Snake Tales

Although the rubber spider infestation in my home has become more manageable, my daughter’s boyfriend, ZZ, still likes to exploit my sheer hatred of spiders.  The last one?  He threw a piece of pocket lint at me after he’d mashed a big spider in the bathroom, making me think he was tossing the corpse on me.

Not pleasant.  And although it happened a couple months ago, not forgotten.

My biking buddy, Studly McRocklegs, was aware of the on-going arachnid warfare.  He also knew of my plan to exploit ZZ’s weakness – a fear of snakes.  When Studly came across a freshly crunched garter snake* on a Sunday bike ride, he dumped his water bottle and collected the foot-long specimen for me…

Studly delivered the dead snake, and i arranged it neatly near the drain in the downstairs bathtub, keeping the shower curtain open enough that ZZ would notice it whenever he went in to use the toilet.  Giggling with anticipation and childish glee, Studly and i waited upstairs – hoping to hear the scream, the yelp, the hollering… Awaiting ZZ stomping up the steps indignantly saying “Yeah, yeah… You got me!”

After about an hour, ZZ and The Boy headed out to move some furniture for ZZ’s brother.  i snuck downstairs to check on the snake – and was surprised to find the bathtub empty!  “Whaaaat?”

The Girl [surly, annoyed monotone]:  Yeah.  He found it.  Very funny, Mom.  He thought it was fake, picked it up and threw it at me.  Hit me in the legs.  I yelled at him for it.  Jesus.  That really wasn’t funny…

daisyfae:  Where is it?  Where did you put it?

The Girl:  You’ll find it eventually… I’m not at liberty to tell you.

daisyfae:  SHIT!  i gotta make sure that it won’t start to smell.  That the cat doesn’t get it and eat it… or drag it to your bed as a present.

The Girl:  It’s not somewhere the cat can get it…

With a bit more badgering, she was able to give me enough clues to track it down – the stunt snake was nicely arranged on the floorboard of my car.  Needless to say, i left it…

The following Monday afternoon, ZZ caught me as i came home from work…

ZZ:  I wanted to apologize to you for this morning.

daisyfae:  What?  What happened this morning?

ZZ:  Your car?  The snake?

daisyfae:  What the fuck are you talking about?  The Camry?  Huh?

We both went to the garage, where i pulled open the car door, revealing the empty floorboard.

ZZ:  It was right there! [looking under seat] It was dead!

daisyfae:  Yep. It was right there this morning.  And Mr. Snake is prepared for another round.

ZZ:  I checked my car this morning!  I thought you’d put it in my car…

daisyfae:  That would have been pretty obvious… Oh, he’ll turn up again.  With the cooler weather outside, he’ll keep a long time.

ZZ:  You threw him in the dumpster, didn’t you?

daisyfae:  Yes.  That’s what i did…  That’s exactly what i did….

And the games continue…

* Garter snakes are cute little things.  They don’t bite, you know… They ‘snap’…

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35 thoughts on “Snake Tales

  1. I’ve got several in the yard, if you want a live one. At least one of them is a couple of feet long. Not sure how FedEx would feel about it, though. And it is harder to keep them in place for the prank. And fair play would probably require me to send ZZ one of these giant orb weaver spiders that are all over the place.

    • i always liked garter snakes. my dream as a kid was to find a hog-nosed snake to keep as a pet, but never found one. they’re pretty shy. i’ll skip the opportunity to get a live one – this time of year, i could snag one from the bike path in the cool of the evening as they lay on the warm asphalt at the end of the day. and no spiders, thankyouverymuch! got plenty of those already!

      • I brought home several as a kid. Mostly kings, but at least one hog-nosed, and one of those giant black snakes. After an ill-fated attempt to keep on in an aquarium, my mother declared all future snakes to be “yard pets.”

  2. Great war story! I love this stuff! We found a dead snake that crawled into the air conditioner thingie outside and got electrocuted. It was huge. I would have saved it for you, had I known.

  3. When I was about seven or eight our neighbor phoned my mom to let her know I was walking down the street with a dead snake draped around my neck a la Sheena, Queen of the Jungle (one of my heroines.)

    I can’t wait to find out where you hid it!

    • we played with a dead black racer for about a week… our goal? pry the dead jaws open and take out the fangs. you’d be amazed at how hard that is when you’re about 9 years old! Go Sheena!

  4. OMGOMGOGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMFG, I hate snakes so much I can hardly write. They are evil and squirmy, and evil….and icky. I hate snakes. Really. Hate. Them… can we move on to the next subject please.

    • for some reason, they don’t bother me. i’ve read where fear of snakes is right up there with fear of heights as an “inborn” fear. it’s ok. relax. come down from the chair…

  5. Oh, spiders. Don’t get me started. My grandpa used to pretend to eat spiders when I was a kid. I was equal parts fascinated and creeped out. Now my cats eat the spiders for me. But they’re not pretending.

    • Huey Newton, the large orange cat that mostly lives downstairs with my daughter, has become quite the Spider Killing Machine. He at least finds them, and bats at them, so we know he’s got one and we can go stomp on it…

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