We needed to go through Mom’s office. Because she valued everything she saved, we felt compelled to touch everything before determining disposition – we owe her that. Spending a Sunday morning at the homestead, my niece DQ, sister S, and i plowed into the task at hand.
We created piles – “Save”, “Trash”, “Donate” and got to work, each of us grabbing a box of stuff for excavation. The first box i grabbed came from the file cabinet. Reaching in, i pulled a worn envelope, stuffed full of aged, brown papers. Naked lady playing cards, purple mimeographed ‘office jokes’, and a stack of typewritten stories.
There was a two page “diary” entry, dated 3 November 1952, Avonmouth, Bristol, England…
Dear Diary:
I had a date with Ted last night and we drove along for about an hour or so until we came to a small house beside the road in the woods. Ted drove the car behind the house and we got out and knocked at the door, a girl came to the door and opened it. She was perfectly formed, having a beautiful body and legs. The rich crop of black hair at her cunt made me envious immediately.
Well… that escalated quickly, didn’t it? Apparently Betty, and her boyfriend, Bob, were expecting company. Then the orgy commenced… Lots of poorly-written, detailed exploits for these two couples. Criminal abuse of the words “juice”, “moist”, and “moans of ecstasy”.
“Holy shit! i found Mom’s porn collection!”
Although badly written hard core erotica, i was delightfully surprised with the degree of sexual adventure it captured… Who knew grandma could get her freak on with another woman?
As traumatic as it was to find this gem in the stack of fragile papers, it was this one that makes me want to take a cheese grater to the memory lobes of my brain… In complete shock, i read it to my sister and my niece…
A True Dog Story
I was married when I was 16, younger than most girls nowadays. I had a good husband and life ran smoothly for me until I was 20, then my husband died. After I had been a widow about two years, there was a burglar scare in our neighborhood and my friends advised me to get a watch dog to keep strangers away.
Well. Can anyone else see where this is going? After our heroine has to rush from the bathtub to see who is knocking on her front door, the new watch dog decides to get frisky… i cannot retype the entire text because i will end up stark raving mad. There are gems like this “He finally managed to lift my hips with his front paws…”and “After a short struggle, I fainted.”
As you can imagine, my sister and niece were both screaming at me, “STOP! PLEASE!” but one must share such horror. It was a train wreck – i couldn’t make myself stop.
The lady and her dog apparently continued hot and heavy for a few months, until invariably a neighbor lady caught them. “You should have seen her eyes stick out when she saw that the dog had me pinned to the bed, screwing to beat hell”.
So what the hell am i supposed to do with this stuff? Trash it? Burn it? There is only one answer, at least now that i have been permanently scarred by this discovery…
Put it in a storage case and forget about it. Let my children find it after i’m dead. It’s only fair…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE: Added this image for Ms. Texas Trailer Park Trash! Apparently she found this in her Father’s stash when she was a child! Since this was the least freaky of the things i found, i kept it and will likely use this for notes!
Trailer Park Refugee 
And this is exactly why my cousins and I were discussing yesterday that, Goddess forgive, something happens to any of us we are to descend on the lost loved one’s house to wipe the hard drives and burn any “play” boxes hidden at the house.
Welcome to the Park, D2E! Exactly – my friend and i have what we call a “Doomsday Pact” – we know what has to be extracted before our adult children have the task of going through all the stuff. It is kinder that way. The only problem is if we both go at the same time… it is good to have a Doomsday Buddy…
But your mom didn’t actually write any of this stuff, right? That would be too fun for words. Obviously you have to open a new blog and start posting paragraphs. Then, as you suggest, plant it so your kids find it when you’re gone. They’ll wonder why your corpse is smiling.
Most certainly not… We did find some sweet, sentimental poetry – hand written, with lots of cross outs – that we think she wrote. Honestly, this crap is so horribly written i do not wish to further disseminate the words. There’s good erotica out there, no need to read about the lady and her dog… For fun, of course, my sister and niece are now giving me total shit about my dog. As they should.
