A series of messages exchanged with a friend today, helping pass the hours as we both slogged through work stuff. We kinda sorta almost briefly dated, but it quickly became clear that he likes small, attractive and normal women and i prefer men who are a little bitter, very twisted and somewhat broken we were both looking for different things.
We remained friends, and spent more than a few happy hours commiserating about our troubles with persons harbouring opposing genitalia.
Our conversations included a lot of questions, ball-busting and throwing of the bullshit flag as necessary. These kind of friends are invaluable. Having an honest broker, representing a completely different point of view, who questions “Why?” can do wonders for your thought processes if you are drilling down to the center of your beliefs.
Well, up until the point you want to slap him…
An attractive, intense and relatively conservative man, he spent a portion of his career in the cockpit of military jets as a weapons system officer. Fairly messy divorce, with the ex-wife moving his kids to the east coast. He left town a couple of years ago to get a job on out there, closer to his three teenaged children.
HotStuff: Hey, daisyfae! How goes it?
daisyfae: Life is good! How are things out east?
HotStuff: Pretty good! Building a house, closer to where the kids are. Haven’t missed the associated yard work for the past four years, so it will be an adjustment. How’s your collection of boy toys coming along? Do you have a complete set?
daisyfae: Entertaining, to say the least. Two new ones since we last talked. One? About 60 miles east, and the other lives about 60 miles south!
HotStuff: You don’t like those boys too close, do you? Same town does have advantages, though.
daisyfae: i get cranky when they get too close. They get all up in my bidness and want to actually get to know me… That’s when it stops being fun – for everyone involved. Geography is my friend! You still seeing that gal who works back here?
HotStuff: Yes. And we’re reaching a decision point soon. The distance is making it tough.
daisyfae: Committment is hard, but apparently can be worth the effort. So i’ve been told. i hope it works out for you!
HotStuff: Too bad I can’t wargame this…
daisyfae: You can flow chart it. Analysis of Alternatives. Eventually, you can at least identify the options you can’t live with, and perhaps a few paths that get you closer to where you want to be. But that relationship crap is smelly – people are the worst kind of unknowns.
HotStuff: You aren’t serious, are you? Flow charting won’t work with relationships. It just gives you an excuse to get out. It is only as good as your assumptions, so really all you end up doing is picking your answer and rationalizing it with science.
daisyfae: i usually just work through a range of “best case”, “worst case” and “probable case” scenarios. Until i get bored, or realize “Nah, i really don’t want to do that…” and quit. You’re right, though. It just provides pretense of logic.
HotStuff: Wargaming. That’s far more rigorous! Now, I just need to look up the parameters for a standard woman…
Trailer Park Refugee 
“But that relationship crap is smelly – people are the worst kind of unknowns.”
well put.
it’s a lot of work. my dog gives me the basics of a relationship – and the smelliest thing with him? picking up the poo when we go for walks.
wait…we guys have an ‘off’ position? i thought it was either ‘on’ or ‘standby for recharge’.
and ‘pretense of logic’ is probably sufficient for your hard-wired brain…as well as the best you can do to explain this.
i thought it was “on” and “really on”, but what do i know? pretense of logic comforts me. just like my other constructs that provide the appearance of control. like building a fort out of blankets and sofa cushions… i’m invisible in here.
Space is a wonderful and sadly undervalued thing. Particularly in a relationship. Including family.
agreed. i’ve often thought that a couple sharing two halves of a ‘double’ home – maybe with shared living space, and a bed with a ‘doggie door’ in the middle – would be ideal.
What Elephant’s Child said, in trumps. I like the switching diagram– there is a t-shirt out there that is quite similar. The front is labeled “How to please a woman” and is completely covered in fine print. The back is labeled “How to please a man” and says “Show up naked.”
i’ve seen the diagram before, but not the shirt! love it!
I want one!
I’ve said it before that I need much time alone. I’m lucky that my darling understands that.
yes you are! the key is probably communicating what you need, and that he respects it and is willing to give it to you!
