Quantum elasticity

The suspense is what makes it memorable.  If it happened suddenly?  Popping off without warning?  It would be over far too quickly for you to harbour that fleeting nanosecond of hope that perhaps this time…. maybe for the first time…  trauma can be averted. 

A slight shift in your seat?  Ever-so-gently adjusting your hips.  Slowly.  Is this a better angle?  Can the situation be rectified on the sly?

No.  As always, it is not to be.  You feel it going over.  Past the point of no return.  You shift again, hoping that no one else in the room is witness.  Worse, you wonder if it will be audible!  Christ!  Why can’t the white-noise people start talking now?  Where are they when you need them?

It’s done.  Just like that.  Almost relief, as you realize there is nothing to be done.  You accept that you will simply have to sort it out later.  You gather your notebook as you stand to leave the room, prepared to strategically cover up if needed, and wonder if your altered appearance is noticeable to others.

Perhaps it’s only us chubbies who know this particular joy – another burden of shame we bear because we allow ourselves to be sunk by those bloody Chips Ahoy!  Does this happen to skinny people?  Doubt it. 

Feeling the elastic band on your knickers break loose in the death-slide across your flabby stomach.  Taunting you, just a little bit of stiction before snapping free, finally reaching the lowest energy state under the fold of your ice cream-fueled powergut. 

Nothing quite like it.


28 thoughts on “Quantum elasticity

  1. I suppose this being hardly the season for tights (sorry – I can’t use the p-hose word it’s just too funny) there is no emergency back up system for underware failure.

    I thought this was going to be about farting too.

    Expect that ladies don’t fart.

    Ladies “relax”

    Gentlemen “deflate”

    And horses fart.

  2. blazngfire – that makes one of us… grrr…..

    beth – i’d almost rather pinch off a fart. not that i fart, mind you. but if i did, it wouldn’t be as bad as the underoo slide…

    headbang8 – you could watch me squirm. bring popcorn. it’s bound to happen again.

    DP – i used to work with a man, now retired, who deliberately farted in meetings. he was an anti-bureaucracy chap, and liked nothing better than ripping off a chair-squeaker to punctuate a point… somehow, i am reminded of the DP. hmmm…

    nursemyra – that’s what SHE said…

    FJ – seriously, i’d RATHER deal with a ‘silent but deadly’ during a meeting than wandering underwear, maybe i should just give them up for the summer…

    jon – i don’t bother with underthings when wearing tights. that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

  3. Yes it does. See when you’re broke and can’t afford luxuries like new boxers you wear the ones you have until they fall apart and if that happens in public so be it. You are not alone Miss Daisy, you are not alone.

  4. I’ve been hearing that awful phrase, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” a lot lately. I don’t believe these people are eating the right things.

  5. Oh, I knew what you were talking about. The title gave it away. I also have much experience with the phenomenon. My solution? Huge cotton granny pants from a fat lady shop, which adequately contain the gut.

  6. funny post daisy and you have the funniest commenters! i was also impressed with daddy papasurfer’s elegant spelling of “lady phart”. hahahaha

  7. kyknoord – nah… that was done because the original version having her wear the bigcottonbloomers didn’t go well with the test audience.

    kono – i hang onto mine a long time because i hate shopping. besides, i like them broken in and comfortable! i have a couple pairs that might be as old as my children… they are not currently in regular rotation, but suspect i could find them if i dug around enough.

    chris – i agree. i’ve never been skinny, but the one week i’d starved and exercised myself down to a size 8? i realized i was rather unhappy when i wasn’t eating anything fun. bacon. itz whutz fer supper.

    renalfailure – hadn’t planned on it, but now that you mention it… perhaps “The Elastic Blowoutz” could be an opening act?

    unbearable banishment – i don’t fart. wouldn’t know what you’re talking about.

    writerdood – interesting idea. energy must be released as the elastic band gives up the potential energy, but i think it’s all used overcoming the friction as the elastic has to move across my bellyfat… suppose i could develop a model for it.

    archie – ah, those cartoon gals had poise. me? i just didn’t want to have the dreaded ‘visible panty line’ across my ass when i stood up…

    savannah – oh, mine were in no danger of hitting the floor. my thighs are a formidable barrier…

    silverstar – i may consider suspenders in the future. really bothers me. i loves my cute underpanties, but sometimes they aren’t practical…

    middlesister – the ‘sans panties’ approach is one that i use on occasion. definitely in the summer. however, the dress was a bit short (i’m wearing dresses until the maddening itch from the jellyfish sting is gone – hopefully another day) and i didn’t want to flash the guys at work. this time.

    lynn – i love my blog peeps! they are very clever and sweet! you all make me want to be a better blogger!

    texastrailerparktrash – i wonder if the assembled geeks would have ducked or tried to calculate the velocity as they shot across the room!

    manuel – nope. just life in the middle-aged chubby lane….

  8. Do you know Wanda Sykes? She does a great bit on an HBO special (“I’ma Be Me”) about wearing Spanx and having them roll down on her while she was on Leno. Hysterical. Worth a watch if you have HBO.

  9. Oh, I remember that feeling well — it happened to me when we were out to dinner and my pantyhose slipped down over my too well fed gut and wound up cinched around my upper thighs. So I waddled to the restroom and removed them, spent the rest of the evening gloriously free of restraint.

    Not too long after that was when I got serious about dropping weight off. My blood pressure has responded in kind, dropping from just above normal to quite a lot below, most days it is in the range of 110/65. Just a little added bonus.

    Oh, and I stopped wearing underwear years ago. If you have no panty line, no one can tell if you have it on or not. I suppose they just assume I am wearing butt floss, I mean, a thong.

  10. beth – i adore wanda sykes, and remember seeing that clip about a year ago, i think! will look for it online!

    HMH – i’m still waging war on my weight. momentarily faltering, mostly because i’m eating whatever i want, whenever i want to. which means ‘junk’. will get back to reality here shortly… refuse to gain back anymore weight, because it’s SUCH a bitch to have to lose it again!

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