Tour de Farce

In general, i harbor no hard feelings toward him.  i had told him “i’m the easiest woman on the planet to dump – just don’t text or call me for a week, and i’m a ghost…”.  Can’t exactly be pissed off at him for taking me up on that offer.  An honest explanation would have been nice, though.

It was a couple years ago, and JC* was one of the first guys i dated after my divorce.  He was nice, funny and pretty laid back – we got along well for the six months or so that we were dating. He surprised me with one of the best dates ever, and we could make each other laugh.

It was quite casual.  Never invited him to the house.  He never met my children, nor did i meet his – and that seemed perfectly ok with both of us.  When i returned from a holiday in Spain, it was done.  When he didn’t reply to a text i sent, basically letting him know i was back in town?  i accepted the unspoken message, and moved on.

Not really a big deal…

About a year later, i spotted him on the bikeway – where i ride with my workout buddy, Studly McRocklegs**, on a regular basis.  He was riding with a female buddy – and i opted not to wave, or say anything.  Just a nod – same as i offer to any other on-coming cyclist.  The encounters became fairly regular on our weekday evening bike rides – and have continued during this cycling season.

Not so much as a smile, or a wave, exchanged.  We’re all out there for exercise, not socialization.  In the back of my mind, i’ve occasionally wondered if he remembers me***.  The schedule often has us headed westward as he and his buddy are headed eastward in the evenings.  With a bit of a downhill grade behind us?  We usually blow by pretty quickly, while they are chugging uphill. 

Hmmm…. Maybe he doesn’t recognize me because i’m a fucking blur?

Earlier this week, Studly and i got a late start on the bike ride.  Setting out shortly after 6:00 pm, i spotted them ahead of us early in the ride – and decided it would be a rather opportune time for a sprint!  Studly was riding at a good clip when we passed, but i pushed even harder, sprinting with everything i had – standing on the pedals to make sure my spandex-clad ass was highly visible to the riders we’d just passed!

Studly [gasping]: Where the fuck did that come from? What got into you?

daisyfae: [also sucking wind]: That was them – JC and his biking buddy. Wanted to shake my ass in the end zone a little bit!  Keep riding – let’s put up some distance.

Studly:  She looks a lot smaller…

daisyfae: Yeah, maybe she’s lost some weight.

We kept riding, getting a massive lead.  i was feeling pretty good about having had the chance to do a little celebratory butt shake.  Somewhere in my head, however, was a little doubt…

daisyfae:  Shit. What if that wasn’t them?  What if they’re still up ahead?

Studly:  I’m guessing we’ll have to do it again!

We had barely regained our breath about five minutes later, when i spotted them.  About 20 yards ahead of us.

daisyfae:  Fuck. You were right.  She hasn’t lost that much weight. That’s them…

Naturally, we caught up just as we were headed into the uphill portion of the trail.  Keeping sufficient distance through a busy street crossing, we turned on the steam and still managed to blow by at over 20 miles per hour – more than doubling their pace.  Not content to just blow their doors off, i had to keep going.  Oh, no, not stopping now!  Another half mile at full tilt, until we were safely around a corner.  They were dust.

Studly [hoarking up bits of his lungs]:  Now?  Can….. we….. please….. slow…. down?

daisyfae [head, heart and lungs nearing explosion]:  i… i…. [pant] think… [wheeeeeze] it’s….. clear….

In the end, it was simply one of our better workouts this week.  We hit the turning point, and managed a breezy passing on the way back.  Burned some calories.  Killed some gnats. 

And in the corner of my imagination where ego-fueled fantasies lie?  i dished out a serving of “There!  i’m in shape and badass!  That’s in your face for not having the balls to tell me you didn’t want to go out with me again…”

This time of year, my chest becomes a dead gnat collection system. So very sexy, isn't it? This is what you walked away from, buddy!

* No, not THAT “JC”.  From what i hear, he’s a bit of a mama’s boy, and doesn’t date much…

** After reading the draft, my bike buddy insisted i give him this particular call sign.  He does have a rather spectacular bum and legs…

*** In my more arrogant moments?  i’m pretty damn sure he remembers me…

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52 thoughts on “Tour de Farce

  1. Awesome job! You sure showed him! Plus, you showed two strangers! Take THAT all of you!!!

    I don’t care what you told him. That whole not answering the text thing was a wimpy ass move.

    (I don’t get gnats on my chest, but I have to pick them out of my teeth. That’s probably not good, right?)

