones away on a business trip, and i’ve got an entire weekend to myself – hence the opportunity to poke my head back into the blogosphere and say “Hey”. Deliberately didn’t schedule anything – going somewhat off grid. Wanted to retreat and give myself time to fucking think. A luxury when one tends to deal with stress by increasing kinetic energy.

Valuable thing to do, it turns out. i’m sorting out all sorts of demons and dynamics. With the New Year waving at me from around the corner, i’ve realized that 2017 is going to be year of transitions – large and small. Navigating transitions is an important life skill. Sometimes we’re thrown into them, flapping and flailing and doing everything we can to get a toehold on the other side – nothing graceful about it. Sometimes we see them coming, and have some time to prepare ourselves to leave something behind as we start something new – an opportunity to better plan our navigation from one side to the other.


So consider this a warning. i’m back. i have a lot to work through with some major transitions ahead. In the meantime, i’ll be poking my head out and about, trying to catch up with my old blogmates. Wishing you and yours a most joyous holiday season!

42 thoughts on “Harder to Kill: Quarter 3-ish

  1. Hey.
    Lovely to see you poke your head above the parapet.
    I hear you on the vicious grief front. I had to make the decision to say goodbye to a precious cat less than a fortnight ago. It was the only decision I could make but I am still sobbing. Sometimes at the weirdest times.
    And a wonderful transition year to year and a holiday season filled with everything good.

    • So very sorry you had to make the tough decision… as the vet told me while I was still struggling with timing: We’d rather go a month too soon than a second too late. Once they go into crisis, we can’t turn back the clock. Sending you love my dear! Will get back your way soon! xoxo

  2. Hey Backatcha 🙂

    Transitions never seem to cease, no matter what age we are. Sadly, neither do grief-ful things. This year we lost a loved nephew aged just 44 followed just 24 hours later by a loved family pooch aged just 4. Life goes on, we are told, but it can be hard to believe that. So hugs for you and hopes for a 2017 with more successes than roadblocks.

    AND!!!! What about the return to theatre? Details! 🙂

    • Sorry you’ve had a bad run of it… in general, I have little to complain about. The ticking clock gets louder each day, though. Makes it hard to sleep sometimes! So we run hard, and hold tight those we love (human and critter). Steel our hearts, while trying to make sure we leave enough openings for good things to still find their way inside… Look at me. Blathering before coffee. That usually doesn’t end well…

      The show? Complete accident – director pinged me after a castmember had to drop out for medical issues. Needed a dominatrix on short notice and said I was his first thought! I think he asked me because he knew I’d save him a fortune by bringing my own costumes… So with 4 weeks rehearsal, I did a small ensemble show that kicked my arse. Met some lovely people, made audiences laugh, and I got pretty proficient with a whip. It was fun, a wonderful distraction, but a reminder why I don’t like to do theatre… probably a better future post…

  3. Great spans of time can pass between friends and when you do get together it is like no time went by at all. I think you are doing fab on the harder to kill bits, and pfft you are who you are and loved for it in my books is the highest thing in the world achieved, big gold star for you. Always lovely to hear from you. I assume when we don’t you’re out there living a life and having fun and we’ll cross paths eventually. Take care and all the best to you and yours in 2017

    • Hi catmont! Thanks for staying with it this long! The blog has been a great place for me to organize my thinking, and has served me well when I can’t get my head around issues – I force myself to write, stay on topic, and my target is 500 words or less. if I can do that for my readers? I’ve also managed to get my own thinking clarified… A big year ahead, and processing some adjustments in life balance, and reflecting on past relationships brought me back.

      In the meantime, I’m not done living hard! More than ever, I am going to speedball to the finish line! Here’s to a grand year ahead for you!

  4. Oh! All these end of year reminders that some of us still haven’t worked through THIS year’s stuff!
    I don’t make NY resolutions.I just glance over my shoulder and maybe say “shan’t do THAT again!” and move on.Sorting, working through is the best way to give impetus to the next step.
    Sad losses here, too, but a lot of laughter, too.And, for me, a small win on the health front.YAY!
    Onward and upward!

    • i don’t care for resolutions either – a scenario generally fraught with peril of probable failure. I’ve enjoyed these more nebulous ‘goals’. things to work toward, without having a measureable outcome (ie: weight goal). 2017 will be tougher… still nebulous, but i’ll be working through things in my head.

      Glad you got some good news on the health front! you’ve been doing things right, and it’s nice to see a payoff!

      onward indeed!

  5. I should know better than to write comments on my phone. It’s too easy to swipe the send button. As I was about to say, I got nailed in the LDBC yesterday at a Drawing Jam at an art school. There was a flutist playing quietly in a corner, and it took me a while to recognize what was happening. As for me, after six months of exercise, I fell off the wagon last month, (I had a cold, Trump got elected, inspection) but am on track to start again tomorrow. I couldn’t believe how much I lost in one month. But onward. Take your time for a quiet holiday, you deserve it. Virtual hugs from here.

    • The Boy is being brutal this year! Between the commercial with the hidden soundtrack, and the old standards popping up early and sniping us by the dozens, I have seen many friends go down in the early days of the challenge!