You get cranky when they get too close; I get cranky when there’s no one near.
articulating what you need and want is really important. we’re all different. i’ve been surprised at the number of men in their 50’s who are looking for constant connection, and more closeness – but at least they can tell me what they need. and i tell them up front “this is not the droid you’re looking for”.
i’m still cheering for you to find someone who deserves your cuddles and brilliance – of course, in addition to the kitties!
What happens if I touch the red button?
someone’s gonna end up screaming?!?!?
you remind me so much of…me =) after sharing the same apartment with pookie for 6 years we’ve only just started accepting we may be dating…nahhh. two commitment phobes ignoring lables and just living a day at a time
i can’t rule out any future circumstances, but for now, this suits me. and i suspect that if it ever changed, it would be along the lines of ‘ignoring lablels’ as well…
Parameters for the standard woman, if he figures that out he’d be a billionaire.
or just figuring out how to convince corporate america he has figured it out… could make him some serious scratch.
There’s probably an app for this.
and i bet it costs more than $0.99…
“harbouring opposing genitalia” – nice phrase ……. and now I’m running the phrase “SPACE …… the funeral frontier” through my head for no apparent reason ….. oh well
suppose i could write a sci fi thriller of some sort based on this phrase. but that would be like, um… work, and i don’t do much of that these days.
“so really all you end up doing is picking your answer and rationalizing it with science.”
And this is a BAD thing?
It’s perfectly logical to me!
(yes, I too prefer the pretense of logic … it’s makes me feel all warm & fuzzy)
In my case, geography IS my friend.
Jack & I have been together for a few years now; he lives over 300 miles away.
It works for us.
People ARE the worst kind of unknowns … but that’s true whether it’s up the street or on the other side of the world.
i know that i am my own “man behind the curtain” (not to be confused, by the way, with the “man in the boat”). but right now, it’s what works. i really like my dog.
I am the most pathetic homebody ever. I just got back from a trip to Boston where I saw my parents and my brother and his kids, and it made me feel homesick. If I could, I would crawl up the colon of everyone I love. In my next life I’ll be one of those parasite eating birds that live on hippos. I’d like that.
Awww…. loving someone so much you’d crawl up their colon just to be that close? i don’t know whether i’m touched or frightened… but definitely amused! You should do stand up… write a book… or have your own cable show…
Next time I get out of a relationship, I’m going to end it WITH SCIENCE!
i think molotov cocktails are based on science.
I’ve had several roommates off and on over the years that were men, and strictly platonic. Well, sort of. One we actually tried to make it work because we seemed so perfectly suited to one another, and it seemed like everyone was pushing us in that direction. It seemed to make sense at the time: We lived very well together. We were both physically attracted to each other. We shared all the same friends, the same interests, and spent all our time doing things together. It was really working well till we tried to consummate the relationship. Ewww! I still feeling like bathing when I think about it. It felt the equivalent of trying to do a family member ((shudder)).
My rule of thumb is, if I don’t feel something magical when I kiss a man the first time, I don’t bother attempting another or letting it go any farther. Save your friendship. If it hasn’t happened already, it’s probably not supposed to.
welcome to the park, pissykittylitterbox! like you, i am RARELY confused about where things are going after one kiss. if it ain’t there at the kiss, i won’t waste time digging in any deeper!
Glad to visit your trailer park, there lady!
Not only the kiss! I won’t hang through a round of lousy sex the first time. If you ain’t smart enough to come with your A-game when you’re trying to impress me, I gotta figure it ain’t gonna get any better after we’re comfortable with each other. I literally have gotten up and said matter-of-fact “This isn’t working.” One I even told “Now is probably a good time to tell you that I want to break up.” Sex isn’t the most important thing if it’s good, but when it sucks and you dread it, it becomes the thing that preoccupies your thoughts. Life’s too damn short for that!
i understand. life is far too short to stare at the ceiling and wonder what color it should be painted… as you said before, knowing when to keep it ‘friends’ before that crucial exchange of body fluids is an important skill!