Momma don’t wanna go to the big house

Monday morning.  The weekly staff meeting starts at 0830.  All of the mid-level managers, and associated tech advisers, shuffle to the conference room.  Division Chief, or his Deputy, preside over the meeting with the communal goal to get out of there within 30 minutes.  If everyone is in town, it’s maybe 15 people.  We usually make it out of there within 30 minutes, unless there’s a lot going on – no one wastes much bandwidth.   
This morning, especially light attendance.  Peak vacation time means that the taskings and droppings from above are at a lull.  Of the 8 of us in the room, we were still slurping coffee, scratching and adjusting ourselves as the DivChief got things started.  Nothing heavy.  Summer organizational picnic is coming up.  Be sure to get your guys through the latest required training.  Light and fluffy.
These meetings conclude with a rapid fire “Around the Room”, where each of us have a chance to report anything that might be of interest.  Today?  The energy vibe was low and mellow, so there were grunts, head shakes, and a couple of short and sweet items.  We were in a low-frequency vibrational mode groove, for sure…. Humming right along… 
When it got to me, i had a short informational update.
daisyfae:  Boss and i are hosting a gathering for our summer interns – informal discussion of various student programs and whatnot.  It’ll be a ‘beer’ event, and we’d be happy to expand it to your students as well.  Will ship a quick note out when we lock down a date.
Tom:  Better check their IDs.  Can’t let any underage students sneak a beer on our watch!
  Yep.  Jail is bad.
Greg:  Not all jail is bad… You could get something cushy, maybe a minimal security prison in a sunny location.
daisyfae:  True.  Three square meals a day, guaranteed hour of exercise, lights out at 10pm, library pass…  that’d be cool.  It’s just that roommate issue…
DivChief:  Hey, you could end up with Martha Stewart!
daisyfae [instant transformation from ‘mellow’ to ‘stabby’]:  Not happenin’.  i’m not knitting any stinkin’ ponchos for Martha Stewart!  i’d be likely to bust a shiv into her, screaming “IT’S NOT A GOOD THING!  I DON’T DO CUTE, DAMN IT!”
momentary silence in the conference room
DivChief [looking at Tom to my left]:  Tom?  Anything?

Image sourced here

21 thoughts on “Momma don’t wanna go to the big house

  1. Heh, ROFL. It’s fun, playing with the boys. Bet now they’re wondering where you keep your shiv.

    That reminds me, I didn’t get my Martha Stewart Living rag when I transplanted myself in Florida! WTF, Martha?

  2. cew – i’ll need it for baking a new shiv, no doubt!

    fragrant liar – they keep their distance, chuckle politely and whisper amongst themselves when i’m dressed up… and i’ll put in a good word for you with martha. she owes me…

  3. Nope, no pointy sticks for you, not even the bamboo ones that break easily. I do all that crafty stuff, but would probably poke Martha (perfect) Stewart in the eye with a steel knitting needle, too.

  4. Knitting is the work of the devil …… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ….. apart from eyebrows ……. obviously ……. it’s a health and safety issue in my case …..

  5. Still laughing. Personally, I hate Martha Stewart with a passion that is probably not definable since she has never actually done anything to me personally. But it began over 15 years ago when in a weak moment I was watching MSL (this was before she went to jail, when she went there I thought it was years too late and didn’t last long enough, but. . .) and she was demonstrating how to make a brick edging for a garden bed.

    Ms Steward knelt at the edge of a garden which had been groomed and fluffed (And probably had makeup and undergarments on) within an inch of its life, and with absolutely no effort whatsoever, dug a little trench at the edge of it, plopped a brand new fresh shiny brick into at an angle, proceeded to add a few more and the pronounce this “such an easy way” to provide a border for a bed. Now, not a week previously I had spent several days and many hours doing the exact same thing around the flower borders at my mother’s place so that my father would be able to tell where the edge of the bed was and stop mowing her day lilies, peonies, and other perennial flowers off. I was out there in the humid Ozarks sun with a pulaski, spade and pick-axe, hacking a trench through sun baked, hardened clay, doing combat with rocks and oak roots in order to make the trench that she spent all of two seconds on the show making.

