i woke up at 0500 this morning, wrapped around the pillows against the headboard of my bed. Feet wrapped in the wrought iron bars…
No. Not like that.
Turns out, a queen sized bed is not large enough for a lumpy, middle-aged* woman, a 90 pound dog and a 20 pound orange cat.
If memory serves me correctly, however, it was just fine when i shared my bed with my dog. Since my daughter moved out, Huey has joined us in the family bed… and somehow this “waking up wrapped in the headboard” thing has become a bit of a regular occurrence.
i suppose i could start playing a game called “The Incredible Flying Cat”, toss the furry bastard out and go back to sleep. But there’s something about cats that has always made me uncomfortable…
Perhaps i just need a few more fluffy pillows, and i can get used to it?
items available at The Onion Store…
* The Boy recently reminded me that referring to myself as “middle-aged” is a bit optimistic. “What? You think you’re really going to live to be a hundred years old?”
Trailer Park Refugee 
“Live forever or die trying.”
About those cats, we call it, “Launch Kitty”. The cats sleep on my wife’s side of the bed, for good reason.
“launch kitty”. i get that. i completely get that… they really DO land on their feet, right?
Not my problem. From the knees down is a “kitty-free zone”. Of course, it works about as well as the Nuclear-free zone at my school (I haven’t told them about the smoke detectors. Soon, soon…)
Ahhh… California. 🙂
As a pussy-man myself i just boot them around, they’re smart animals they figure out a nice warm place to crash after you settle in but you’re right, kittens and cats think of nothing but murder all day long.
he’ll start out between my feet, then start wedging upward until i find myself sprawled… and it happens when i’m sleeping… so my reflexes aren’t great… bastard….
It is amazing how much room a cat requires in a bed. And how sneaky they are at ensuring they acquire that space. Jazz is not above a little claw work. Jewel purrs and dribbles. If you find a solution which doesn’t involve bloodshed by any of the interested parties I would love to hear it.
he is sneaky. or cuddly, depending on how you look at it… no claw work until morning, when he gets very affectionate and wants to knit. on my face.
I feel tremendously obligated to Violet and will retain an uncomfortable position for hours for her convenience. Of course, I like it too. I love the feeling of my cat curled up in the crook of my legs. Not so keen on the occasional over-affection raspy licking of my head that she does though.
obviously, i like sleeping with my critters. i even bought linens that are least likely to show fur… there is a degree of ‘obligation’. we bring them home, we should spoil them a bit…
Very tricky, cats. Part of why I like them.
they are a bit sneaky… and stealthy, like ninjas! certainly added an element of surprise to the household when i got a kitty…
Parker Brown is the neatest cat in the world. He curls up in a tiny ball at the end of the bed, right on the edge
love the name “Parker Brown”. gotta love a cat that has his own last name…
20 pounds is a lot of orange cat! Asserting one’s self at 0500 is not easy.
he is a very large, very orange cat. fluffy, too! and yes, he does take advantage of me in my very sleepy state…
We have succumbed to The Daughter’s relentless pleading and am looking into getting a dog. It’s breaking my heart because I’ve always had cats, favor cats and would much rather get a cat. I’m badly outnumbered. I wish my house were a monarchy instead of a democracy.
you live in the ‘burbs. you need a dog. dogs and kids. you have to do this. you aren’t going to get any help from me, buddy…
You’re one of them. I should have known.
…and am looking into getting a dog?!?!
…and ARE looking into getting a dog. Good grief!
we all adore you DESPITE your typos… and i’m totally one of them. i love my cat, and appreciate all things about his ‘cat-ness’, but are a dog person. (there. feel better?)
Great thing about throwing cats is that they really do land on their feet. My dad once through his cat off the upstairs balcony into the backyard. The cat landed feet first in a pile of snow.
This experiment may happen. Although i’d just toss him off the bed. Underhand, of course…
Sporran is rather like Parker Brown. Geiger manages to get 90% of the bed, whichever position I/we take. And she’s solid. The Horizontal Rhumba is about the only thing that will evict her.:-)
Sporran and Geiger – more fabulous kitty names! And now that you mention it, there IS one thing that clears both critters out of the bed. In fact, they clear the entire room… Hmmm….
If we’re quick, we might be able to market this as Animal Training, or something!
🙂
i’ll do my part! 😀
I sleep with an ancient toy fox terrier under the covers and (most of the time) my two indoor cats on either side of me. It feels like I’m sleeping in a furry strait jacket. Sometimes I’ll wake in the middle of the night and find my Himalayan staring at me. Often my other cat will try to wake me up by licking my closed eyelids with his raspy tongue. Maybe I do need that strait jacket after all…
“furry straight jacket”
Yep. i got that goin’ on, too! the dog “spoons” me. He really does… i prefer when his head and butt are pointed away (when he forms a bit of a comma, actually). the cat gets between my feet, and eventually stretches out and shoves my feet toward the headboard…. never mind that i’ve been ‘thrashing’ at night, as the estrogen escapes my body…
I found this interesting bit about the history of straitjackets on Wikipedia:
(I particularly liked the last sentence.)
“A straitjacket is a garment shaped like a jacket with overlong sleeves and is typically used to restrain a person who may otherwise cause harm to themselves or others. Once the arms are inserted into the straitjacket’s sleeves, they are then crossed across the chest. The end of the sleeves are then tied to the back of the wearer, ensuring that the arms are kept close to the chest with as little movement as possible.
Although straitjacket is the most common spelling, strait-jacket is also frequently used, and in Scotland strait-waistcoat, which is generally deemed archaic. Straitjackets are also known as camisoles.
The straitjacket’s effectiveness as a restraint makes it of special interest in escapology. The straitjacket is also a staple prop in stage magic and is sometimes used in bondage games.
The negative connotations of the straitjacket as an instrument of torture come from the earlier Victorian era of medicine. Physical restraint was then extensively used both as treatment for mental illness and as a means of pacifying patients in understaffed asylums.
Due to the strength of the material, canvas or duck cloth is often used for making institutional straitjackets. However, leather or PVC is most often used for recreational or fashion wear.”
recreational straitjacket? but of course… and leather breathes so much better than PVC… *giggle*
It could be worse. You could wake up handcuffed to the bedposts while Kitty sits at the foot of the bed in thigh highs and a spiked choker and brandishing a friendly little whip. Huey doesn’t seem to be the ring leader, so probably not much help wagging his tail and panting and all.
So see? Count your lucky stars.
i think the cat is far too lazy to work that hard at anything, let alone fetish fashion! although it’s a pretty spectacular visual you’ve painted! yes… i’m lucky… i’ll leave it at that!
I started calling myself middle-aged at 25–maybe I shouldn’t be so pessimistic.
oh, i started at 30. that’s when i started Mid-Life with the official ™ “Sports Car” phase… which has now run its course… thankfully, as my reflexes aren’t what they used to be and fast vehicles are probably a bad idea.
When my mom comes to visit, it’s her, me and a cat in a double bed. Jealous?
“jealous”. yes. that’s the word i was looking for… only one cat?
Very funny..I like your style…not too catty…
spread the humor: chalrywalker.wordpress.com
Hi Charly – welcome to the park. Love your gravatar – but went to your site and it’s blocked by my anti-malware software. Will have to visit from work! (HA!)