Taming of the Shrew

She resents me, although she’s never met me. It has nothing to do with who i am, what i do, what i believe, how i look, how i live my life… The simple fact that i exist… that’s enough.

Weddings and funerals are inherently emotional events. A crash of Venn Diagrams – we assemble to celebrate, or reflect and remember. Memories and pinning points both sweeten, and poison, the atmosphere.

It was a genuine delight to be invited to the wedding of Studley’s son last weekend. It’s been five years or so since the divorce, and while he’s moved on with his life, his ex-wife has wallowed in a bitter stew. Knowing that my attendance at the wedding could create discomfort for the newlyweds, i offered to step back – wanting to do nothing to draw attention away from the celebration of their marriage.

The young couple considered the offer – but came back with a resounding “We love you! If anyone there has a problem with it? It’s theirs, not ours – and certainly not yours. Please celebrate with us!”

A small wedding.  Knowing that there would be a moment when we’d be introduced, i considered a greeting. “Nice to meet you” wouldn’t cut it, as it wasn’t nice to meet her. Rather than lie, i needed something else. i settled on “Your children are delightful! You must be quite proud!” – which is what i said when her son introduced me as “Dad’s friend, daisyfae”.

For the wedding, i chose the blandest, dullest, most boring outfit i could conjure* from my wardrobe – long navy dress, white sweater, coral scarf.  Didn’t stick around for the formal family photography session – not my gig, didn’t even need to be there to watch.  Stayed clear of the dance floor while the mother of the groom was out with her children. When Studley and i eventually hit it for some swing, i found a spot on the dance floor that was out of her direct line of sight.

Arriving back at the hotel after the reception, we met with Studley’s daughter to sort logistics for a breakfast meet up the following morning. The Girl Child had the ex-wife in tow. No way out. The Girl Child hugged her father and me as we moved toward the elevator. i reached out to shake the hand of the ex-wife, and wished her safe travels. Refusing my hand, she waved and said “good night”.

She resents me, after just meeting me. It has nothing to do with who i am, what i do, what i believe, how i look, how i live my life… The simple fact that i exist… that’s all.

And sometimes, that’s how it will be. Onward…

move the fuck on

* not a tremendous challenge.  i don’t shop.  i have underwear older than my children…

42 thoughts on “Taming of the Shrew

  1. Sometimes, it is just so obvious that these things they come up with have nothing to do with us at all. We are just bit players in their movies…

    • Exactly. i genuinely felt bad for her – but there wasn’t a single damn thing i could do to make it better for her. So i couldn’t worry about it – beyond staying out of the way. And Studley (and his children) had a glorious time! Much silliness and celebration!

  2. Ah, yes. A familiar scenario. I’d say you handled it well. Sad that parents are not always able to bottle their bile and allow the children their special moment. 10/10 Daisyfae.:-)

    • She did pretty well – apparently not one to let things go easily. It became clear through some conversations with their children that she was dealing with a bit of “butthurt” – over the fact that they’d invited Reverend Studley to officiate, as well as my existence on planet Earth. The bride was dealing with her own ‘divorced parent drama’ that was perhaps more obvious and challenging. Made me love the newlyweds just that much more for not eloping…

  3. Her problem, but sadly one that gets inflicted on her children too. Eleven out of ten is my vote for your behaviour and this post. And I am completely unsurprised that Studley’s children love you.

    • thanks. his kids are pretty damn amazing – and over the past couple of years we’ve had a good bit of time together, so they have an appreciation for the relationship their father has with me… and are apparently comfortable with him. me. us. What was most fun for me? Seeing the ‘family goofy gene’ play out — not just with his kids, but with his nieces, sister-in-law, and other members of the clan…. it was a true pleasure to be included. trying to shake off the small bit of discomfort that comes at it all through an historically unhappy woman.

    • one aspect of the plot twist… there are a metric fuck-ton of others playing out. can’t complain, just need to stay resilient and keep my teflon coating in good shape! unlikely to run into this particular shrew much… so there’s that!

