Quarterly Update: Un-fucking myself

Despite the monkey wrench delivered squarely in my gut in mid-September, i have not forgotten my pledge to gently “un-fuck” myself.  The first two quarterly updates in April and June showed steady progress on my fitness goals, and slowed progress on the excavations…

When my son and daughter came home in July, they were both highly motivated to eat all of the pizza in town, while consuming gallons of tasty beer.  Being some what weak-willed when it comes to food and drink, i managed to gain back 10 pounds of the 25 i’d discarded in the first 6 months of the year.

Happy to say that i’ve unloaded most of that within the same quarter, and can claim a sustained net loss of 25 pounds for the year.  Given two weeks of eating meals from vending machines and gas station roller grills during Mom’s hospitalization, and funerary doings, i’m surprised i haven’t gained any more.

The German language has the most beautiful word:  Kummerspeck.  It means “grief bacon”.  Between the bacon and the booze, it’s a fucking miracle, but i’ve kept up the gym habit, and continue to load my fat arse onto my bicycle seat.  Will stay the course…

As for the excavations?  i managed to clear a bookshelf, and find a home for it, along with a few other small pieces of furniture.  Another trip to donate goods at the thrift store happened, but over all, not much done in this regard.

In fact, as executor for Mom’s estate, i have been hauling boxes and bags of shit back home with me, sorting out piles of bills and legal documents. Feel as though i went backwards in this one – at least for now.  i did manage to find some time this weekend to build some ‘piles’ on the top of the Murphy bed in my office to start to regain some semblance of order… For the past three weeks my dining room table has been a jumble of papers and envelopes and mail and…. stuff…

It will take at least 6 months to get all of it sorted and settled, so i am trenched in on this.  Mom did a good job with estate planning back in February, so it’s not nearly as complicated as it could have been.  But she left me with some rather vexing issues, and all i can do is… wait… think… and keep making piles.

We are moving slowly.  There is no rush to clear Mom’s personal effects, and my niece, DQ is sole owner of the home, so it is entirely up to her to set the pace for such things.  She was absolutely phenomenal during Mom’s last week, and has demonstrated tremendous grace throughout.

As we sat at her dining room table last week, sorting bills and transfers of utilities and the like, she had a few items waiting for me – things she wanted me to have.  Among them?  This little dude…  Mom told her that it was special to me, and that i should probably have it.

i may have been reduced to a blubbering ball of tears and snot…

He kept me company on the ride home that afternoon… Arrivederci, Roma… Good to see you again, kiddo.

Arrivaderci

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18 thoughts on “Quarterly Update: Un-fucking myself

  1. I am also in the middle of unfucking. The 60 lbs i lost on the “grief diet” is still gone, and just this week I committed to eating a healthier diet and getting what exercise I can. The house is a mucking fess, but I have plans. Excavations start in the morning. I will count that as part of my exercise. I have also committed to laundering and giving away my “fat jeans” because they put me at risk of arrest for indecent exposure. I have found a knitting group I like, and am thinking of joining a senior center. (When in the hell did I get old enough for that?)

    • Sometimes it takes a jolt to our routine to trigger these adjustments. Taking things in small bites seems to be working for me, and you, at the moment. Congratulations on turning the ‘grief diet’ weight loss into something more positive. Small mindful steps. That’s how we get where we need to go…

    • It’s happened more than once, and it’s the oddest things that triggers a snot-fest… The hugs are greatly appreciated. People have been so kind… even though Mom’s death can’t really be considered tragic or unexpected, it still marks a major transition in life. Good luck with your unfuckfest! i’ve been trying to find time to get out and walk the blogosphere to catch up – some travel ahead, so i hope to use my down time in airports for good, and not just drinking!

  2. I’m glad to hear DQ rose to the occasion. Thank God.

    The next time you’re reduced to tears and snot, can you whip out your phone, film it and then post? It might be FreshPressed.

    See you Friday. Save travels to you.

    • One of the main reasons i need to keep writing is to capture the evolution of the family dynamic – over the past few months, the weeks of intense emotional stuff, and now, as we are all re-forming our connections, or disconnecting entirely. This part begins the epilogue to the book… a book that Mom knew i was going to write.

      No video, sugar. i’m not one of those people who ‘cry pretty’.

      See you soon!

    • This little fella may find his way to my sisters house… she had the same reaction when she became reacquainted with him – and it seems rather selfish of me to want to keep him to myself. It’s so very strange the things that matter… All of the things that i thought would bother me a year ago? In the noise… But the little things that send me over the edge? Who knew!

      • Yes I know that one. Mum had kept saying “all the important stuff is in the brown case in the wardrobe. That included my school reports and 25m swimming certificate from when I was 10!

        • Once we get serious about excavating the storage locker Mom had rented 4 years ago when the renovations started on her house, i suspect we’re all going to become blubbering babies… that’s where most of the stuff from childhood will be…

    • Thank you, Map… If you are in touch with your taller pal, be sure to let him know that he’s in my thoughts, and i’m cheering madly for him as he charts his new course! Xoxoxo

    • Thanks, Savannah… My niece has the worst of it right now, because there’s a hole in her daily life, and schedule. She spent a lot of time taking Mom to all the doc appointments, making sure she had food, and all the daily stuff. She’s really struggling with the void. It gets less raw with time… only been three weeks so far… we’ll be ok…

  3. So, the music box came to you through the grace of DQ and your mother… I think your impulse to share it is beautiful. Sometimes it is enough just knowing that you “can” have an item, that someone thought it was right that you have it. What we really need to know that our needs and emotions are explicitly acknowledged, and when that happens the need for the symbolic item diminishes.

    Piles of piles of papers…. the impulse is to burn it all but of course, one cannot do that! Keep on keepin’ on. You’ll make it through.

    • i think you’re right… i am just happy to know that the li’l fella got out, and will be loved and appreciated. still plugging away on the paperwork… frustrating, but so far no one is pushing on me to move quickly – and everyone is behaving…

  4. Grief Bacon? those god damn jerries can be a brilliant people you know? I may have to name my next pet Kummerspeck… and for the record after loitering around the park for so long when i saw that damn music box (i think that’s what it is) i damn near was a blubbering ball of tears and snot…

    • German is a wonderful language – i’ve always appreciated the logic of word construction. Not always brief, or elegant, they have some wonderful words!

      Yes – it’s a little music box. And whether he stays with me, or goes to live with my sister, i’m just happy he got out, and will be loved…. you really are a big ol’ softie, aren’t you?

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