I’m not quite dead yet…

Clearing my e-mail before bedtime, i was rattled by the appearance of this obviously targeted pop-up advertisement on my screen:

Senior people?  Oh, for fuckssake, i’m only 48…  Do i look like a senior citizen?  Doesn’t that start when you’re, like, sixty or something?

Granted, when i turned 47 last year, i started telling everyone i’d turned 50.  My logic is bullet proof.  Once you reach 47, you are no longer in your “mid-forties”.  You officially enter your “late-forties”, and if you tell someone you are in your “late-forties”, they will assume you are a lying sack of shit in denial, and are really fifty. 

So why not go ahead and round it up?

The idea of an on-line dating site for folks over 50 is fine.  But why is their sample chat so damn lame?   “Do you like movies?”  “Yes, all types!  Care to join me?” says the suave and debonair* “LadiesMan”.  Yeah.  i can’t wait to get my hands on that piece of studliness…  When i’m in my 50’s i can damn near guarantee i’ll be a bit more direct – why waste time with small talk, when the clock starts to tick a little louder?

LadiesMan:  Hi!  I like your profile!

50sGal:  You have any medical problems?  Heart trouble?  Un-corrected ED?  How are your teeth?  Latex allergies?

LadiesMan: Would you like to see a movie with me?

50sGal: [offline]

Got this in an e-card from a friend, and this is probably a little closer to where my mental state lies at the moment.  i had one helluva birthday weekend, thankyouverymuch!  This rolling stone ain’t gathering no moss.  At least not yet…

* pronounced “soo-AH-veh and de-BONE-er”…

28 thoughts on “I’m not quite dead yet…

  1. arrgh, if you want a real 50’s downer, log on to AARP. It’s AO-HELL on quaaludes. Seriously, I hear you sister, loud and clear.

    I kept going online to find kindred spirits and all I could find were the same high school dregs I’d declined a hundred years ago, only more so. Dreadful. If you find the right place – PLEASE tell us, ‘k?

    Let me share here: You’ll do better if you aim for anything that claims to be only for people 20 years your junior. And then, you have to sort them by IQ.

    Good lord, I’ve just figured out how to make our fortune, DF.
    Wanna build a website with a really specific demographic? I’m certain I’ll need a hot engineer to help me.

  2. Well if the over fifties lads can’t handle you Daisy, I’m sure theres plenty of younger chaps who’d (insert filthy innuendo)…

  3. archie – so long as you coordinate with Buff? i’m in! it’s a number. somedays that number hurts my joints a little more than others, but just a number. i’m still 30 in my head…

    rob – “brave sir rob[in] ran away” – a wise decision!

    kyknoord – Twilight? ummm… NEXT!

    beth – “Snarky Nerds Suffering Arrested Development Meet”? Sure…. i have no direct experience with online matchups. at least not yet. so far, haven’t really been looking and some fun gents have meandered my way. should i need to build the bench to add depth to the team? might be worth a shot…

    tNb – certainly not in a chosen screen name… blechh… but ‘ladies man’ is worse…

    alex – thank you! suppose it could happen… but they have to have at least a small degree of ‘broken’ and ‘bitter’. if a man has dreams? i’m not for him. i’m a good time. period.

    DP – say hello to my little green, squishy friend!

  4. I was looking at eecards this morning (it’s my good friends bday) and damn near shot breakfast pastry out of my nose.

    See, and I thought it was funny that you said you were 50 last year and you’re 48 this year… at least you’re not pulling that “I’m 29!” bullshit. Take pride in the fact that you don’t look your age (or if you do, you’re photoshopping the hell out of it)

    Almost as scary as the demographically based “hook up now!” is that show on TLC (or whatever affiliate) about the retirement community where people are hooking up. Makes me think of The Professor and Mom. *shudder*

  5. Good questions. After questions like those, LadiesMan better want to do something more than take you to a movie. You’re obviously worth at least a hamburger and a couple of drinks in addition to the movie. Must be ED. There’s no other explanation for his continued obsession with the movies.

  6. I’m fifty and more than likely past menopause. I don’t care too much about the visible signs but I’ve not yet really accepted that bits of my body don’t work so well anymore. I never lie about my age – it just is what it is and sometimes I’m surprised I made it this far. I don’t understand why some women say they are younger than they are . . . if they said they were older then people would go: oooh, you look young for your age! People quite often tell me that I look younger than I am but I put it down to being short and jumping about like a kid . . and they mostly haven’t seen me when I’ve just woken up!