      • Thought that and the “shutdown” was probably part of it. Dealing with my own plot twists as three different spiritualities vie to be part of The Boyo’s memorial service Saturday. It should be… Interesting.

        • oh, dear – balancing the gods for the sake of the survivors… i will be sending you as many ‘patience’ vibes as i can muster for the memorial service.

          we struggled, and bit our tongues, when our militant atheist friend was laid to rest with a full catholic mass – after leaving specific instruction that the be NO such service – because his mother needed it to happen.

        • One of my witchy friends was buried with the full Christian panoply. I’m sure she was whirling like a rotisserie on steroids. I have threatened to haunt anyone who brings fire and brimstone to my funeral.

  4. I want that poster for my bathroom wall. Simple as that. You were and are a class act. People who cannot get over their divorces after five months let alone five years need to grow up. Personally, I would say you are a MUCH nicer person than I am. I’m afraid I would have felt compelled to dance right in front of her and when meeting her at the hotel I would have grabbed her hand and wrung it sincerely while spouting some sort of gushing thing about how WONDERFUL Studley is and how grateful I was to have the opportunity to be with him, Thanks so much!!! Stab, twist, leave the dagger in…

    • Oh, it DEFINITELY crossed my mind… We might have even joked about the myriad of ways i could have twisted that dagger! She was terribly rude to Studley during the process of the divorce, and was rather unreasonable — to the point that HER lawyer finally told her to cut it out and settle. But for all of that? She never did anything mean to me. i’d never met HER before that moment either.

      In the end, there was no point to shaking my butt in the endzone. It was a day for their son. Family together – laughing, dancing, catching up. i was nothing more than a bit player in the cast. A walk on, really… i was there primarily to keep Studley from blowing a cork, and as an extra pair of hands for the bridal party.

      But i’m no saint. Horrible things crossed my mind!

      • I’m sure we all have horrible thoughts crossing our minds. Despite my comment, I’m probably more like you… It really serves no purpose to stir the pot. After all, you pointed out clearly that she is not a happy person. So her karma is already there in trumps. No need to try to make it all worse. That would be putting hte bad karma on your side. Anyway, kudos to you. You did good.

  5. Wow, you are braver than I am. I am sure none of your friends were there so it was only Studley’s friends who would have reason to be nice to you. I bet most of the guests were the Mother’s friends just because I think guy’s friends are not usually big on weddings. You did good.

    • It was a beautiful, and intimiate wedding — held 500 miles from where we live! Just about 50 people total — both families, and a combination of their local friends, and a few older friends of the groom. Studley enjoyed a chance to reconnect with two adorable nieces, and the widow of his brother. The ex-father-in-law was a bit crusty, but he and Studley both sucked up their historic animosity, shook hands, and pretended not to be disgusted with each other. All quite civil, really!

  6. Oh, man. Been there, done that. I think you handled it extremely well. You’re right—even though you had nothing to do with their break-up, you will still be viewed as “the other woman.” Yes, keep calm and move the fuck on. Studley should be proud to have you in his life, Daisyfae.

    • Knowing when you are serving in a supporting role? Very important. There was NOTHING about that weekend that put me ‘front and center’, and that was perfectly fine with me! Had the ex-wife not been there? The only difference would have been a more attractive costume (maybe) and a lot more time dancing! No regrets!

    • Thank you. It is a rather unpleasant feeling to know that you are despised – just for being alive. Coughing up this bit of emotional phlegm helped me get it out, and gone….

        • Amen! No shortage of people who expend an unbelievable amount of energy crafting their own victimhood – elevating martyrdom to an art form! No point worrying about it – they’re going to keep being victims regardless. It couldn’t POSSIBLY be due to their own actions!