    • honestly? i’m pretty sure he hasn’t given it a second thought. but hey, life in my head involves justice and accountability! as for my friends the gnats? CLOUDS of them this time of year. some folks wisely wear bandanas and masks to avoid eating them. i consider them additional protein. except for the ones that attach to my uvula for several miles, making me gag…

  2. I liked a comment you left at Savannah’s blog, so I thought I would check out your blog. Good post but it’s the only one I read so far.
    I have never seen footnotes on a blog before do you do that often?

    • Hi lisleman! Welcome to The Park! Any friend of Ms. Savannah is more than welcome to hang out here. Footnotes? Stole that approach from kyknoord, back when he wrote in sentences, and not cartoons. It’s a ‘sometimes’ thing…

  3. Being dumped is no fun no matter how it happens. You are lucky you have had a chance to communicate with him, even though it was non-verbally. I’m with the rest of the people who think he hasn’t forgotten you.

    • we were both freshly out of divorces – his was messier than mine – and as a result were happily walled up and emotionally inaccessible. he kept his online dating profile active the entire time we were dating, and that was perfectly fine with me… it was a healthy transition. and yeah, i’m pretty sure he’s not forgotten… at least some of it!

  4. He’s probably telling his companion, “See? That’s what I’m talking about. If it wasn’t for her propensity towards wholesale gnat murder, we’d still be together!”

    • serial gnat slaughter – by the dozens – is a fine hobby! i should stop showering and leave the bodies on my chest as a both a trophy and a warning to the other gnats!

  5. Isn’t t-shirt friday tomorrow?
    Is Mr. Studly McRocklegs the same one we know on another blog? if so it
    is good to see he’s still doing ok..long time and no blogging with his busy schedule. Just keeping up with you and your ass shaking is wearing him out.The first couple was just a practice run for the future perfection.
    The poor first couple..she is so pissed and he’s just confused…

    • i’m afraid i’m unprepared for t-shirt friday. been a looooong few weeks. studly is doing quite well, and is charming the ladies as we speak/type! the honest truth is that NO ONE is paying the least bit of attention to me on that bikeway. and that’s probably a good thing!

    • i am a gnat-mashing MACHINE! there are at least five that die a salt-watery death in my eyeballs every 10 miles or so. as the old joke goes: What was the last thing to go through that gnats mind as he hit daisyfae’s chest? His asshole!

  6. So that’s how to get the most of your workouts… neuroses as fuel. I think I used to employ that in the gym sometimes. “One more set on the shoulder machine or no one will ever love you!”

    Also, in case Studly McRocklegs needs a new name…

  7. Gnats are stupid, and men that aren’t blown away by your cycling are stupid, and Studly McRocklegs is awesome, and that video RF posted is awesome, and you are awesome, and RF is awesome, and everything is fucking awesome.

  8. Rassles is awesome, and what she said. And that video was like my favorite Mystery Science Theater ever. Especially when the golf cart crashes going like two miles an hour and explodes. Oh yeah, and he remembers. Count on it. Men aren’t always proud of who they are when freshly divorced, and usually don’t want a lot of witnesses hanging about.

    • She is the shit, isn’t she? i think you and i should become her adoptive parents… does he remember? yeah, i think he does. especially because i think i let him take a few strategic photos – with the comment “so long as you don’t show my face? i really don’t give a shit who you show these to…”

    • oh, he was a good one, just not a long term one… kinda bummed that we didn’t make it to the ‘former lovers/friends’ status, because he was a good damn time. but we were both at a very precarious point in the post-divorce spectrum, and i like to think we both served a purpose in that transition. the bitch of it is not knowing for sure what it was… pretty sure he simply got serious with someone else…. but i’ll never really know.

  9. Keeeeeeeee-rist! Yer durned lucky that neither you nor McStudly had a frigging coronary on the bike path! Now *that* would have been embarrassing! Good thing all that workin’ out is payin’ off, eh?

    • we’ve been doing ‘interval training’ for awhile – push the heart rate high for a minute, then recover. sort of like stress tests… measure of cardio health seems to be how fast you recover, and obviously we’re not there yet! yeah. MI on the bike path = not sexy.

  10. here’s classic daisyfae …
    “standing on the pedals to make sure my spandex-clad ass was highly visible to the riders we’d just passed”… and why this blog is so entertaining. 🙂 my regards to mcstudly.

  11. Badassery, thy name is Daise —

    I took extra pleasure in this one, Dasiy — I was dumped this summer and have lost 10 pounds since then but have not had the opportunity to do any spite-displaying. In the city, ex lovers just melt into the pavement of anonymity….. sigh.

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