      You’ve done well with the exercise this year – ok to let a few weeks slide. That first day back is the toughest! Hope it went well! Like you, a few weeks off, and it’s terrifying how many gains we can lose. Takes longer to build them back than to lose them! Keep plugging away at it!

  6. Hello DF, nice to have you back again. I’m dreading the day when my little ball of fur curled up over there goes too, but there’s no point in thinking about that in advance.

    I always feel I need a bit of a sit down and a glass of port after I have digested the boundless energy that comes across in your posts. So that’s what I’m doing.

    Your play sounds fun — you’ve obviously acquired a reputation in town as the quiet, bookish type! 🙂

    Hope 2017 is a good one and I look forward to more tales from the Midwest.

    • It feels right to be back, at least for a bit. Not only do I need the discipline of writing to sort out what’s going on in my head, I genuinely enjoy my blogmates. It was good to ‘sit with you’ last night and catch up on life in loobyville – never boring, always raw and with honesty that takes my breath away.

      the silly thing about the play? I was older than 8 of my 9 other castmates – and was schooling them in some of the less-than-vanilla arts so they could understand some of the references. another reason I worry about this generation!

      huge upside from doing the show, however, is that I found a whip artistry instructor – hired him to coach me in cracking, control and choreography. He was delicious – and I resume lessons in January! will be knocking cigarettes out of mouths in no time!

      • Sounds great! And yes, yopung people seem quite tame nowadays so glad to see you corrupting a few of them 🙂

        (Thanks for the nice comments about my witterings too).

    • On my facebook feed, a photo from 6 years ago popped up – the two of us in a snowy Bryant Park on one of my first visits! That was the one where I had about 3 hours clear while on a business trip. Will definitely be back – no idea when! Over a million frequent flier miles in the bank going into retirement? Will have to spend some of that on NYC airfare! Can you hook me up with tix to Hamilton? 🙂

  7. Hey, sweetpea! Someone said it earlier about not seeing a friend for ages, but when you do, it’s as if the last time was yesterday (I’m paraphrasing, of course) anyway, you’re here, I love ya, and that’s it! 😉 xoxoxoox

    • Hello my lovely! I have stepped back (gently) from the book of faces – just too much stress out there! Even so, it’s hard to get past the surface on that platform. I enjoy the depth of the connection I’ve found with my blogmates – and will be over to visit and catch up with you soon!

      On a separate note – Studley and I have been playing with the flight radius of his plane. Savannah is just a little over 3 hours away by air… one stop for fuel, but we could get there pretty easily! Will definitely let you know when that happens, but it’s on the ‘probable trips’ list! 🙂

  8. Good to see that you’re still abiding lady… had to scale back the workouts cuz i torched my shoulder a bit, problem is that addicts mentality won’t let me (at least until it fully heals which it probably won’t) but the other day i was lighter than i weighed when i graduated from college in 1993, often think about the Girl every time Turkey pops up on the news and the boy every time our fair nation decides to police somewhere else… and i don’t do NY resolutions i do daily ones, mainly i tell myself to try and be a decent human being each day and not an asshole, lol, some days i’m more successful than others (but i’m sure that depends on who you ask.)

    • It seems that I am far more likely to knock something out of whack these days – usually minor because I’m not pushing heavy weights, and am pretty aware of my limits. But it sucks to be knocked down – back, hip, knee… I spend a lot of effort modifying exercises to avoid tweaking injury-du-jour.

      I need to do an update on The Boy – surprised he didn’t get whiplash from the change in lifestyle! part of my ‘transitions’ tales, I’m hoping that i’ll get to writing again in the dark of January. You’d be amazed… on second thought, no you wouldn’t. You’ve lived it! He’s got a home, family, and couldn’t be happier… still working for Mother Army for a couple more years, he’ll get out and get back to making an actual living with his hands.

      The Girl is doing well – things stay pretty quiet. Most of the people who are being arrested are collected without much fanfare. She and her Turkish family are pretty low on radar, but it’s still a fucking mess. Not like it could happen here… oh wait… Commander in Cheeto and all that…

        • Orange Caligula is one that a co-worker prefers. My goal is to get through the next 4 years without hearing him speak as POTUS. I have stopped watching news programs, preferring to read news online where I can avoid video…

  9. Holy crap on a Popsicle! Transition time! The government should issue transition therapy sessions for OUR teams. My sweet husband and I are trying to figure out how NOT to drink ourselves stupid for the next 4 years in order to deal with this smell that was ‘supposedly’ elected. Just when I think it can’t get any weirder… BTW, of course I don’t know your daughter, but always send positive vibe to her and the Mr Daughter when I hear about weird shit in Turkey!

    • No kidding! I have never considered therapy, but thinking I may need it in the near term… All is steady for The Girl…except I’m not sure I’m going to encourage her husband to come here this summer. If he has to register? Brain meltdown… i’ll simply go there!

    • August? i was taking my first steps on a short section hike on the Appalachian Trail. Didn’t get lost, didn’t die, didn’t get eaten by the gigantic mosquitoes…. i’m good, just really damn busy! hoping to get back with an update soon!

  10. Damn, it’s dusty in here! i’m doing some excavations – electronic and physical – but hope to be back to catch up soon. Appreciate that y’all are still tracking… 🙂 Not quite dead yet!

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