Met up with an old friend for lunch today at her favorite restaurant, which happens to be near a very busy intersection across from a smelly and gigantic shopping mall.

As i hopped in the car and headed out, my brain started working through my ‘errand list’* – figuring out which stop i could make, while still getting back to work reasonably on time. Stopped at a traffic light, i noticed two young boys on bicycles across the intersection.

Ten year old boys, small bikes, riding in traffic, preparing to turn into the mall parking lot. “Jeeebus H. Hotwheels Christ! Who** would let a kid ride on this street?” As they rounded the corner into the mall, they headed directly toward a large flock of Canada Geese dropping poo in the driveway.

As i’ve mentioned before, these winged pests have become quite a nuisance in the region. Formerly endangered, they are protected under the Migratory Waterfowl Act, and are free to leave slimy minefields of goose turds wherever their tasty little goosehearts desire.

As you can tell, i’m not crazy about these particular critters.

The annual battle of “Man vs Goose” rages on at my place of work. Not only do we have decoy coyotes parked strategically outside the building, but there is a loudspeaker that blasts “Goose in Distress” calls about every 15-20 minutes, to deter the feathered fuckers from camping out in the area. Neither have been particularly effective….

Watching the boys ride into peril, mother hormones kicked in. i was afraid the kids would roll the bikes – or worse – stop in the middle of the road, and get clocked by the line of cars preparing to turn into the drive behind them.


What’s a ten-year old boy on a bike – staring at a gaggle of geese in the roadway – going to do? Ride faster, and directly toward the flock! The flying rats scattered onto the grass like buckshot within seconds. By the time the cars entered the driveway? Geese and boys were well out of the roadway.

Note to my management: Perhaps the best geese-deterrent we could deploy next year would be to augment the workforce with some ten-year olds on bicycles. Listening to the sounds of happy, bike-riding commandos would beat the hell out of listening to “goose in distress” all day long…

* One of the most frustrating things about working, and being single, is that there is no one share the errands. Since many errands must be handled during the same business hours i’m expected to have my ass at work, lunch hour is prime time for knocking out a run to the bank, or a visit to the insurance agent…

** i’ve recently learned that my own young spawn rode his bike along the same stretch. Somehow, he managed not to get hit… by either me, or traffic.

50 thoughts on “Goosed!

  1. So when you say “boys on bicycles” you mean there were boys sitting on a couch playing a bicycle video game, right?

    Huh… kids on bikes… whooda thunkit?

  2. I know a lot of 10 year old boys who would love that job! I hate geese. Any goose. Except to eat. There are geese at a park where I sometimes jog, and they’re friggin’ scary. They once bit my friend in his big belly. Maybe they were giving him a hint.

    • hell, I would love that job! i hate riding the path by the river, which is always covered with goose crap! they tend to come back to the same spots every year, so the problem gets worse… no real natural predators, other than cars and small boys. ugh…

  3. This is so cool. I have read that in Delaware and Maryland at the corporate headquarters the way they get the geese to move on is they hire trained border collies whose job is to keep the geese in the water. Since geese need to come to land to eat grass, if they can’t forage they move on. I suppose probably the geese that are plaguing you now may have moved to your area from Delaware and Maryland.

    Never underestimate the power of the 10 year old boy.

  4. Our local big supermarket plays recordings of hawk screeches outside near the front doors to deter small birds from nesting under the eaves. Every time I hear them I have flashbacks to Hitchcock’s “The Birds” and want to run for shelter. “They’ll go for your eyes!!!”

    I have the same motherly reaction when I see little kids doing reckless things. The Mother Gene never quits working once it’s been activated, I guess.

    • the ‘goose in distress’ calls didn’t really seem to keep the birds away from the building… which makes me wonder why they are still playing it over the loudspeakers…. maybe to keep US from nesting in the parking lot? and that mother gene is pretty powerful, isn’t it?

  5. We’ve got those damned geese where I live too. Obnoxious animals, covering the soccer fields with greasy dark green half-digested grass, and chasing the kids down. Airsoft guns seem to help.

    • squirt guns would work, too! hadn’t thought of that. although, harassing the geese once they’ve ‘nested’ is against the law (migratory bird act)… gotta get ’em before they get settled in!

  6. I have 3 boys who would LOVE LOVE LOVE that “job”!
    They range in age too …. 6,16 & 52.

    Not only do I have Geese, I also have the pleasure of a pair of Mallard ducks who think my pool is their personal pond.
    They keep the boys busy. =)

  7. I have several pictures of the geese nestled up to the decoy coyotes. The first year they used cutouts, which didn’t work because the geese apparently know that coyotes are three dimensional. These were replaced with 3D coyotes. Perhaps the geese like them because they provide some shade. I think I may just come up with a remote controlled coyote and see how the little fuckers like that. Sounds like endless hours of fun to me!

    • we have the ones with the fuzzy tails, on pivots (like wind socks). someone put a dog bowl beside one, put some dog food in it, and labeled the bowl “fluffy”… chasing them with RC cars? THAT would be a grand time! buzzing them with little RC helicopters? oh, yeah! i’m putting in that proposal to facilities next year!

      • It could be called “team building” or improving employee morale workshop. Sounds like a lot of fun. Don’t have the geese problem here in Sydney, you would love the cockatoos they act like 18yo boys on too much sugar

  8. Somehow, he managed not to get hit… by either me, or traffic.”

    I was waiting patiently for it ..and suddenly, there it was right at the bottom!! Daisyfae working her magic- again!

    • it took me 3 years to raise $100k for a skate park. it took 1 year to raise $400k for a theater. this proved to me that perhaps the only thing more annoying than theater people are skateboarders. i think you may be onto something….

  9. On the other hand, I have been floating on the river and come across geese nesting (in their proper habitat) on gravel bars. It was worth your life to get too close to their territory. I witnessed a gander capsize a solo canoe in the middle of a riffle once. Once the hapless canoeist was struggling in the water, the goose about flogged him to death beating his wings around his head and shoulders as he staggered about in the stiff current. Bikes are great equalizers. . .

    • on their turf? we need to give them plenty of distance in the spring when they are guarding their nests… i just don’t want to go sliding headlong through poo on my walk into the office every morning….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s