What dreams may come

She’s probably really scared.  And for good reason.

Following Mom’s recent trip to the doc, there were some anomalies in the chest x-ray. Which led to a 3D CT scan on Wednesday. Even though she’s feeling better – far less miserable than she was when i talked to her last Sunday night – she’s now being subjected to a whole lot of testing.

With the results from the CT scan shipped to Mom’s pulmonary doc, he didn’t waste any time scheduling the next round of tests. That’d be a PET scan on Monday.

My niece, DQ, is staying pretty level through all of this – she really is good when the shit hits the fan. It’s when things are going well that her priorities are often out of alignment with mine. But when she called today to let me know that the results of the PET scan will be delivered to Mom on Wednesday – the day before Thanksgiving – i was pretty sure she wanted me to say “i’ll be there”.

And i will.

Mom’s maintaining a good front – talking about the possibility that it’s just a nodule or something. But she knows better. Smoking for 65 years doesn’t leave much room for denying the probability of lung cancer.

Didn’t sleep much last night. Endless games of “what if” and virtual flow-charting in my head. Funny thing? We know how it ends. The same way it ends for all of us. And regardless of what the doctor tells us next week? We still need to focus on the “path” Mom takes, or is subjected to…

But it ain’t over til there’s a diagnosis…  Very important not to jump the gun.

44 thoughts on “What dreams may come

  1. It would be a nice pleasant surprise if all individuals were as level headed with life/end of life situations. There is no escape, but I do fantasize about living for a couple hundred years, just so I’d have enough time to go and experience all the things I want to…yeah call me selfish, I can take it.

    Yours is not a fun road right now, that’s all I want to say. Oh and get some wine, your gonna need it.

    • i’m often amused to read in the newspaper obituaries where someone died ‘unexpectedly’ at the age of 90. i don’t think that’s really possible… comfort and dignity. that’s where we stand and fight at this point.

  2. A PET scan? So they’re done looking for CATs and now they’re just looking for random domestic animals? What the hell did your mom eat?
    P.S. I’ll be happy to sign your medical marijuana petition.

  3. Jeez Dais. I’m sorry. Wish i could be there to just give you a hug and drink some beer and giggle about stoopid stuff for half an hour before life filters back in again.

    But you’ll have to settle for virtual *hugz*

    • i’m not so sure… i can look out for her, keep the family from imploding around her – temporarily – but the bottom line is that i don’t really like her much. (sigh)

      • I came to a similar realization about my mother several years ago, and yes, it’s a difficult thing to face up to. But I take comfort in knowing that, much like you, I’m doing the best I can for her despite that knowledge. It ain’t easy…

      • one of the main reasons i’m out here is to come to direct terms with my parental relationships. it’s not really that i don’t like her, it’s something different – completely differing value system maybe? hard to face up to, though. but we do. and we get on with it.

  4. Dear, dear Daise — of course it would be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, woudn’t it?

    I think TexasTrailerParkTrash said it best — your Mom has one awesome daughter. And I’m thinking her life has been fuller than most. Your sense of thinking about the path is the right sense, I feel. Hang tough.

    • Thanks, blais! Mom loves the holidays – always has unreasonable expectations that it’ll be just like it was when we were small children, and therefore, is always disappointed when it’s done. In a way, this will certainly keep her mind off THAT part of her holiday blues…

      and i’m not a good daughter. i do what i do because i promised my dad i would do it. not because i want to. somehow? that makes it different…

  5. That last sentence is so true. I know the meaning far to well just now. Got the word late Friday night that my youngest brother has a tumor the size of a golf ball in his brain.

    Surgery on Tuesday.

    So, like you I find myself in wait and see plus hope for the best mode.

    Good thoughts for us both.


  6. I’m also supporting the medical marijuana for the extended family (with the added clause of dropping the ‘medical’ part)
    Big love to yr mamma, I bet she is as tough as you and just tells any unwelcome cells to get the fuck out!

  7. You know, my 85-year-old mother has had exactly 2 minor surgeries (not counting birthing four children.) I’d had 2 surgeries by the time I was 6. But she’s slowing down. Husband’s parents are in their 80s as well. I know that one year soon we’re going to do nothing but go to funerals.

    • That’s pretty impressive that your Mom has avoided major surgery for 85 years! Reality (and biology) says that you’re correct – the day is coming when they will be gone. Here’s to them getting there with minimal suffering and maximum dignity. And no regrets.

  8. What about medical marijuana for the readers of the extended family’s blog?

    This blows, Daisyfae. But it sounds as if you’re keeping everything in perspective, which doesn’t surprise me in the least.

    • i’ll see what i can do. maybe start a blog in “odorama”, where you can all huff fumes as i get baked? i’m pretty numb without chemical assistance, though… have a hard time getting worked up about much of anything these days. why get all bet up about cancer? not a fuck of a lot you can do about it….

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