Upon further reflection…

One of the imaginary friends who lives inside my laptop* wrote a lovely post this week – preparing for the new year ahead, which includes a milestone birthday.  This is the year that Manuel will turn 40.

Replying to his post while assaulting my liver with bourbon, i hoarked up this:

one small bright spot, perhaps.  i turned 40 ten years ago.  and my 40′s have been my best decade so far… mostly because i completely stopped giving a flying fuck what anyone thought of me.

“yes.  i’m fat.  fuck you for noticing.”

“yes.  i have wrinkles AND pimples.  fuck you for noticing.”

“yes.  i just drank a martini for breakfast.  at my desk.  because i needed it.  fuck you for noticing and alerting the management”

It was a toss off comment.  But it’s true.  And it’s incredibly liberating.

It’s not that i don’t care what others think or feel.  i simply couldn’t give a microscopic sliver of a fractionalized fuck about what they think or feel about me.  About how i live my life.  About how i look.  About how i choose to spend my time.

For the past few days i’ve felt like i should do a “year in review” sort of post… To clear my head, maybe.  Sort out a few things.  Take advantage of the pinning point of a new calendar year.

There are a few small flies in my soup.

But i didn’t really want to.  Just couldn’t get the words up.  Couldn’t be bothered, really…

i use the blog as a way to collect thoughts, amuse myself, make friends, sort out things that keep me awake, and to get a handle on the complex relationship i have with my extended family**.

It’s all still there.  i just don’t feel like examining any of it.

This is effectively captured in a quote that anniegirl1138 used in her New Year’s post that has nestled itself comfortably in my brainpan.

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…

or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

– Tupac

Yep.  What he said… It was a good year.  Next.

* Sounds a bit freaky… kinda like that old joke about Princess Margaret and the Bentley…

** Who doesn’t?

60 thoughts on “Upon further reflection…

  1. an invigorating and freeing realization and mantra. let’s you face life unafraid and without reservation, i imagine. good on ya for getting to that zen place in your life. i’ve taken up bourbon consumption in the hopes that is the secret to achieving this state of mind. (and i admit having to look up the old joke…and am highly amused, thank you!)

    • you are also a far better writer, sis!

      i used to read the words of older women when i was in my 20’s and 30’s… and really didn’t get it. and some of my friends mothers – so cool! they laughed ALL THE DAMN TIME… i’m starting to get it… and it’s good.

  2. work hard. be nice. of course, that’s just a guideline, not a resolution to my mind, sugar! xoxoxoxo

    (thanx gnukid, i wondered about the joke. now, i’ll look it up.)

    • i try to be nice… when it’s deserved! and i used to work hard. suppose i still can if properly motivated…

      now? rollin’ onwards, and trying to minimize collateral damage! i can see the drain from here…

  3. Me: LOL
    Hubs: what’s so funny?
    Me: reading daisyfae
    Hubs: huh?
    Me: read your post out loud while he was cooking dinner…yea, he’s the cook.
    Hubs: lifted a double shot of single malt and said you’re his kind of gal….salud!!

  4. Yep, my Give-a-Shit is busted. And no plans to bring it in for repair.

    Of course, I’m fif fif fiffff older than you, so who knows what’s up next.

    • my Give-a-Shit is on holiday, somewhere far, far away. hopefully having a grand time. i don’t care whether i see it again…

      i turn 50 in june. thinking about a big-ass throw down party. but that’d be, like, work… and i’m not sure about that… might just go off somewhere sunny and lie about for a week instead….

      • Well, I would bet you large $ that the readership-at-large would LOVE to throw you a 50th, and i’d cook it for you. Say the word.

        But if not, I’m sure you’ll have a splendid day, and find many things to write about, which is almost as good.

        PS, I turn 54 in April. How the fuck did THAT happen?

      • i’d like that party! maybe some gigantic skype-driven thing? not as much fun as seeing folks in person, i think….and i wouldn’t get to sample your cooking!

        i really don’t feel 49 1/2. but i can definitely see the drain from here… want to enjoy the rest of the ride!

  5. Totally agree – the 40s are a rebirth and it’s WONDERFUL! My life has never been better (even when it sucks!) You continue to inspire me – and yeah, that’s a pretty awesome Tupac quote. Keeping it.

    • i still care. i still want to be useful and good. but doing it because of the expectations of others? fuck. that. shit. hard. and without a courtesy spit!

      glad you’re enjoying the moment. that’s really all we’ve got! even when it sucks.

  6. Fifties is fine. And it goes so well with not giving a flying fuck. My own personal mantra is (too) often Pooh, Bum, Fuck, Tit. Which can be abbreviated to PBFT around the mealy mouthed. And mostly isn’t.

  7. I wasted so much of my life giving too much of a shit. Self-awareness is important, but self-analysis is mostly a waste of time. At least once one is old enough to know oneself. Looking forward to another year of your special brand of insight.

    • i appreciate the difference you make between ‘self-awareness’ vs ‘self-analysis’. a bit of reflection, focus on self-improvement, learning lessons? no worries. but endless rounds of self-analysis are counter-productive. and annoy the fuck out of everyone who has to listen to it!

      love your current post, by the way! it’s pretty brilliant! wish you had time to write more, but i gather that life is good for you these days…

  8. I love this, and I loved reading that over on Annie’s blog the other day. I read it aloud to my husband (isn’t it funny how partners get dragged into this blogging thing whether they like it or not?!)

    Happy effing new year to you!

    • i talk to my dog. and the cat sometimes wakes up when i snort over something i read… it’s a fabulous quote. makes me wish i’d met the guy. Wishing you all the best in mother-effin’ 2012!