  7. Oh my god, Daisy, this post hilarious! Better than the early bird special – on fire like a hot flash!

    And I always tell people I’m ten years OLDER than I am so they can be blown away by how awesome I look. But it’s kind of a bummer when I tell them I’m 51 and they say…”oh, okay”.

  8. I’m still young enough to get the “hot young women are waiting” dating ads, to which I point at my monitor and scream “LIAR! They are fucking not!” And then I’m asked to leave the library.

  9. Those fuckers at AARP, keep sending my husband (whom I met on line 10 years ago) and I their stinkin cards. They may shove them up their collective hoo-hoo’s.

  10. i could always send you the same gift I’m giving my father for his 70th b-day..A hat that says “My IQ came back negative”
    See, you’ve done a great job blog raising me for 2 yrs.
    I think I should send him e-cards from now till his party on Saturday..I’m sure I could find some awesome smart ass ones.
    A few years back I started telling everyone I was 40. Made me feel good to be only 37. especially with those whining little bitches that were complaining about being almost 30. bit me..little prissy babies have no idea what life is like. you have to earn that attitude.

  11. I LOVE the ecard! lol

    “People” told me I would dread turning 40, but when I did?
    I actually felt YOUNGER and more liberated than I did in my early 30’s!
    I love being over 40 … I just hope I embrace turning 50 with the same verve and attitude.
    A bit more direct?! HA HA HA
    You’re funny Daisy!

  12. unbearable banishment – on the bright side? they’ve got fantastic medical insurance and life insurance options… bought the ‘medi-gap’ coverage for mom through them. best deal going. a billion cranky old farts can get the attention of congress, too!

    savannah – figured that you’re amongst the ‘young as you feel’ crowd! wheee!

    stephanie – i’m not ashamed of my age. i’m just not quite ready to die. for a few more decades. i have started to hear the ‘tick tock’ of the clock, and it’s jacked up my energy levels, that’s for sure! and i haven’t seen ‘hook up now’. and i’m going out of my way to avoid it!

    writerdood – my number one ‘entry criteria’ (um, i mean for DISCUSSIONS) is intelligence, followed by sense of humor. if i don’t get that within the first few minutes? i’m gone… but a hamburger is nice, too!

    texastrailerparktrash – still waiting for the pre-paid cremation, but i suspect it isn’t too far away… my brain says “30”, no matter what the calendar and my body tell me. funny how you seem to get stuck somewhere…

    syncopated eyeball – we live in a culture that worships youth, and some folks feel the pressure to still be young. sure, i want to be as attractive as i can be, but at the same time, i’m sort of proud of having gotten here – despite a few early predictions that i’d not make it! can’t wait to meet you – suspect we’d be fun to watch! someone else who bounces off walls!

    girly – you’re on fire, at any age! weird, though, when i was in my 20’s, i simply couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be 50. Surprisingly? i’m just a little wiser, and perhaps a little slower. But other than that? Not much difference – other than the externals!

    renalfailure – you should bash that monitor. then you’ll never be allowed back in the libarary, and those marketeers can’t taunt you again…

    FJ – says you like ‘coming attractions’? it’s a good time, ain’t it?

    25BAR – faster every year! but life is good!

    carlae – i haven’t gotten one yet, but i remember enrolling my now ex-husband a year early. because i was a snot. he laughed, and pointed out how good some of the deals were… [backfire]

    hisqueen – GREAT hat! if it came in ‘My Emotional IQ is Negative”, then i’d buy a dozen for all of my relatives! we are what we are, aren’t we?

    blazngscarlet – it cracked me up, especially after a rather raucous weekend! i’d say i had a couple decades knocked off me! you’re as old as you let yourself feel… life is good!

  13. ooooh I know how you feel…I get it all the time from the kids at work being the oldest there…it’s jokes about the war and what was it like before electricity etc…little blighters….you could smack them in my day…

    oh poo…

    maybe they have a point..

  14. manuel – oh, and when the little fuckers try to show respect and call me “Ma’am”? i want to hit them with my cane…

    rassles – THAT’S the kinda porn i’ve been looking for! missed it in that photo. shall wank to it later…

  15. I’m getting the pre-paid cremation and the adult diaper ads. But I’m still young in my head, even if every bone in my body aches. Still learning new things, too.

    I’ve avoided AARP like the plague for a decade, but since the Medicare Advantage plan I have isn’t going to be offered next year, and I can’t afford any of the others, I may have to look at Medigap insurance. Damn, I hate being old(er). And since I’m turning 60 later this year, I’m here to tell you OLD doesn’t start until at least 70.

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