Spent some time with The Boy this weekend.  He came home to verify that i had, in fact, installed the prodigal pool table light.  And to kick my ass at 8-ball.

As we talked shit, i told him of a recent string of “home invasion” robberies.  Assholes break down the doors of elderly folks while they are home, pillage belongings, and then take the unnecessary and mega-assholic step of knocking the crap out of the elderly folks they are pillaging.

The Boy:  You might want to think about getting a security system here.

daisyfae:  i’ve got one.  The bat under my bed, and the 12″ blade in the nightstand.  Good enough.

The Boy:  I’m just saying, you may be underestimating crackheads.  And you said they’re targeting the elderly.

daisyfae:  i’m not that old!

The Boy:  No, but you live here in “God’s Waiting Room”, where the average age is pretty high…

daisyfae:  i’m just not afraid.  If some asshole comes into my bedroom, there is nothing i’d find more satisfying than crackin’ him upside the head with a bat!  i can even hear the sound it would make!  He’d never expect it – and never see it coming!

The Boy:  But what if you don’t knock him out after one hit?  Can you imagine how pissed off a crackhead is going to be if he gets popped with a bat?

daisyfae:  One hit?  Who said i was going to stop at one?  As soon as the motherfucker goes down, i’d keep wailing on him…  And the NRA could go fuck itself!  i don’t need a gun for home defense!  How would they like when the media starts pimping the news that a 50-year old woman defended herself against a crackhead with a wooden baseball bat?  What would that do to handgun sales?

The Boy:  I’m thinkin’ I should buy you a shotgun for Christmas…

image found here

30 thoughts on “Batty

  1. Crackhead or not, I think you could use your tongue as a lethal weapon. By the time you had told the little fester just what you thought of him he would either be a shrivelled puddle on the floor or out of there. A win either way.

    • the reality of these bastards doing the home invasions is that they’re evil brutes… not one group, but many. and i suspect words would be insufficient… but once i knock ’em down, then duct tape them to a chair? oh, i’ll have a few words for them.

  2. Like The Boy, I shall give you some advice. Aluminum baseball bats. Lighter to swing. Will give you a greater bat speed with a larger sweet spot. In other words, a more splattered crackhead.
    And instead of the crack of the bat sound, you’d get more of a hollow thunk sorta sound. I dunno. I just like that sound better than the usual wooden bat sound.

    • a few people have suggested aluminum as a better alternative… and that’s what i swing when i play softball. but there’s something about a real Louisville Slugger that entices me… either way, suspect i’d be cleaning a little brain off the drywall…

  3. ACK! i KNOW you’re brave and strong, sugar, but i think The Boy is right! get a security system installed and the signs posted as a visible deterrent. talk to the local cops about what they’re doing to protect the neighborhood and what can you do to be pro-active in your own defense. yeah, and if you’re serious about using it (and know how/learn how), a shotgun is very effective. messy, but a stopper. i may hate having to cook for only one person when the best chef in town is away, but i am serious about security! 😉 xoxoxoxo

    • most of the folks here have security systems, as did the prior owners of my place. i left the stickers on the windows, even though i don’t use the system. oh, and in theory, i have an alarm. he is large, brown and could potentially make some noise to scare someone off… if he wakes up in time!

  4. Crackheads tend to run off at the first sign of danger, the old and infirm they can handle, show ’em a Louisville slugger, a lead pipe (my favorite) or a machete (Mr. Bastard’s favorite) and they Usain Bolt down the street, personally i’d chase them down just for fun.

    • so if they heard me cocking the shotgun, i might not have a chance to blast them! all the more reason to stick with a bat. i’ve got a club in the door of my car… the Tonya Harding Brand Knee-Thwacker. Would love a chance to use that, too! (damn. i think i need to go look for some estrogen – STAT!)

    • Yeah… i’m partially blaming this on my hormonal shifts. And it makes me think that perhaps the most effective special operations force would be comprised entirely of menopausal women…

  5. I have a machete next to my bed … and frighteningly enough, I DID have to use it one night.
    It was while I was living out in the sticks in FL … some guy, clearly whacked out on some sort of drugs broke down my door and tried to come into my house.
    I had the boys locked in my room with the phone talking to the police.
    I chased the dumb-ass out of my house and as he was trying to run off in the fields, the police let loose the K9.
    The cops had to talk this crazy-ass mama into putting down the machete! lol

    No one tries to mess with me or my kids!

    Oh yeah, I have a baseball bat at the ready as well.
    They hurt like hell.

  6. I have a friend who recently moved from a very scary neighborhood to one much less so. There was no alarm at the old place (I was afraid to even park there), but there is at the new one. Her parents live with her and are obsessed with keeping the alarm on now. I don’t know how they even slept at the old place.

    • things would be quite different if i were truly scared. maybe i should be, but i’m not. if i lived somewhere where there was a pretty good statistical chance that i’d be a victim of crime? i’d probably take it more seriously… and a dog is generally a good idea wherever you live…

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