When you have finished with that cheese grater can I have it. Please.
Happy to share the grater – the least i can do. i tried to convey the content without using too many of the actual words… as bad as these examples are? There is much worse. Much, much worse…
Pass the grater…
i think i should just purchase some in bulk. Easier that way… probably more hygienic, too!
That was the way porn worked way back then – Badly typed pages mimeographed and passed around surreptitiously. Hiding the collection for the kidlets to find sounds like the ultimate practical joke. 🙂
We found the original “dog story” – a book or magazine page that is flaking and falling apart. Someone had lovingly re-typed the entire thing to share. Lots of that flimsy, thin typewriter paper. Only a few of the purple mimeographed copies.
OMG! That is all.
(Also, you are wicked to do that to your children. And I have some cleaning to do.)
i was complaining that i kept finding money she’d hidden – it made me sad that she didn’t spend it on herself. The attorney was laughing at me whenever i’d call with a new find – “What’s the matter, Babe? Did poor little daisyfae fine another $10,000?” He laughed until he cried when i told him about the erotica – and asked for an unofficial copy. He says that this happens a lot…..
Needless to say, Studley and i have a ‘doomsday plan’. But i do need to consolidate a lot of hardware and costumes. Well, the costumes? Those are probably ok…
Blimey — that word “cunt” is quite arresting — think of how it must have sounded in 1952. There’s a fine line sometimes, isn’t there, between the comic and the lustful. I’d treasure the porn myself. For all its faults, it’s a snapshot of a pre-digital age when more imagination was needed (no bad thing).
There is a certain charm – almost innocence – to it. Good erotica is tricky, as there’s a need to avoid overly florid language (ie: “turgid loins”), yet get the reader sticky along the way. i wonder if there are collectors of such writings out there?
Um…yes there are.Or at least, there were, 50 years ago. I knew of someone who collected things from several places, with the intention of publishing his collection. I have some Japanese prints which are beautiful artwork;and I have a book which includes some so-badly-drawn-they’re-a-joke Chinese figures. I’m told that the Chinese at that time were aiming for Western style.Let’s just say they didn’t study Mr. Grey’s Anatomy!
That would be both disturbing and entertaining. i might poke around to see if there is someone out there doing a ‘no-kidding’ collection of these sorts of things, from a sociological point of view. would be happy to donate – and spare my children
additionaltrauma.So what you’re telling me is that i should have plans in place to get rid of my leather gimp bondage mask, purple velvet jockstrap and assless chaps?
That’s pretty tame stuff, all things considered. It’s the ‘chin-borne appendage’ and ‘his and her’ electrodes that you might want to put in a timed destruction case… now, about that mask…
Blimey!
Exactly!
How funny! Once, when I was a kid, I went snooping through my dad’s dresser drawers and found a note pad that said “Things to Do Today” at the top. Under that was a drawing of a couple in the missionary position. Oh, my! And my maternal grandfather had what we called his “shanty” in his backyard where he would dabble in oil painting. Little Miss Snoop Dawg (me) found some naughty French postcards of naked ladies hidden in his desk. It’s just so disorienting to think of parents or grandparents having an interest in sex, isn’t it? But, that’s how we all got here! 🙂
OH MY GOD! I FOUND THAT NOTEPAD, TOO! Trying to figure out how to upload the photo to a comment – may have to edit the post to show you! It is exactly the same thing – i wasn’t sure if it was a ‘one off’ thing because the image is almost as though it’s been hand stamped. It was a ‘thing’, though! Thank you for mentioning that!
Ha! Yes, the image was very simple indeed, like it was hand-stamped. I was pretty young when I found it, so I think it was a real eye-opener for me. You know, “Ewww!”
i just added a pic of the notepad to the bottom of the post – check it out! you’ll have an amazing flash back (and perhaps a little PTSD)!
