Blindness and Sight

When the zombie apocalypse comes, and i lose my glasses, it’s all over. i’ll succumb to the walking dead before the first wave is over… You’ll be able to spot me because i’ll be the zombie walking into walls.

i’m virtually blind without corrective lenses.

Before anyone asks, or wants to get into an “I’m blinder than you are” discussion, i don’t know what my fucking prescription is. Just that i’ve never lost the bar game of “glasses passing”. i always win the “Whoa, you really ARE fucking blind” discussion after other folks try on my glasses.

Without really giving it much thought, i always figured that someday my nearsightedness would offset my old eyeball problems that make reading difficult.  That there would be a magic week where i’d be able to see perfectly. 

Nope.  Apparently it doesn’t work that way.  i was being constantly teased by friends and colleagues for my method of pulling my blackberry up to my nose in order to see the text on the screen.  It seems i appear to be deeply cross-eyed when i do this.  Bunch of freakin’ smartasses, they are…

It was a random comment Mom made on one of her recent visits that reminded me i may want to look into corrective surgery.  As she bemoaned the loss of her ability to read, she said “Just goes to show you that it doesn’t matter what your plans are for retirement.  Your body is going to give out on you”.  

i inherited horrible eyesight from both parents, so i’m well down the road to fucked in this regard.  But since i’m a big wuss when it comes to people cutting on my eyeballs, i’ve been reluctant to get an assessment on the ol’ eyeball correction process.

That was before i dropped some serious cash buying two pairs of new eyeglasses – finally giving into the ‘no line bifocals’ that have been necessary for the past five years.  The cost of the surgery is starting to look far more reasonable.  Two more lens updates, and i could either buy surgery or a new car.

With the collection of hobbies still growing, this could become even more of an issue.  When i SCUBA dive, i wear contact lenses, and had to put “reading” lenses in the bottom of my dive mask so i can read my gauges.  if a lens slips off during a dive?  Time to call off the dive and surface.  Knowing your depth, and how much air you have left is fairly important when you’re underwater…

Motorcycling?  Full helmet, with face mask, means wearing glasses is a pain, so it’s contacts there, too…  A snug helmet means the ear pieces grab, and should i choose to turn my head while riding?  The glasses torque.  That leaves me the choice of torqued glasses or not turning my head.  Neither is probably a good option.

With two fresh pairs of glasses, both with bifocal lenses, and a full supply of contact lenses, i should be able to manage for a while.  But we’re overdue for a good zombie virus, and i’m thinkin’ i need to find a better solution….


44 thoughts on “Blindness and Sight

  1. I had lasik. Best thing I’ve ever done, tied with having my kid. Alright, kid actually wins, but OMFG. If you have horrible vision (like I did and you do) it is a life changing experience. 30 seconds of terror for a life free of dependency on something you can lose or break by sitting on it.
    Seriously – GO FOR IT.

  2. You’ll be a wuss as a zombie – you already have your quota of brainzzzzzz. I’m a lightweight when it comes to visual correction. What is strange is that my right eye needs a prescription double that of my left eye! As it was with my mother and her father. Heredity can act in strange ways.

    • after what i just spent on presciption glasses, sunglasses (each with no line bifocals) and a years supply of contact lenses? lasik is becoming FAR more affordable. i usually only update the lenses ever 2 years, but my eyesight seems to get worse at a faster rate every year…. grrr….

  3. Same problem here but not a candidate for lasik. Cornea’s too thin. I’ll just have to suffer an early death in the zombie ‘pocalypse.

    Seems to me that you can get prescription lenses made for dive masks. Maybe that’s an answer for you? Won’t help with the motorcycle helmet though. Why don’t you go for one of those non-wraparound helmets? If you do, you might want to use hearing protection, from what I’ve heard.

    Growing old is a pain in the ass, but it beats the alternative.

    • my sister had that problem, and wasn’t a candidate either. i considered the prescription lens solution for the dive mask, but given the rate of change of my eyes (first derivative?) and the cost of the lenses, and the fact that i have been considering the lasik solution, i decided to wait.

      full face mask is the only safe option. the half helmets are called “brain buckets” for a reason. minor crashes become major when you smash chin-first onto the pavement.

      and yeah. i’ll whine a little bit, but do not wish to explore the alternative option just yet!

  4. I’m gonna say, this is one you need to bite the bullet on, and just go for it. I have never met anyone who didn’t LOVE the results and wish they’d done it sooner. So, be brave, Grasshopper Easy Rider. Let us know when to send “get well” wishes. 😉

    • probably at least get the consultation in about a year. may wait til i’m 50 to do it, though… i don’t know why. it’s a round number. all the folks i know who had it done love the results, too…

  5. How long does LASIK last for? Because I don’t want to get it and then my eyesight goes to shit in another decade. Also, I thought I read something where you’re not supposed to do contact sports after LASIK that involve getting hit in the face, ’cause I love full contact sparring too much.

