Taking on the Harper Valley PTA*

Moving to a condominium was a choice.  i traded off my hatred of yard work, for my hatred of neighbors living “up close and personal”.  Given that i live in a place that is mostly populated by the geriatric set?  Their eyesight and hearing isn’t the best, so they really can’t tell what i’m up to most of the time.  At least the couple that shares my bedroom wall haven’t called the police.  Yet.

In general, i like it here.  When i walk the dog at 11:00 pm on a weeknight, it’s pretty quiet.  In fact, if i saw lights on in any of the units, i’d be shocked – and probably call the cops because it would have to be burglars.  My son dubbed the place “God’s Waiting Room”, where old people live until they can’t change their own diapers.  We even have a convenient cemetery located just outside the gates.

But there are a lot of older folks around here – some of the “Get offa my lawn!” variety.  These are unfortunately the types that populate the board of the homeowners association.  Early on, i tried to get involved with the association – volunteering to write a monthly newsletter.  i was told “Oh, John does that for us…” and dismissed.

In nearly two years of living here, John has prepared and distributed exactly two newsletters.  He is somewhat frail, and i believe it takes him several weeks to do the typesetting on the Gutenberg press in his basement.  He is, apparently, not one of those hip and techno-savvy senior citizens.

So i gave up.  It wasn’t until April, when the information prior to the annual homeowners association meeting arrived that i even rememberd i have a homeowners association.  A proposed change to the parking regulations got my attention, pissed me off, and ultimately forced me to give away a car temporarily.

“No overnight parking on the street”.  That was the rule when i bought the place.  Fine.  But they never exactly defined “overnight”, so sometimes that meant i’d move a car into the driveway after midnight, and pull it back out at 7:00 am before work.  Technically?  Complete compliance.  For extra cars, overnight parking was allowed in the parking lot of the clubhouse.  When the entire clan was at home, and if there were any overnight guests?  i had to use the clubhouse parking on occasion.

The revision to the association parking rules proposed in April stated that “No overnight parking at the clubhouse allowed, without written permission from the board.  Permission only granted for 30 days at a time.” 

Fuck that shit.

A friend was having car trouble, and needed a temporary ride, so i launched one of the shitmobiles in her direction – taking care of automotive stress for both of us… at least until either that shitmobile, or the one i’m currently tooling around in, drops dead.  This got my immediate parking challenge resolved, but i was still pissed.

Fast forward a couple months, and it’s now “Pool Season”!  We have a lovely community pool, for use by residents and guests.  i like the pool.  Given the age demographic of the complex, last season, i pretty much had the place to myself, and it was nice…

So far this year, there have been dozens of small children – including a few of the ‘diaper age’ – hanging out by the pool.  With their doting grandparents nearby, the little fuckers have seemingly taken over.  i don’t mind listening to the sounds of happy kids farting around, but it’s the whiney-assed stuff that makes me want to teach them to swim with bricks.

While i can’t really do much about this, i’ve come up with a plan to at least amuse myself.  i am going to purchase a teeny-tiny thong bikini.  A small bikini top to go with it – with the fabric that becomes transparent when wet.  i am going to sun myself poolside every stinkin’ afternoon and weekend – butt cheeks proudly skyward.

i will then see how long it takes for the condo association police to propose a nifty new “dress code” for the pool area…  Wagering is encouraged.


* “Harper Valley PTA” is a goofy country/pop song from the 1968, written by Tom T. Hall and performed by Jeannie C. Riley.  Bad video here.

36 thoughts on “Taking on the Harper Valley PTA*

  1. We were in what you call a condominium before we moved here – the established ‘do-gooders’ / ‘organisers’/’small minded common little oiks’ were very booooooring …… partly why we moved ………

  2. daisyfae: you should start another blog called “Life of a Curmudgeon”. I could guest contribute. 🙂

    The bikini idea is intriguing but @hisqueen? Those pics you sent us too? Oh.My.Gosh. That woman 1) looks like a refugee from Aushschwitz, and 2) could be a poster girl for the longevity of breast implants. Those pics pretty much put me off of beaches.

    Having gnukid join the fun is an excellent idea. And probably right up his alley.

  3. Totally random factoid: Jeanne C. Riley lived in this great big antebellum mansion just down the road from us when I growing up. Tom T. Hall lived over on the other side of town.

  4. DP – i really don’t have many options, as i plan to be gone a lot (travel is my most favored hobby). one of my immediate neighbors is a very nice man (with a nice live in girlfriend) – and they’ve struck a healthy balance of “friendly, pleasant and thoughtful” with “minding their own business”. But after two years? There isn’t a lot of “fun” in these parts…

    hisqueen – oh, that’s just not right! i’m sure her bionic breastages will be intact for several decades after she’s gone! as for gnu? suspect he’d be up to play… i’ll see about the photos! (don’t think ‘naked tattoed barcelona schlong-man’ is in the cards, though).

    rob – suspect we could do a fine job with that… is there such a genre as “party girl curmudgeon”? i’d have to start one, methinks! i can be quite sociable, but i just can’t stand the control freaks… the argument they used for keeping cars off the street? “So fire trucks have access”. Excuse me? It’s ok to block the trucks if a fire happens in daylight? Just say “cars on the road look ‘trailer park’, and we are too old to be driving around them all the time” if that’s the reason… cranky old fuckers…

    renalfailure – you just defined the rules for round two. after they pass the new ‘dress code’ for the pool, i shall show up with the lovely tethered and gagged cabana boy. we shall both be appropriately dressed. are you volunteering, or do i have to hire one from amongst my theater friends?

    blaiser – thanks, but i’m half serious… this dude claims to be “very computer literate”, since he used to be an engineer apparently, but the best i can tell, he hasn’t figured out e-mail! i tried contacting him, and when i saw him in person, he said “just call me on the phone – I’m not good with e-mail”. ugh… and yes, it was the lovely barbara eden in that sad little show… i don’t think i saw it, but always had a soft spot for “Jeanie”

    hereinfranklin – those are a couple of very delicious factoids! i’m not s huge country music fan, but growing up, i always loved those “story” songs – especially “Ode to Billie Joe”… Don’t tell me Bobbie Gentry was just up the road a bit!

    tammy – oh, yeah! i’m waiting for the ratted hair look to come back. i’m now a natural ‘fluff head’, given the arrival of summer humidity!

