Bitez moi, Janvier

It has been noted that i seem a bit darker than usual.  There is a very good reason for that. 

i am.

Looking back, it started in November, with the likely prospect that Mom would be starting to ride the cancer coaster.  Surprisingly, we got a reprieve just before Christmas.

Getting the call from my cousin for the temporary use of my shoulder as she had to bury her husband a bit sooner than expected.  Glad i could be close by to help her.  That was just before Christmas.

My ex-father-in-law died in late December, too.  While not directly engaged with the death/funeral process, i listened as my children got their heads around the death of someone they knew and loved.  Talking about death.  Talking about life, and how to live it.

After a mini-holiday in warmer climate, i then started playing a game of “Stuck in a Fucking Airport – Extreme Sport Edition”.  First the refugee camp, then an unexpectedly pleasant evening with strangers, followed by last week’s “Snow Blow” on the east coast*. 

Then there was the round of “Dead Fucking Car” while looking at the multi-megabuck property tax bills, which are due in February.  No.  Not buying a new car.  The shit-mobile was successfully re-animated, but for how long? Will it last til summer?

But the mother-of-all-darkness?  The dead sixteen year old kid.  Time spent with his father, JB, as he grieved.  And continues to grieve and break down and cry at work and send e-mails exposing the darkest of the dark inside of his soul. 

Under no circumstances can i back away from  JB, just because i’ve had a few minor annoyances crop up.  But i am mad at myself – because i want to. 

Given the degree of pain this man is enduring, who the fuck am i to whine about a dead car?  He’s got a dead kid!  Being stuck in an airport?  Not on the same emotional Richter scale as losing your young son to suicide.

It was through an e-mail exchange with a brilliant friend that i gained some perspective – “It’s easier to forget about all the hungry homeless people when they don’t have their noses pressed up against the restaurant window.  Even when they do, it’s impossible to ignore the fly in your soup…”

So i’ll suck it up.  January can chomp my fucking shorts.  But as these things go, January wanted to get in the last word.  One more jab in my ribcage.  Another whack upside the head with a plank.

Leaving the gym on Monday (that would be the last day of January), i received a call from my niece, DQ.  Mom had gone in for a second opinion on the mass in her lung, and had another biopsy the previous week.  A skeptical surgeon didn’t believe the results of the first biopsy.  And it turns out that the skeptical surgeon was correct.

Mom will indeed be hitching a ride on the cancer coaster.  Welcome February.  Bring it…


* i was scheduled to fly to the east coast yesterday, but the mere thought of going into an airport with a storm lurking made me get all tweaky… and i cancelled the trip, and buried myself under the blankets at home yesterday to wait out the ice storm of the week.

50 thoughts on “Bitez moi, Janvier

  1. Oh, crap. Very sorry to hear that, Daisyfae. {{hugs}} That all sounds very hard and I don’t suppose it’s going to get any easier for awhile.

  2. Fuck. All I can offer are virtual hugs and shoulders. If you ever end up in Sydney Australia a large bottle of vodka is waiting.

  3. I decided early on in January (it was actually in December, methinks) that my official New Year would begin in February.

    So we write off Jan and welcome in a fresh start. Jump a jet and come play with me.

    Much love, xx

    • i think you’re on the right track. running away would do me some good. i might just have to eeek out a long weekend in march… here’s to February. Happy new year, baby doll! xoxo

  4. I told you before …. get thee to an Island …. SOON!
    Warm sunshine, cabana boys, rum ….

    I am very sorry to hear about your Mom.
    I have had more than enough of cancer … and it’s just not ending.

    • good plan. need to get on that, but right now, my only invite is to London. cold and gray there, but the company would be delightful! as to cancer? if you live long enough, you get it. it is now right up there with taxes and death as unavoidable.

  5. Aw, man. What a shit couple of months, eh? I can empathize, but certainly can’t feel what you feel. It sounds really stressful. I keep thinking of the tired cliche, when it rains it pours, but it sure seems to always go that way. I’ll be thinking of you and sending good vibes. If there’s truth to the power of prayer sent out into the universe, you should feel it any minute now.

    Hugs, girl. Hang in there.

  6. I had two very frail sickly old people say to me today “I wish I were dead”. Their quality of life is very poor and I just wished I could end their suffering. But no, we’re not allowed to do that.

    Don’t beat yourself up about JB. You just do what you have to do to get through each day, comfort him any way you can but don’t be his #1 go to person. You’ve got heavy trailer park stuff coming up.

    Are we having another holiday together this July? Dolce’s talking about Italy. Let’s plan something wonderful to get through these dark times xx

    • i will not walk away from JB. been trying to encourage him to reach out to other people, lean on some other folks at work as he makes the transition back, and he’s doing that… as for the trailer park? i know what my job is, and i’ve already begun — keep the family disfunction below mom’s radar level. after she’s gone, they can all go fuck themselves.

      holiday? yes. please. Italy. NYC. whatever can be managed…

  7. My auld Scottish grannie would say to my mother in tough times :
    Bear up lass bear up.
    I know it’s not much but when the shit storm of life is hitting you in the face, sometimes all you can do is bear up.
    I wish you all the best and fuck January anyway, it’s only good for Christmas bills and dead trees.
    Cheers, Sausage…

    • Your Scottish grannie was absolutely correct. i just keep thinking – ‘there are worse things’, but i’ve begun to ‘brace’ for them before they even hit, and it tends to wear the muscles and ligaments if you are always ‘braced’… Here’s to February. And a little sunshine.

