To say that my neighborhood is rather quiet at night is an understatement.  If i go out after 10pm to walk the dog, and i see lights on anywhere?  i assume there is a burglary in progress.  Crickets.  That’s all that’s going on, even on the weekends.

Returning home around midnight after suffering ‘Bad Local Theater”*, i was tired and just starting to lose my “happy li’l wine buzz”.  On his way out, my friend helped me extract myself from the zip-backed sundress i’d worn – right about the time i realized i still needed to let the dog out for “Last Pee”.

When The Girl is home, she has on more than one occasion returned home after getting off work at midnight, to find me standing in the driveway, with a leashed dog, wearing nothing but a long t-shirt.  She has complained that i could easily get caught – but i scoff at her prudish ways.

Since she’s out of town for the weekend, i decided to literally shake it in her face, and proceeded to hook the dog up on his leash, and head out through the garage door wearing nothing but my knickers.  My friend was laughing at my brazen hussery, as he headed for his car. 

Halfway down the driveway, between the two cars, i spotted headlights approaching around the corner.  Too close for me to make a run back into the open garage.  Besides, the dog still needed to pee, and would not be denied.  All hundred pounds of his full-bladdered dogness was pulling me down the driveway, and out into the open.

Having no recourse, i ducked between the cars as the approaching vehicle turned the corner.  My friend was at this point laughing hysterically, when i tossed him the end of the leash and hissed at him to wrangle the mutt for me.  The car passed by, just as the dog managed to get the leash tangled on the bumper of the car… forcing my friend to have to crawl under as well to disentangle the leash.

As luck would have it, i heard the garage door of my immediate neighbor opening.  Huh?  i never see these people during the day.  What the hell are they doing out after midnight on a Friday?

Since i wasn’t in the best vantage point, i heard a car door open, and my friend say “Hi”, after untangling the dog, and getting himself out from under the bumper of the car.  Young womans voice saying “Hi”.  Waiting until i heard the garage door going down again – rather than trust his call of “all clear” – i stood up again, generally no worse for wear. 

Apparently, my neighbors have a daughter.  A daughter who now thinks the people next door are insane.


* i may have to write this up.  Fortunately, i pre-gamed with enough wine that i giggled my way through two hours of a ‘first-ever’ performed play.  Unfortunately, i was probably too buzzed to remember much of what happened…

21 thoughts on “Busted!

  1. Dais, you are not only the life of every party…

    your life is, in fact, the party.

    And I’ve done my share of bad first-time theatre, from both sides of the proscenium. Ach.

  2. Well, I don’t live in a senior’s complex/neighbourhood, but I routinely take out the trash in my robe or sometimes in a only a towel. The only time it gets dicey is when there’s a stiff wind a-blowin’. 🙂

  3. “Thinks”?…. at this point, sounds like she has more to go on than just a thought.

    Then again, it could be fun to live next door to someone as crazy as I am.


  4. haha…. this reminds me of what happened to my son last weekend. The old man across the road plays the same ‘tune’ on his off key accordion all day Sunday. My son djs from 11:00 pm until 4:00 am and needs his sleep on Sunday – or else he gets very very cranky.

    Last week, unable to sleep, he bolted out of bed, wrapped himself in a towel and marched across the road to shout “learn a new song, get in tune or shut the hell up”

    His righteous indignation was rather ruined when the towel fell off on the sprint back across the road, leaving him rather red cheeked in more ways than one…..

  5. thinking you’re lucky your friend didn’t decide to engage the young lady in a l-o-n-g conversation, asking pointed questions about what they thought of you

  6. To echo TAG’s sentiments: You seem to be implying that neighbours’s daughter might be wrong. This doesn’t quite gel with the reality of the situation.

  7. DP – twins? oh, my. that’s a scary thought. they were my favorite cotton bloomers – torn elastic waistband, suitable stains, and hiked up nearly to cover my chest! i was a damn fine sexy woman!

    artswebshow – welcome to The Park, and thanks for stopping by! oh, don’t judge me by the avatar! i’m a lumpy, middle-aged woman… i’m sure the poor neighbor girl wasn’t the least bit interested in seeing my breastages!

    blaiser – life is the party you make it! and i happen to like to party a bit. the theater? you know the drill – the actors work very hard for many weeks to stage a show for one night, adjudicators then explain to the playwright what needs to be fixed… painful, and necessary, process…

    rob – i am often out and about in nothing but a bra and yoga pants, figuring it’s more covering than i wear in a bathing suit. not sure what the deal is… wind can be a problem, though, when one is wearing a towel!

    renalfailure – yeah, and it’ll be especially sexy when i bend down to pick up the dog turds in my velvet-lined plastic turd-baggie!

    TAG – i was just stunned to see human activity at their place. in TWO YEARS i’ve only seen them in their cars. middle-aged couple, leave for work, come home. that’s about it. seem to have a college-aged daughter home for the summer…

    nursemyra – that’s a riot! flashing the elderly accordian player should get him to shut the hell up. or put away the accordian for good!

    gnukid – because my friend has known me long enough to know that at some point i’d have stood up and started shaking my boobies and howling at the moon!

    kyknoord – i wish i were the kind of person who would have just stood there, continued walking the dog in my undies, and waved as she pulled into the garage. proving that i do, in fact, have a few limits…. sad….

  8. I’m afraid I am just the kind of person kyknoord wishes they were. The neighbor would have had to deal with my boobs, I’m afraid. Of course, knickers are in short supply in this house seeing as how I gave up wearing them years ago except for that monthly time. . .once I went through menopause the panties disappeared forever.

    yesterday I was out taking in my laundry in the altogether. I had headed out to cool off in our tiny swimming pool and I realized that the sun was going down, the dew was about to fall on my nice dry laundry so I just went over there and took it down.

    My habit of wandering about the yard naked is okay even though I live in town because we have fences and shrubbery, etc. it does help even out the tan. . .

  9. there is no chance of taking the dog out for a quiet pee just in your dacks and not being seen in this neighbourhood – the cars whizz by all night, its an awful soundtrack to life, and a great dampener on our topless night time escapades. Good to hear you are picking up the slack on our behalf!

  10. i once walked to work and unbeknownst to me had my fly wide open and not only that but El Johnson had fallen out the boxers and fly so i walked about 3 city blocks exposing myself…

  11. that’s so funny, i’ve done the same thing. well not exactly the same thing but close. wild how all your neighbors go to bed early on a weekend. you must live around some very responsible people …what the hell are you doing living in that neighborhood anway? oh i know, trying to look responsible… 🙂

  12. HMH- very “Pre-apple Garden of Eden”. like it!

    dolce – i don’t think their eyesight is that good.

    manuel – nice to know someone else is awake after ten pm, in case i need help fighting zombies during the end of days…

    ruby – with that much traffic, you could have a ‘drive through topless entertainment club’… serve beer in sippy cups!

    unbearable banishment – it was ok. mostly because i ‘pre-gamed’ with a lot of wine.

    kono – i bet you scared a few folks that morning… wheee!

    FJ – i figure if i’m wearing as much as i would be wearing at the pool, the ‘swimsuit equivalent’ method of public nakedness, it’s ok. the naked boobies part might have thrown the poor kid.

    lynn – as my son says, it’s where old people go when they’re waiting to die. i went there so i could travel for months and not worry about mowing the lawn…

  13. The good thing about having cats is that I never have to leave the house late at night to walk them in my unmentionables. The bad thing about having cats is that I never have to leave the house late at night to walk them in my unmentionables.

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