    • You’re going to need someone who tans to be your bondage cabana dog slave, because I don’t handle direct sunlight well. Get a theater friend, tell him it’s to prepare for a planned Samuel Beckett production. Like Endgame set in a German Haus of Discipline.

      If it goes to Round Three, it’s Human Centipede time!

  5. so what would happen if you invited the entire trailer park clan to camp out for a weekend at the pool? wouldn’t that send a message as well? yeah, i know you don’t want to open that door, being a refugee and all, but just a thought. i do like the bare-assed approach as the preferred option, for multiple reasons.

  6. I worked with our neighborhood association for a while when we first moved here. Had much the same experience. Good luck with the pool adventure.

  7. We rented a condo in a “God’s waiting room” type place when we first moved to psychotic, er, I mean scenic Reading. We got a nice note from the condo board telling us that sidewalk chalk wasn’t allowed. I was like, “Geez, chill out! It washes off in the rain!” My husband told me maybe I shouldn’t let the boys draw little penises. Kill joys. All of them.

  8. chris – it’s frustrating, to say the least… i have mad organizational skilz, having been a volunteer board member, minion, and coach through the years. but they have their way of doing it, they have their crew, and that’s the way it’ll be… i’ll keep to myself.

    unbearablebanishment – i meant ‘bad’ as in ‘bad quality audio’. but i love the hair and attitude she excretes in her performance.

    syncopated eyeball – no visits from mr. mills, but if i’d encountered any arrogant racist crap, i’d be swinging something more than pasty-white butt cheeks at them…

    kyknoord – of course. so long as you promise not to wax for the prior three months…

    alonewithcats – if you visit? you must either sit poolside in something at least mildly offensive, or serve as a ‘slave’, tethered on a leash to the lounge chairs…

    blazngscarlet – Gin-n-Juice? Hellz yes! And we can sing some “Oh, baby you…. you got what i neeee-eeed” to make it all come together!

    TAG – bring your speedo! if you’re in for the game, you gotta play along!

    robinaltman – welcome to “the park”, and thanks for stopping by! you have provided another route to amusement — sidewalk artistry! i could really keep them on their toes this summer! Oh, and your kids should draw REALLY BIG PENISES. no point being subtle, eh?

  9. ‘teach them to swim with bricks’ hands down favourite line of the week!

    And hey maybe while you are bathing your pasty white ass in the sun you should try singing some Pink Floyd…’we don’t need no regulations, we don’t need no thought control’….imagine what they will make of that scene!

  10. Living in God’s waiting room myself (CA version), we have 5 pools. Each a different temperature, of course. Only 1 where kids are permitted … for 2 or 3 hours / day. And no one under 4. I like the last rule…but wonder if it shouldn’t just say “no one in diapers,” since we’ve had that problem with some of the older folks!

  11. rubytwoshoes – i like happy children, playing and splashing and even howling! it’s the little whiney things that need cement shoes… yeah, i’ve forgotten when my children were whiney. happens when you get older, i think!

    stephanie – if i need to leave a car overnight at the clubhouse, i shall do so, and they can start proceedings to fine me or something. bastahds… i’ll keep asking for the form, as in “Ok, is there a form for this? Just send me the form. All i need to do is send you the form, right? Which one should i use? How many copies of the form?” you can drag these things out for months by being strategically inept….

    kathie – welcome to “the park”, and thanks for stopping by! HA! i’ll start proposing a “no diaper” rule for our pool! that’s just brilliant! if they wanna get jiggy with me on rules and regulations, i’ll just start proposing all sorts of junk regulations for the association to consider!

  12. carla – we all need a hobby! yesterday, my daughter and three of her guy friends went up there to lounge about in the early evening. i instructed the gents to wear butt-floss and behave horribly. they just couldn’t do it…

  13. “God’s Waiting Room”?
    I got up an laughed for about five minutes on that one alone.
    The place sounds like it does have some ‘senior’ issues, huh?
    I’ll join Kynoord in my mankini and shake things up a bit.
    Sun every inch of that body gurly.
    And be sure to use alot of oil.
    (there’s a youtube video waiting to be discovered there)
    You are priceless, kiddo.

  14. ~m – i’ve heard the term used to describe south florida, so it’s not entirely original to The Boy. you’re quite welcome to join the nearlynakedman harem! once the rain quits, i’ll be back at it!

  15. It’s not the noise from the toddlers at the pool but the e coli bacteria. Wait till you see what happens when six go into foreclosure, three in bankruptcy, and 12 stop paying maintenance for a $700 a month car payment. And it’s not that the old grumpies on the board are Nazis, no one wants to be on it and receivership comes along Half the condos in Florida face this and over 54,000 are for sale in Miami-Dade County alone. And I feel so isolated because just me and another guy know who Joe DiMaggio was. But that’s another story when you talk about the Arizona stuff. I’d give anything to be suffering in a house again.

  16. carl – we don’t have the same ‘condo nightmare’ that exists in south florida, but i have a sister there and she’s shared some of the problems y’all face…. i wouldn’t have minded helping out with condo business, but they turned me away. i may try again someday, but if they refuse help, then they lose their license to complain! hope things get better for you down there!

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