It was a slow day at work – Veteran’s Day holiday tomorrow, so most people took a day off to get an even longer weekend.

Over coffee, i read a summary report from the Grand Jury, responsible for indicting a retired Penn State football coach, Jerry Sandusky, for the rape of eight children.

Eight.  Children.

As bad as this is, the final words of the report imply that this may be the tip of the iceberg.  “Victim 8’s identity is unknown.”

It is a tough read.  Graphic.  Legally precise language that shines a harsh klieg light on “findings of fact”.

Today?  The media is all over it.  Much outrage over the cover-up orchestrated by university officials.  Much outrage over the riot on campus last night, after students received word that their beloved Coach Joe Paterno had been fired.

But here’s the thing i cannot get my head around this evening…

A man walked into the locker room, and witnessed Sandusky performing anal rape on a 10-year-old boy.  And he walked out and called his father asking “What should I do?”

When one is being raped, one compelling thought is “let this be over!  FOR THE LOVE OF A NON-MERCIFUL GOD, LET THIS END NOW!”

That child may have heard the door open.  That child may have momentarily thought “It’s OVER! I’m safe!”

That child may have heard the door close again, as this man walked out…


On Tuesday of this week, i listened as someone i love very much told me about being raped as a 12-year -old boy.

About keeping it completely to himself for over 40 years because he was so ashamed.  Felt it was somehow his fault.  Didn’t want anyone to know and thought it would just go away… Despite the decades of nightmares, he wanted it to just have never happened.

As i stared at my computer screen this morning, thinking about the 10-year-old boy in the locker room, i couldn’t help but wonder if someone had been close by when my brother was being raped at 12.  If someone saw something that seemed wrong and just turned away from it…


There are moments when i am quite certain i could – under the right confluence of circumstance – kill with my bare hands.


There are times when i would like to renounce my status as an atheist.  There are people who should burn in hell, and i wouldn’t mind being a witness.

38 thoughts on “Rage

  1. My mind swings off on many other pathways…what sort of upbringing did the witness to rape have that he needed to ask his father ‘s advice?

    Yes, there are people, an almost sub-human breed, who deserve to be consigned to a far circle of hell.

    Many people(who clearly have never had anything to do with such victims) say:”Why wait all this time before reporting it?” Well, I can tell you, first-hand, that they would have been met with a “you must have led him on” response. Yes. From family, police, church. teachers…many were never believed.

    How do I know? I worked with people who finally did make the break from abusive situations.

    If I’d walked into that locker room? I sure as shootin’ would not have had to phone someone to ask what to do!

    • it’s impossible to know how we would react in such a situation. speculation, unless we are really there. but i like to think i’d have made some noise, slammed some lockers, or done something to make it stop…

      • Hard to know how to react, perhaps, but to fail to react at all? The sin of negligence is a grave one indeed. I’m astounded that students rioted in support of a man who did nothing.

      • the fired coach did the bare minimum required. he notified someone else. what gets me about him, though? as a leader, the most powerful words can be “not on my watch”. i carry responsibility for what goes on in my professional world. when i was a coach? same deal – even though it was a little kids recreational league. how could he not follow up? how could he not make sure this guy was fired? punished?

  2. I am not a violent person. This heinous and senseless crime tops the list. I will join in, with bare hands, in sending him to hell. And will make sure it’s slow and painful.

  3. Here in the middle of the shit storm i can only shake my head, Mike McQueary, the man who had to call his daddy, was 28 years old at the time and roughly 6’4 and 230lbs, an ex-starting qb for Penn State, he’s a fucking coward, he valued his career over that kid’s life, how fucked up is that?

    and on a lighter note Ms. Daisy, i give you this konogulf.blogspot.com.

    • in reading that report, it was clear that this guy wasn’t particularly sneaky about all this. others HAD to suspect. even on the SUSPICSION of kids being violated, i can’t believe that no one took stronger action…

    • sorry, synchy…. me too. as my brother works through his historical demons, i don’t know if the noisy, national conversation is going to help or not. i hope it helps. i really hope it helps…

      • That’s ok. I hardly ever watch the news or read the papers because I tend to get furious and/or tearful. I have a friend who in his fifties confronted his family with the sexual abuse he suffered as a child from a by then deceased member of their family. It was a brave and difficult thing to do. Once he stepped forward so did his siblings with their own stories of abuse from the same man. In this case his speaking out prompted a whole lot of healing for my dear gentle friend and his family but I understand why so many people never speak up.

      • glad that your friend was able to take that difficult step – and that others were inspired to share their history as well. and that there was healing… and i remain hopeful that my brother can find the same result.

  4. This is a heart hurting post. In my time at Lifeline I have talked to many people of both sexes who had been raped. The majority of them hadn’t reported it, and some of the ones who had reported it, had felt on trial themselves. I cannot however understand how anyone can close the door on the rape of a child. In many senses as guilty as the rapist.

    • i admire your ability to support Lifeline. this past week, i’ve spent time – as a friend and sibling – listening as some very dark things were shared… to voluntarily take on the stories of strangers, reaching out by phone, for help…. that is a good thing to do, EC…. a very good thing.

  5. Freakin’ disgusting if you ask me.

    And all of these college students rioting over the firing of Joe Paterno scares me quite a bit ’cause these idiots are our leaders of tomorrow.

  6. Surely, surely, surely, once you have children, the overriding, the primal, instinct is to prevent them against harm. He must have lost his amygdala. And how is that poor child going to decades into the future if he knows that even his father won’t protect him?

    I am the most peace-loving person, but if I saw anyone doing anything even a long long way short of raping, my daughters I would simply, with an much violence as possible, damage him in as serious a way as I could using whatever was to hand.

    • i really hate to speculate as to what i would have done — i’m sure it was shocking, and may have stunned him… as it stands, the man who walked in has now been put on indefinite leave from the university. seems many share the opinion that this man failed AS A HUMAN BEING to do the RIGHT THING regarding the welfare of a child…

    • i’m trying to tear myself from it. it is hard not to think about these children. by definition, they were in the support program because they’d already been through tough times. to be violated so horribly by a person who professed to have their best interests in mind? what, indeed, is the proper punishment for the animal who did this… i have some choice suggestions. jail time seems inadequate…

  7. Have you read or seen the excellent “Mysterious Skin”? It’s about two young boys who are sexually abused by their baseball coach

    “The film received generally positive critical acclaim, with an 83% “fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Roger Ebert described the film as “at once the most harrowing and, strangely, the most touching film I have seen about child abuse”.
    According to psychologist Richard Gartner, the novel Mysterious Skin is an uncommonly accurate portrayal of the long-term effect of child sexual abuse on boys.”


  8. I don’t normally get caught up in these kind of news stories, For the most part the media over saturates us with information and their own opinions. However, the bile is in my throat on this one. This series of events is disgusting and horrific and has ruined many lives.
    The bubble of football life that creates this scene, put’s these coaches and staff on such a high level of regard that the rioters must believe it’s akin to jesus raping a young boy, they would never believe it in a million years. Well folks it’s now a million and one.

    • this one is bad, isn’t it? sadly, you know there are many horrid pedophiles out there… ones who never get caught. this is the most disgusting crime i can imagine…

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