First Monday of the new year, and i made it to the gym at my regular time. Definitely more crowded than usual, with a mixture of regulars, lapsed-regulars and newbies populating the facility.
Walking the elevated track with my workout buddy, we scouted for open elliptical machines on every pass – finally finding two open after about 10 minutes. Ideally, we try to work out side-by-side, making it easier to ogle any cute backsides jiggling trackside encourage each other. When it’s crowded, we split up – as we had to do today.
i got going on my machine, and about five minutes into it, an older gent i’ve never seen before approaches the older gent on the machine next to me… i’ve never seen the guy on the adjacent machine either.
Old Guy 1 [as he walks by the machines]: Happy New Year! Awful crowded here today… I’m going to try to find an open treadmill.
Old Guy 2: Don’t worry, they’ll all be gone in a couple of weeks.
As the first old guy walked on towards the treadmill row, i couldn’t help myself…
daisyfae [cheerfully]: i hope they all don’t disappear in two weeks! Here’s to healthier people in 2011!
Old Guy 2: I guess that would be good for you [looking at me sideways, implying that i’m a newbie]
daisyfae [still cheerful]: Oh, my name’s daisyfae – i’m here every day – i don’t recognize you! Been coming down here for the last 10 years or so…
Old Guy 2: Well I’ve been coming here for 47 years…
daisyfae [huge smile]: Wow! This place has only been open for about 10 – you were coming here before it was open! THAT’S dedication!
Old Guy 2: [replaces earphones and goes back to watching Fox News on monitor]
daisyfae [under her breath]: And i’m guessin’ i’ll still be coming here ten years after you’re dead, asshole.
From that point on, i assaulted that elliptical machine with renewed vigor! There is power in this ‘cheerfully obnoxious’ thing – i felt like i’d just scored a blow for all of the out of shape chubbies of the world who are genuinely trying to do better this year! Like a health club vigilante – delivering justice* to gym nazis!
As i approached the 30 minute mark – which is the maximum time allowed on the machines when others are waiting – i looked around for someone looking for an open machine. i was rewarded with the hopeful face of a woman who’d just arrived – someone i’d never seen before! i held up one finger and mouthed the words “One minute” and pointed to my machine – and was further rewarded with a relieved smile!
Grabbing a paper towel and the antibacterial juice to wipe down my machine before turning it over to her, i couldn’t help but notice that Old Guy 2 was still going on his machine – and had set his workout time for 60 minutes! As i turned my machine over to the newbie, i felt compelled to get in one last dig…
daisyfae [loud enough that Old Guy 2 could hear me over his headphones]: There’s a 30 minute limit on these, unless you’re special! [pointing at him] Maybe he bought** an elite membership or something….
Vengeance! Sometimes it’s pretty tasty when it’s served hot, too!
Image found here – and the Fat Fury is AWESOME! Fueled by lollipops! Hellz yeah!
* Better yet? Like Manuel the Waiter, wielding his Rusty Stabbing Fork of Justice at horrible customers who put brown sauce on well done steaks!
** Remember, it’s a free gym. You couldn’t pay for it if you tried…
Trailer Park Refugee 
what an asshat, sugar! but i am glad you got a few sweet words in that he could hear! xoxoxox
he was one of those entitled, arrogant retired executive prick types… not to stereotype, but that’s how he was behaving. it would have only been better if he’d fallen or something getting off of the machine…
We have a relatively new YMCA in our area where we have been members since last October. It’s located right between the high school and the middle school where our children attend, so it’s a perfect meet-up spot for all of us following after school activities. My wife is the diligent one, making her way there several times a week whether the kids need to be there or not, and doing her thing on the elliptical or treadmill or whatever contraption strikes her fancy. She’s inspiring . . .
Enjoy your workouts, and don’t let the asshats drag you down . . .
i belonged to the local YMCA for years – until they fell into such disrepair that the pool was no longer safe! sounds like your local one works for the clan – and “Go, Garcy!” i suspect that my uber-crabby demeanor may have a little something to do with hormones…. but i’d rather be taking it out on the nasty bastards than the newbies!
