Reading obituaries, i’ve been vexed by statements such as “…died unexpectedly at the age of 84”. Can you really die unexpectedly at that age?
Turns out, i now believe you can.
My cousin, S, lives an hour away. Her husband, R, had been battling some fairly serious heart ailments for the past few years, but was recently diagnosed with cancer and had just begun a regimen of chemotherapy. Due to his poor health, he had been admitted to a skilled nursing facility to allow 24 hour medical care.
This morning i got an e-mail from S: “R just passed away.” i had recently offered to do some “hospital duty” – sitting with R so that S could run errands, sleep, or do whatever she needed to do – and she’d said she’d take me up on it.
i gave her a call as soon as i got her e-mail this morning, and was on the road within about 15 minutes.
Not really knowing what she needed, i figured i’d wing it. When i arrived? She asked if i could go to the nursing home, and collect his belongings. She also wanted some support on the visit to the funeral home later in the afternoon to make arrangements.
S is my closest cousin, although we’ve not really been all that well-connected until recently. She was always a trail blazer in my mind – going off to university to become a chemist in the 1960’s. She had a solid career working in steel mills, later transitioning to software and other jobs. When i was a kid? She was a bit of a role model. Single Lady Scientist in the Big City*.
She met R at the steel mill. Twenty years older than S, they were together for about 25 years, married only for the last ten or so… No children together, R had four sons with his first wife. They have always been fairly active – with travel, bicycling, dog walking and family visits – right up until R encountered his latest round of medical fun.
About 18 months ago, S and i took lead in orchestrating a large “cousins reunion” in southern Kentucky. Logistically it was a success, but i was reminded that it’s not just our branch of Mom’s family tree that has issues. S is the eldest child of my Aunt Helen – a bitter, black hole of emotional darkness.
S is a strong woman. As a battle percolates amongst her siblings regarding the long-term care arrangements for Aunt Helen – who just suffered a heart attack, and now needs a permanent room in a nursing home – S now buries her husband. Listening to her today, i was blown away by her composure. But there were moments of non-linearity which is to be expected…
Sitting in the funeral home, waiting for the funeral director to return from gathering some additional bit of information, S sat in an overstuffed chair in his office, looking a little lost. She said “I knew it would be soon. I just didn’t expect it today.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* When i was 12? St. Louis was a big city!
So sorry. More good thoughts your way. I’m sure your cousin is glad for your company. Who wouldn’t be, really?
who wouldn’t be? ummmm…. my ex-husband would be at the top of the list…
ah death… it comes to us all… but most of us hope it’s tomorrow and not today. so sorry daisyfae, hugs to you and your cousin
my cousin is a cool cat, and she loved R very much. about 20 years in age difference, she said she always knew she’d have to say goodbye first…
My sympathies to your cousin and to you daisyfae. She’s lucky to have you nearby for support. Take care.
thanks. just trying to watch and listen and see what she needs…
That woman sounds like a gem and her husband can be happy he’s in good hands even in the uh, afterlife or whatever comes next, i guess we all know it’s coming we just hope it’s always a day away, shit did ijust quote Annie? Throw a good wake, preferably at a bar, that’s all anyone can ask for now innit?
i like the Monty Python reference as well.
you quoted “Annie”. That’s “Minus 5” Stud Points, buddy! Although you can still put your hand on my ass any time you want to!
oh, and another “Minus 5” for identifying the Monty Python reference…
Well… We never expect it “today”, do we?
It reminds me of the song in Mel Brook’s “The Twelve Chairs”: “Hope for the best, expect the worst.”
BTW, St. Louis is still a big city.
later in the afternoon she said, “better that he went in his sleep than one of those long, drawn out ‘death watches’ when he’s on life support…” Smart woman…
you’re a good kid, sister! i’ll be thinking of you both. xoxoxox
life. you get out what you put in… thanks much for the happy thoughts…
but that Spanish Inquisition is bound for us all. just a matter of how much torture will be involved.
S sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders and will make her way through this just fine… especially with cousins like you to support her.
there’s another high-functioning cousin in the wings… will have to write more about that later. i have just noticed that there’s one of us in each ‘clan’… funny how that happens…
You are a SAINT for reaching out. I never know what the proper thing is to do in those situations. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t classify this passing as completely unexpected.
no sainthood. i really like her. she was dealing with some ugly shit. i wanted to help. and yeah, when you’re in a nursing home for any reason, the odds go way up…
Like your cousin, I expect The King (chain-smoker) will die long before me. But I would still wake each morning at the end thinking “not today, not today.” Your cousin has been through it – I’m glad she had you to help her.
yeah. another reason why i’m not really going out of my way to pair up with a ‘one and only’… i completely lose my shit when a dog dies. i’m not sure how i’d manage if i lost a partner…
Believe me, this is a subject that is on my mind far too much. Every morning when Jim leaves for work, I think about all the semi trucks that he has to share that highway with. It scares me.
at the same time, life lived in a bunker isn’t always much of a life. i’ll take on a little danger… but i understand that fear every single time my kids get in a car, get on a plane, or in he case of The Boy, hang out with friends…
You’re a really nice cousin. I’m a nice friend, but a crappy cousin. You were so nice to be there for her. It’s really hard and lonely to deal with the death of a loved one. Been there and hated it. I really felt better with the support of my friends and family. What you did really meant a lot.
odd thing? we’ve never been close – better connected over the past few years due to facebook and a few visits. but some of this is me projecting ahead to my future as a single 60-something woman. there are going to be shitty things facing me, and i will face them solo. maybe i was just paying it forward a bit, too…
I wonder if it would be worse to expect it ‘today’? Or if it is better not knowing…
Either way is unimaginable hurt I guess…..
good question. unless there is a lot of pain and suffering, ‘today’ probably isn’t on the wish list…
I’m sorry for your loss and your cousin’s loss.
I have never understood the reason people read the obits. Well, other than burglars, I don’t know why someone would read the obits.
I would think that if you know the person and that you’re life is affected by the person, then you’d probably know about the passing before it gets posted in the paper.
By reading the obits, it just seems like boasting. “Yup, outlived this guy. Outlived that woman.”
i’ve been living in this city for 30 years, and along the way have met – and later lost contact – with dozens of people. a quick glance through the obits may give me insight as to why so-and-so didn’t show up at the christmas party, or missed the summer pigroast… not boasting. just situational awareness…
Technically, death should never be unexpected b/c we weren’t built very well. But humans are such polly-anna’s and live in total denial that this whole thing can only really end one way.
The first days and weeks are actually quite calm, as I remember it. There is a lot to do and people around. It’s later, when the fuss is over and the house is empty and the phone stops ringing that all the composure in the world is pretty useless.
Good for you though to charge in on the white horse and stay. So many people wouldn’t/don’t.
I am sorry for your loss and for hers.
thanks for the insight. S did seem to be a bit numb underneath the composure. she has his son and daughter-in-law staying with her for a couple days to assist, and her neighbors have been very good at coordinating meals (not everyone dumping piles of food at the same time).
i’m thinking that in about a month, i’ll check in with her to see if she wants to think about going on a weekend trip with me in the spring… she used to love travel, and hasn’t been able to do much for a few years due to R’s health…
So sorry to hear the news. I hope your cousin is doing well, all things considered. Big hugs to you.
She’s doing well! Memorial service yesterday, and we’re planning to get together in a few weeks to see what she might need in the months ahead. i’m thinkin’ roadtrip! she loves travel, and hasn’t done much for the past few years due to his health…
The editorial assistants at the newspaper I work for are charged with writing up the obits. They are fond of saying “died suddenly.” This just in: All deaths are sudden. One day you’re alive, and the next not so much.
Condolences to your cousin …
sadly, not all deaths are that sudden… technically? we start dying the day we’re born. but those lingering, drawn out ‘death watch’ things, the ones that go for months? agonizingly forever, it seems…
Even when you expect it it’s always a surprise, I think. Always.