  9. i teased manuel about the 40, the baby lol
    at 30 i stopped caring about alot of things and as i approached 40 i stopped caring even more..by the time 40 hit i was divorced and moving out of anything negitive, now i’m 50+ i’m friggin’ dangerous, don’t ask me my opinion i will give it to you freely with illistrations =)
    happy new year to one and all, stop sweating the stuff you can’t do anything about,just suck it up and get on with it.

    • btw missy, i’m looking at the awesome pink dive suit pic and the only fat i can see is boob and isn’t boob supposed to be fat? its a fantastic picture

      • … I will give it to you freely with illustrations!

        I LOVE IT! My thing is hand gestures…. although if there is a whiteboard, or a napkin, within reach, i’ll do the illustration thing, too.

        oh, i’m fat. according to the ol’ BMI, i’m technically obese. just need to get down to something healthier. and i will. again. seems i do it every year… (sigh)

  10. “… leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on”
    I think he must have been reading my mind!
    My give-a-shit what people think of me meter has always been off, but when I hit my 40’s?
    I think it completely disappeared! 🙂

    I love that picture of you Daisy – it’s so YOU!
    (it also reminds me of things that I want to accomplish!)
    You’re all kinds of awesome!

    Oh, and welcome to don’t give-a-fuck Forties Manuel! 🙂

    • it’s a cool pic. i couldnt decide if i should rotate it or not. underwater? it really doesn’t matter which way is sideways. and if it weren’t for the bubbles? up and down would be a bit confusing as well…

      it was a good year. even when it sucked. no complaints here. looking forward to what comes next – whatever the hell it is!

  11. That wetsuit is clearly for people who not only don’t give a fuck but will get in people’s faces about it. “Yeah, I’m wearing a Magic Eye puzzle wetsuit. So fucking what? I don’t give a fuck. I’m a bad motherfucker in a wetsuit, who the fuck are you? Not a bad motherfucker in a wetsuit, that’s who. Now step off my dick, I’m going in the water. What?” 40 is going to be awesome.

    • oh sweet blue baby jesus, this is why i need to marry you! or at least take you away for a glorious weekend of horrid behavior… or just take you out for a beer or two.

      for my next trip to the shooting range, i will memorize the biblical rant delivered by Mr. Samuel L. Jackson in “Pulp Fiction”.

      for my next dive trip? i’m going to memorize this as a monologue. because it fucking rocks….

  12. Miles on the clock? I’ve got more. Sassy attitude? You win that round, girl!
    I think I’ve done my give-a damn hitch. I still care, but I figure my endorphins are better spent on what’s left for me.
    About that party…DO IT! Consider it practice for #60. 🙂

    • “sassy”… i like that. usually i get “saucy”… or just “crazy bitchy”. but sassy it shall be…

      seriously thinking about a massive throw down party. will need an outdoor venue that will allow a live band and camping. at least that’s how i want to do it. reality check will likely move it indoors. but still with a live band….

    • 😉

      And if anyone had told me when i was in my 20’s that i’d be having this sort of sex when i was in my 40’s? i’d have said “Ewww!”. and then i’d have said “Cool!’

      life is good!

  13. AMEN! God, I hope I stop caring what people think of me soon. I catch myself, so that’s good, right? I really really commend you for getting there! Why should we care? WHO CARES? People are just other people.

    Oooh! And the sex is better too? YAY! 40! 40! 40!

    • “people are just other people”. and some of them are judgmental assholes! some of them are glorious, though, so i try to pay attention and sort them into piles… not literally, but that would be fun, too…

      as for the sex? something happened during my 40’s – well, in addition to my divorce – that just cut it all loose. here’s to the fabulous 50’s, too!

  14. Love the Tupac quote. I’ve noticed that the closer I get to 41 the faster I say “fuck it” to stuff. College is stressful, life can be stressful but I tend to go from OCD to fuck it a lot faster than in my younger days. I like the feeling of just letting it go. Makes me a happier, easier person to be around.
    I love that your sister acknowledged your very old loan. I wonder how heavily it’s been weighing on her mind over the last few years. I bet her heart and mind feel much lighter now that she took that first step, even if you insist that she not pay, it may be on her list of things to take care of.

    • letting go of the things we can’t really change is the key. oh, and as i got older? i think i realized that i really couldn’t change a fuck of a lot… just me.

      still not sure what triggered my sister. she has not been exactly destitute all these 20 years… it’s not the money. she just seems to want to make things right, and went out of her way to tell me she appreciated me. i’m really good with that – and would like to find a way to put the cash she returns to me into something that would be nice for her, too….

  15. We all have flies in our soup…. I love your take no prisoners attitude. And I am in the process of leaving a big bunch of shit on the floor and walking away. it is incredibly liberating. The most liberating part of it is realizing that really, there is NOTHING wrong with me. I am good, I am healthy, and I can walk tall and happy. Love ya, Daisy!

    • sometimes if there’s too much shit on the floor, a sweep is necessary. or just move. that’s pretty much how i ended up in the condo… leaving the pieces (good and bad) in my family home of 25 years was the only way to do it…

      Here’s to a happy new year at the havens!

    • the next time you get stateside, i’m taking you out for dinner! whenever it happens, it shall be in celebration of your 40th. will bring my own ‘rusty stabbing fork’…

  16. You are a different , but interesting person. Pretty real. I like your blog but, then that comes from a semi-professional vagrant. I’ll bet you don’t spend your day off giving religious tracts to your neighbors.

    • hi dan! thanks for stopping by – and i appreciate the kind words. not sure i understand the job title “semi-professional vagrant”, but it holds some degree of interest for me… retiring in just under 6 years… i’ll need business cards!

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