    • that’s part of the reason i’m waiting. my eyesight will continue to degrade, and i’ll still have to wear reading glasses. in time, i’d be back to degraded eyesight and bifocals again. just FAR lower correction required.

      i don’t know because i’m too lazy to google it this morning, but have heard the same thing about contact sports. not a real issue for me, but i do wonder about scuba. seems the pressure of diving could make your eyeballs pop or something…

  6. I’m all about the LASIK. I can’t see shit up close now, but that’s not (usually) where glasses drive me crazy. They were able to correct my astigmatism, which was practically the best part. There is a limit on how much correction they can do, but they can do a lot. The contact sports thing is mostly urban myth, but boxing might be something they recommend against, at least for the first year or so.

    • i’m thinking it’s only a question of ‘when’ if i’m eligible… reading glasses aren’t that bad. it’s that it gets in the way of the ‘living’ part that pisses me off. well, that and the threat of zombie apocalypse!

  7. I’d LOVE to get Lasik but the problem is that I’m a big PUSSY and am afraid. It’s 99% save but I’m convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that I’d be the 1% who spends the rest of their lives seeing headlights with big star bursts in them.

    • i watched on a television monitor while my mother had her cataract surgery – and i about passed out when the doc asked her a question, and she responded. she was AWAKE…. aaaaargh! it’s gotten to be a fairly low risk/low complication procedure. i’m just a pussy on the actual cutting part…

    • or i’d be attacking mannequins in deserted stores…. i realize i’d be a zombie, and wouldn’t care, but if the other zombies made fun of me, i think it might hurt a little bit…

  8. I thought Zombies used their arms to navigate…they just eat eyeballs.
    Had my share of ‘eye’ issue, but I shan’t bore you with them, still can’t see so well.

    • Me too. All the zombies I’ve ever met have felt their way around. That’s the excuse, anyway?

      This apocalypse – is it expected anytime soon? Just that I won’t bother buying any new jeans if they’re just going to get ruined straight away.

      • jon – i hear there’s been a global shortage of cotton, so you either want to buy them soon, or wait a few years anyway. and no one really knows when it will happen. i just like to be prepared…

  9. Maybe you could learn how to smell zombies and avoid them by their stench.

    My husband is a lasik surgeon. He’s not one of those nutty assembly line crackpots, either. (Don’t go to them whatever you do.) He’s a cornea trained guy, and is really great. Here’s my vote – come up and visit Altmanland, he’ll examine you and see if you’re a candidate, and then we go out drinking. I think you want to get it done by someone near you, though, so you get good follow up. Plus, Altmanland is so hideous, that it will make you really appreciate your life.

    • i may take you up on that consultation… and look for a local referral. it’ll be a year or so, but i tend to be pretty funny about how i approach surgeries, elective and otherwise. shit, i even got a second opinion before letting a vet cut a benign growth out of my dog (ended up not doing surgery)…

  10. When i see how much glasses cost i’m so happy my eyes are still kicking ass… of course i have had more root canals than i can count but at least they give you painkillers for those, i’m not sure the eye doc is handing out class A’s.

    Of course i’d like to wear fake glasses just to make me look smarter instead i just look like a f#cking idiot.

  11. absolutely go bionic. while you’re at it, figure out what else can go bionic. just make sure you have plenty of batteries for all the bionic parts. wouldn’t want any of them having a power loss…

  12. At the risk of commenting when nobody cares any more, and not following the subject exactly, I just had the first of two cataract surgeries 6 days ago, and OMG, I’m 17 again. Don’t know if I’ve EVER had such good vision (20/15) in my ol’ right eye. Leftie coming up 11/18, and I can’t wait. Had them put in a lens that corrects astygmatism, too. So when you all get old and feeble and they tell you you might need cataract surgery, just do it. Don’t even think about it. Goodbye glasses, hello skiing even in flat light, snow and sleety conditions, etc etc. It’s a little weird now, with one good eye and one screwed one, but that too shall pass. Might need reading glasses, might not. I hear they have 3-packs at Costco. WooHoo!

    • UtahDad, i ALWAYS wanna know what you have to say! You put up with my sorry ass for a week on the slopes, and i remaiin eternally grateful! i hope this means you’re planning more time on the mountain this winter? Wheee! i’m going to nutup and hit the local hills as soon as it’s cold enough for fake snow…

  13. I’m on-board with Lasik until they start talking about peeling back your cornea. *Shiver.* Also, my glasses make me look ever so slightly like Tina Fey. Although I wore plastic frames before she did, so technically Tina Fey looks like me. Except she and I really look nothing alike, save for the glasses. In conclusion, Tina Fey and I are soul mates.

      • That “peeling back the cornea” is some seriously scary shit but really, it’s only 30 seconds worth. The hard part is making yourself do it for the second eye. Shiver. But … then it’s over in record time and you can see!

      • i’m going to have to nut up and get the evaluation. probably next january/february… once the glasses/contacts i’ve just spent a gazillion dollars on are no longer useful…

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