  8. I got alot to say but i don’t know how to say it. I’ll go with the Nurse, only i might add keep your friend in mind, i know you’ll have alot on your plate with the moms and shit but the hardest part starts after everyone gets back to their own life and you’re left alone to think about all the shit, but i’ll shut up now, give moms a hug from you internet derelict. and give yourself one too.

    • i will absolutely not walk away from JB. seeing exactly what you mention – people are putting up distance because it’s painful to be with him, and hurts to think about, and no one REALLY wants to deal with it. i mostly feel guilty for even thinking about it.

      we’re going on a business trip together in a few weeks… hoping he brings the wife and kids for a change of scenery for all of them…

  9. Winter is a dark time not only because of the weather. Traditionally, due to lack of food stuffs and shelter, it is the time of year when people sicken and die.

    You have certainly had plenty on your plate lately.

    I for one, would suggest that the next time someone in your office plans a trip anywhere, you should discover that you have contracted the black plague and have to stay home under medication for the foreseeable future.

    and get your plans in the works for travels with nursemyra and dolce. Sounds like you ALL neeed it!

    • january is usually a pretty depressing month in the northern hemisphere. darkness is a bummer. each day is a little brighter, for a little longer, and february usually brings some forms of recovery… my next trip? georgia coast. should be lovely… hangin’ with the dawg boy posse always makes me laugh… and forget whatever ails me.

  10. Sorry to hear it. All of it. Be gentle with yourself. Some of us (not mentioning any names) feel like we should be able to bear up and motor on. But suckitude takes its toll, no matter how positive an attitude we bring to the party. Good thoughts your way.

    • been hunkered down at home for two entire days due to the ice storm. miraculously, did NOT lose power, so my 48 hours consisted of doing a helluva lot of nothin’. snuggled with the hound. wearing gamey jammies. and not leaving the house. it helps. back to work today… and that should help, too.

  11. Wow just when you think you can’t handle any more something else happens. I have been in your shoes and will never forget (1991) it was just one thing after another; only it lasted a full year. I have come to realize all of the problems taught me something-whether it ended up being a learning experience for myself or something I learned from the experience that allowed me to pass the knowledge along to someone else. You will look back and say “wow how did I ever make through Jan of 2011” Hang in there the black cloud will pass….best of luck to your mom.

    • Thanks, MT. i agree completely. the things that completely de-railed me a decade ago, can sometimes barely register on my ‘attention scope’ now – and that’s mostly because i’m reasonably good at learning something from dark times… You know the old saying: That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable!”

  12. Yeah, I wondered about that initial dx your mom got myself. Sorry to hear that she was not lucky.

    Darkness, though, is relative. And our own dominates until someone else’s makes us take a step back and compare.

    My Mom is doing the cancer scare thing right now. Lump. Meeting with a surgeon on Monday. My sis is so effin Buddha about it “she has it or she doesn’t and if she does – we deal”. I hate that. Mostly b/c she is right. What else is there but to deal?

    Suck it up, Buttercup, and I’ll join you.

    • Sorry to hear that your Mom is staring at it, too. Honestly, if any of my sibs went “Buddah’ on me? i’d probably die of heart failure… reminding myself that it’s ok to lose my shit from time to time, and to take that as a sign that i need to disconnect momentarily. but yeah. let’s suck it up. and blog about it until the pressure subsides!

  13. Your mom is incredibly lucky as she is 1)at home among family and 2)has you for a daughter. Far too many people get chucked into nursing homes and forgotten by uncaring family. I only hope that when my time comes I have family and friends making the final days as comfortable as possible. and that the same family and friends have a two day bender to celebrate after I’m gone.
    As far as the band goes, if you find one that needs an upright bass player you know who to call.
    Hang in there – we are all pulling for you – whatever the fuck THAT means…

    • welcome to ‘the park’! she’s fortunate that my niece is willing to have her camped in the living room of her home – over 18 months now. sadly, i’m not the ‘good’ daughter, as if it were me, she’d have had to move to an assisted living apartment… i wouldn’t forget her completely. i do think we’re going to ask her how she wants that party to go – when the time is right. she’s already written down a long list of instructions for her funeral. maybe i should just do the party my way?

      i’ll let you know about the band – WB really does kick it good! they’ve got an electric bass player for now, but he looks like he might be close to retirement, and may even have a weak heart. upright bass rocks fully… thanks for pulling on me. or for me. whatever the fuck THAT means! 😉

  14. I’m so sorry honey that you have to deal with this crap all at once. I don’t really know what else to say – people care about you and you’re never alone.

    • thanks, cutie pie! things may already be turning a corner… some good news today at the initial meeting with mom’s oncologist — this may be localied, and beatable with a bit of targeted radiation. we’ll know more later this week, but fingers crossed that it’s not as bad as we thought…

    • first meeting with oncologist yesterday was fairly promising… radiation ocologist on thursday morning, and we’ll know more then. but it seems to be non-metastatic, and the onco used the words ‘cure’ and ‘stereotactic radiation’ in the same sentence… cautious optimism. will update when i know more…

  15. My dad dropped it on me last month that he’s had terminal bone cancer for two years. No treatment. Doesn’t want any. Doesn’t expect to live out the rest of his rental insurance. *sigh* The Cancer train sucks. Having him shut me out–may or may not suck worse. I can’t decide if being right in the middle of it all is a blessing or a curse. Or if being on the outside is. Best wishes to you on your journey.

    • Sorry to hear about your father… Wow. While it may suck that he didn’t share the news, i would guess it was done out of love, and the desire to spare you the icky, stressful details… Based on the mtg with the radiology onco today? this probably won’t kill mom… but at 82, something surely will within the next few years… good luck on your journey as well….

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