Hahaha! Nice job! What a weenie. Don’t they have gym police or someone you could report him to? After 47 years, you’d think he’d have learned the gym’s rules.
after bitching that there were no machines available due to the crowds, he IGNORES the GIANT SIGN in front of him that says “30 minute limit”…. i could have probably ratted him out, but i prefer snark than going to the authorities…
Oh my god! I haven’t thought of Fat Fury since before the old guy joined the gym! I’m definitely going to have to try to find some.
wish i could say that i’ve always known of Fat Fury, but just found him on the google image search for ‘fat super hero’…. was never much into comics, although as a chubby kid, had i found this lollipop-sucking do-gooder at an early age, i might have gotten very attached!
‘obnoxious cheefulness’….what a weapon! way to go daisyfae!
it takes a whole lot of surly to trump obnoxiously cheerful… on my way to world domination!
Fortyseven years. Maybe it just felt like that.
yeah… but 47 years ago, the guy made his first visit to a gym somewhere, perhaps around new year’s. i wanted to thump him with a yoga ball…
Maybe he meant he’d been jerking off in the parking lot for 47 years.
Kyk, you slay me
kyk – he’s certainly a jerk. kinda hoping i run into him again today! or better yet – in about 4 months, after he’s dropped down to once a week or less….
nm – he’s a funny pup, isn’t he?
I love attacking those bloody elliptical machines. Anger makes it much easier too 🙂
i always think of the song from “Hair” – “Floating in Space”…. sort of like i’m flying, but with sweatier pits….
Wow. At least there are still douchesicles for 2011. But… maybe after 47 years (37 of which the gym was only a twinkle in the Old Dude’s eye) of working out, they’ll keel over soon.
Happy New Year! I love the attitude of support for all those newbie gym-goers! I completely agree – here’s to a healthier 2011!
i have to admit, i wondered if i’d need to use my freshly acquired CPR skills…
Love your snappy comebacks! Usually I don’t think of those until two days after the encounter. You’re my hero, Daisyfae. 🙂
it was a good day… i’m often suffering the “Two Day Delayed Smart-Ass” syndrome…
Hey can I call on you the next time some creep stands and oogles me as I get busy on some machine or other? Or the next time some snotty little rich kid just swipes the machine when Aryn and I are OBVIOUSLY next in line? I know! I know! Come and get rid of the creepy guys in the sauna!!!! Ahhh! My life and workouts would be so much more pleasant without the creeps.
Hi Garsy – perhaps we should form a “League of Health Club Avengers”? sounds like you might want to start swinging a towel and yelling loudly – if they think you’re crazy? suspect they’ll leave you alone!
A whole world I know nothing about …….. *nibbles gingernut*
you really need to get out more, dear! and i’m sure Lo, TG would agree…
Daisyfae called me ‘dear’!!!!!!! ……… *swoons*
I hope you were wearing your red cape when all this injustice happened!
Absolutely! and my smelly workout gear – which gives me super powers!
**puts stabbing fork in the post** heh
thank you, sir. i am honored….
Ahhhhh ….. douchebagery NEVER goes out of style!
*sigh*
Well, at least you were able to knock him down a bit with your “cheerfully obnoxious” attitude!
Mind you, that is my favorite ‘weapon’ of choice!
Good all over you DaisyFae! 😀
it felt good. doesn’t really make the world a better place, though. i’d have to hit him and throw him in a dumpster for that to happen…
I got chewed out royal by some dick that was doing circuits when I inserted myself onto an empty machine. He stood glaring at me while I was doing whatever machine I was on, I pulled my ear buds out and asked if he had a question. That’s when the blasting began, that how dare I interrupt his circuit training and rant rant rant. I blinked my big blue eyes at him, wiped his spittle from my forehead, put my ear buds back in, cranked up Alice in Chains and continued with my workout. Asshat indeed!
yep. the flipside is the true ‘regulars’ who believe they own the place…. ‘bite me, circuit boy’… grrrr….
This is what I don’t miss about not going to the gym anymore. At least with krav maga if someone is annoying there’s a chance you’ll get to kick him in the nuts at some point. That is satisfying to no end.
i would thinkthat sets up a tough dynamic. one nut kick, leads to another nut kick, and pretty soon, there are bruised nuts everywhere…
Tee hee.. old people and Fox News.
I’m glad you put him in his place, though I wouldn’t have expected anything less!
i was in the right mood. in subsequent days? i just would have punched him…
i do want to be you when I grow up… 🙂
grow up? huh? does that mean i have to grow up? zoicks…. (and thanks!)
I remember now–that’s how I found you: Manuel the Waiter. But how did I find him? Petite Anglaise, perhaps? Oick! I better do MUCH more walking this year. Exercise is supposed to delay the forgetting.