I just saw your photo! THAT’S IT!!! OMG. I’m looking right now just to the left of my computer at a photo that I keep on my desk of my dad in his Coast Guard uniform. It’s like he’s saying “Okay, kid. Busted!” LOL
i LOVED this note pad! can’t imagine the “Ewww” factor had i discovered it when i was a little one, though! Still blown away that you described this – and i happened to have found one just like it! Let’s toast our parents, shall we?
I probably found it when I was about eight or nine, so the “Eww” may have been more of a “Whaa?” You have to remember that this was around 1956 and kids were a little more sheltered from the facts of life then. (I’m sure my prurient interest was aroused, though.) If I remember correctly, what I really was searching for was my Christmas present, a Cinderella wristwatch. I wanted a Mickey Mouse one but my mother didn’t think that was girly enough. Hmph.
that was a double whammy – no mickey mouse AND parental weirdness! i’m thinking i’m going to use this notepad at work. think anyone will complain? 🙂
Kind of shocking to find out just how “human” our family tree can be. When I was young I asked my father, “Do you and mom ever have sex?” He answered, “How do you think you got here?” After floundering around from the shock, doing a mental graphic novel, and convincing myself it actually happened, it put things in perspective. Human is as human does.
Very human! If i hadn’t found the little ‘doggie tale’ i’d have been pretty amused by it, and less freaked out. i’ve managed to convince myself that mom simply kept it as a goofy and shocking novelty… yeah… that’s it…
A rude realization – It’s a little like Forrest Gump’s quote – “Family is like a box of chocolates you never know what’s gonna come out.”
Exactly… i may just throw out the doggie tale and keep the rest as a nice snapshot of the past. My version of Mr. Gump’s statement is a little colder – “you can’t divorce your family”. Well, you can, but sometimes they track you down…
A vintage porn easter egg for the kids? You’re the best mom evah!
It’ll eventually come out in therapy. i’ve got enough life insurance that they will be able to pay for a LOT of therapy…
French porn? Vintage erotica?
Try finding your parents’ TOY BOX!
There was not nearly enough vodka in range to erase THAT!
*oh god … I’m having flashbacks … I need vodka …*
Eeeep! i think there is not enough therapy on earth to fix that. Holy shit! i consider myself grateful that it wasn’t worse… And am further reminded of the need to have my Doomsday Buddy clear out my own hardware to spare my children further trauma…
My Lord!!! I’m so glad I never found any of that kind of stuff when clearing out my parents / great aunts/ grandmothers… etc.
My brother commented that he wondered what happened to Dad’s vintage girlie magazines. I never knew he had any but my brother had found them stashed in the tool shed with a mate of his when they were about 12. Well Dad must have known they were long gone… my brother claimed his only interest was that “they may have been worth something at auction…” yeah… right!
You managed to get through childhood without finding them? And your brother didn’t tip you off? That’s no fun!
I had forgotten about the old girlie magazines! Had to root around in my archives, but found this: https://daisyfae.wordpress.com/2008/08/26/blast-from-the-past/
It was in 2008 we found some magazines stashed under a mattress… At the time, I also wondered if they might have value. In the end, I think they got trashed… Just as well, I suppose…
well… see I knew where my brother hid his stash which were much more up to date… 😉
Of course! I think we all had our ‘stashes’ and ‘borrowed stashes’…. Makes me feel a little sad for kids today with such easy access through the internet. There was something almost innocent about the basic ‘girlie’ magazine…
ok, that happened! *reaching for the hard stuff, no pun intended, because after that read, i don’t care what i drink* 😉 xoxoxoxox
And THAT is exactly what happened when i got home that night… lawd hammercy, i couldn’t pour bleach into my brain!
I’d pay money to see you on Antiques Roadshow with this gem of a collection.
Oh my lord – THAT would be some funny stuff! i may have to check the schedule to see if they’re going to be anywhere near me!