  7. It never ceases to amaze me that people take so long to move on and sometimes never do. My Ex took a long time to stop being a jerk. I love his fiancee. She is kind, loves my boys as if they were her own and treats me with the respect I deserve as the boys mother. When the boys get mad at her I defend her knowing that she is doing the best she can and trying to do the right thing. We are even friends on FB and frequently talk on the phone. My husbands Ex has never moved on even after almost 10 yrs. she is a royal bitch and thank god she lives far away.
    I broke my ankle in August, trimalleolar fracture, one of the worst there is and I was thankful to have the kindness and concern of my ex’s fiancee. they may live far away but her career as a nurse and willingness to fully explain my problem to my son, who lives with them, was very wonderful.
    You made Studley and the kids lives a bit easier by being so awesome.
    Oh..and Hi..I may not have commented in a long time but I stop by all the time.

    • Good to hear from you – and sorry about the ankle! Very much appreciate the healthy relationship you have with your ex, and his fiance. Although it may not always be possible, it’s so much better for all involved if there is civility and genuine empathy… Even when my ex- and i were newly-divorced, we were at least civil. Things are far more comfortable now – and his wife and i get along quite well! Very happy he’s found her!

  8. Good all over you Daisyfae!
    Some people never lose the bitterness; sad.
    Too bad she’ll never know how freakin’ amazing you are!
    Her loss ….

    Keep it Classy! 😀
    xxx

    ps/keep the dagger close! lol

    • Feels good to have it behind me, that’s for sure! i will never underastand the attraction of ‘bitter’ – unless we’re talking ‘mixology’! the dagger, as well as a sturdy Tonya Harding brand knee thwacker, are close companions – and are at the ready if needed. Defensive use only, however! 😀

  9. My human has an Ex. They enjoy being around each other a tad. They both know much better they are without the ex hanging albatross style around their necks. Example: The closest thing they had in common was a common love for opera. She loves Verde and the Met, the Geezer loves Hank Sr. and the Grand Ole. From there it really gets bad.

    • My ex and i are so much better off now that we’re entrenched in our new directions. i was so happy when he met (and married) his new wife! He’s a good dad, and i just wasn’t the right broad for him! And i’ve found a much better balance in my life…

      Gotta love your example! Sums it up pretty nicely, i’d guess! 😀

  10. I love your tag that bitter is the new black. She clearly wears it well and guess what? In time, it will wear her thin (no, not skinny) but tepid, sallow, pale, flimsy, ghastly, – I can go on.

  11. Of course she resents you. Who wouldn’t resent you? There she is in all her splendour and then you show up looking like a million dollars with your magnetic personality, sparkling wit and drop dead charm oozing from every gorgeous pore. Pure sex on a stick is what you are hen. Women must hate you, especially those dreary, bitter, mousey wee house frau’s and their gazillions of insecurities that make them weep all on their pals shoulders in the ladies room. Did I mention your great arse? No… I’m probably still too busy drooling over your frontal lady bits and the way you look so damn appetising laying there naked after 8 solid hours of sex wrapped only in a silken sheet with my best shoes beneath the bed.

    I said that out loud huh?

    • Shhhh! Not so loudly, big guy! The neighbors are STILL cranky that we kept them up! Twas a good warm up, wasn’t it? i’ve sent the linens out for cleaning, but the initial word back from the laundry is that they are considered “HazMat” and have been put in the “destruction” bin. Picked up some new drywall boards – should be able to repair that gash in the wall soon. Now, about the ceiling? i’ve decided to simply rip the hole open a bit further and give the bedroom a second level – perhaps build that ‘chamber’ i’ve wanted for quite some time…

      • In my mind dear lady, I’ve often explored your secret chamber… but then, you are already well aware of my private thoughts, more so than most.

        • Except for that thing with the goat, i am in lockstep with the things i find in your head. We should probably get to drawing up some blueprints for that new attic room. You’re the one with the construction expertise… i’ll handle the hardware.

  12. I was going to leave a profound comment, but then I got distracted by your exchange with the chef. And my mind boggled and capered off to play in the attic of my own mind. Eep.

    What he said.

    • He’s quite the sweet talker, ain’t he? Very adept at feeding the ego of this doughy ol’ broad. If i thought for a micro-second that he wasn’t just blowing smoke up my…. um… wait… uhhh… where was i?

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