    “Where are your fucking broken nails? Your sunburn? Your blisters?” I was heard to rant at the TV. Fortunately all the tools were outside or the hapless communication device would probably have ceased to function in a most interesting manner. (I believe this is what they created nerf dart guns for.)

    Anyway, from that day forward I viewed Stewart as the enemy. When I read an article which mentioned her 54 sets of china, I managed to avoid vomiting in disgust and consigned her to the recycling bin of my life.

    A shiv is too good for her. She should be stabbed to death with a dull trowel.

  6. Terminal Island Prison in So. California is a nice venue. I worked on patients there when I was in dental hygiene school in ’75-’77. We had Squeaky Fromme and Sarah Jane Moore to practice on. Good times….

  7. i always say, if you’re going to go down, go down for something BIG! besides, i always wanted a friend in maximum security!

  8. nursemyra – i can see martha giving ME a pedicure. i don’t give those to just anyone, you know!

    silverstar – she, and her empire, are substantially responsible for creating this ‘inadequacy bench’. stupid, mindless, pointless and timewasting crafty shit that is supposed to make us feel better? in the end, we feel like failures… but knitting hats for preemies? THAT’S good crafty shit! unlike turning old credit cards into christmas ornaments…

    kyknoord – believe it or not? i used to crochet. passed some bored time while i was waiting out the final month of my first pregnancy… blankets. that’s all i could manage.

    DP – if your eyebrow hair is long enough for knitting? might i suggest a trim?

    dolce – i can still hear your voice in my head! all those accents – was like traveling with an international comedy troupe!

    chris – in general, i hate standing meetings, and mondays are the worst. BUT, these guys are efficient. i’m not awake at 0830 on monday anyway, so i snooze through most of it. with varying travel schedules, it’s generally the only day of the week we’re all there, too…

    HMH – Hmmm. Did this touch a nerve? Seriously, you have captured my frustration with the magic diva. Sure, we’d all love to live lives of simple, effortless elegance. Reality says otherwise! i also dislike the womens magazines that have articles about “lose 10 pounds in a week” right next to recipes for “Yummy Cakes Your Family Will Love You For!”.

    texastrailerparktrash – Will tuck that away for potential future reference! And i’m blown away that you have cleaned the teeth of ASSASSINS! well, failed assassins, but that’s pretty cool!

    lynn – excellent point. why do time for giving beer to underage kids? i should do something big. REALLY BIG! like steal a city bus or something…

    stephanie – penis cozy, anyone?

    renalfailure – my compatriots have already decided i’m the go-to guy in a barfight. this just reinforced that. and yeah, they try not to antagonize me… unless it’s a slow day.

    gnukid – given the choice? i’d take the larger bull dyke, as opposed to the closeted and annoying one…

  9. I just got home from a work ‘road trip’ where I was my unusual chatty self. Frankly I just didn’t feel like talking and that was freakin out my collective boss hive. What’s wrong? Not a FUCKING thing! sheesh!

  10. I must admit that I personally didn’t get to clean Squeaky Fromme’s or Sarah Jane Moore’s teeth–a couple of my classmates got that dubious honor. I got your everyday addicts and drug pushers–both male and female.

    Squeaky told my friend that she brushed her teeth with Comet cleanser to keep them white. My friend was going to tell her that was a bad idea, but she stopped herself from saying it. Somehow, it wasn’t important in the overall scheme of things.

  11. ruby – a couple of them would be a fine punishment for ms. stewart, should she ever end up in the slammer again!

    anonymum – i genuinely like the people i work with now. that alone was worth changing jobs for last year!

    carlae – tell ’em you’re gonna barf. that’ll get some distance between you…

    texastrailerparktrash – COOL! reminds me of the jingle we used to sing — “Comet, it makes you mouth turn green! Comet, it tastes like gasoline! Comet, it makes you vomit! So buy some Comet and vomit today!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s