Unvarnished and Frightening Truth

As i made my way to the office sign out board this afternoon to signify my departure for yet another roadtrip, i shuffled like an old woman.  i even groaned when i picked up the tiny marker, mounted above the board. 

My division chief enquired as to my damages…

daisyfae:  The gym kicked my ass again today.  Pulled something in my upper back and shoulders, so i switched to a lower body bashing.  i just hurt…

DivChief:  You can’t just do anything like a normal person, can you?  It’s all or nothing…

daisyfae:  It’s just that i want to be able to add “Chin Ups” to the list of tricks i can do to win bar bets.  i can already do at least 40 push-ups on my toes.  Nobody ever expects a lumpy middle-aged chick to be able to do that…

DivChief:  Jesus, woman!  You already scare 99% of us!  You’re going for the other 1%?  Do you understand the concept of diminishing returns?

There was a brief silence as the DivChief and my Admin Assistant (also a man) exchanged that universally understood male facial expression that says “Oh, fuck.  I’ve just gone up shit creek without even a turd for a paddle…”

daisyfae: [busts out laughing]

DivChief:  [breathing sigh of relief] You know, I meant that in the most respectful way possible…

daisyfae: [lumbering slowly on stiff legs towards door, still laughing] Of course you did…

26 thoughts on “Unvarnished and Frightening Truth

  1. sweet mary sunshine, sugar! i swear, y’all have become mandatory morning reading just because of shit like this! i will be chuckling all day long! xoxoxo

  2. dolce – it was partly the discovery of a baby ‘wattle’ under my chin that got me engaged in more upper body workouts. that, and the fact that if i ONLY do push ups, i’ll get all hunched at the shoulders. needed to work upper back to… i don’t want a ‘wattle’….

    nursemyra – i suppose ‘Next!’ is not a good safeword, is it? ‘Grmphfflflf’ didn’t work well for David Carradine…

    FJ – “Buckaroo” it is! if that doesn’t clear a bar full of lesbitarians, i don’t know what will!

    savannah – so glad i can make you laugh! this has all been just ‘keeping the keyboard warm’ as things in the trailer park had been pretty good. until yesterday… (sigh)…. i’ll be back to my regularly scheduled programming shortly!

    unbearable banishment – seriously? he’s right. i DO scare men. but if a man is that easily frightened by a strong woman? we’re not going to get along well, so it works as a reasonable filter i suppose. and yes, i can do 40+ push ups. Not timed, though. And not with my current bum shoulder… going to rest it the entire week and see how it feels monday.

  3. I’m still picturing the 40 push up on your toes as a bar trick. That’s impressive.Sorry to hear about the. body pain. Ive been having my own time of it I’m thinking it was a gym injury as well. Slow to heal back pain.

  4. stephanie – but it has never been my intention to frighten anyone. just a byproduct of being fiercely independent. what can i say? i think they’re just a bunch of pussies… but if i were totally awesome? i wouldn’t walk like such a gimp.

    starla – it’s fun. only done it for a beer once – have to wait for the right moment when the guys are all boasting and bragging about which of them can do more, and i just say “i’m in. what’s the bet?”

    kyknoord – tis a guideline. but then again? they’re a bunch of pussies, so it might still be a law…

    jimmy – not a practicing lesbitarian, but if the men around me keep acting like a bunch of pussies then i may have no choice!

    manuel – he’s, in fact, wonderful. and the fact that he called me out on it tells me that he’s one of the 1%…

  5. Oh I understand, i really miss challenging people to an arm wrestle and reveling in their crestfallen and baffled faces as the skinny ass white chick just nailed them – oh, they were the days when I was a bright and shiny strong aerialist, now I can barely hoist my own ass out of a chair….I blame childbirth

  6. I call it the pussification of America Ms. Daisy and Stephen Marche wrote a great piece pertaining to it in this month’s Esquire which though it tries to be manly is still a pussified magazine, thing is i like strong women though i noticed sometimes strong women have taken a disliking to me, i believe this stems from the fact that most men these days smell good and cry alot and need a mommy not a partner, fuck that shit, i’m fiercely independent and think the world needs more Hemingway’s and not Jonathon Safran Foer or Johnnie Franzen, for fuck sake men these days need to grow some balls.

  7. I’m quite partial to amazon women. If shit goes down I want her at my side throwing down, not standing back and pointing and saying “Go get ’em, Ray!”*

    *actual name is not Ray, I just like that line in Ghostbusters.

  8. rob – i’m looking for a local yoga studio that isn’t ‘trendy’ and all that… i could try it at home with a dvd, but i don’t think that’s what i need. the nearest studio that seems right is about 20 minutes away – and might become my saturday morning thing…

    ruby – aerialist? seriously, that is come cool history you’re packing there! we all are motivated by our own demons, and it seems you and i share this particular (and weird) one… the art of surprise is big ol’ fun!

    kono – on more than a few recent occasions, i have been told that ‘most men’ find me a bit intimidating – and i believe it. but if a man is scared off by my strength and independence? he’s really going to get on my nerves at some point. i’m not a ‘fixer upper’, not a ‘rescue chick’. apparently some men find satisfaction in that… yet another reason why i’m fully prepared to fly solo until i get to the big dirt nap…

    carlae – he was funny this morning at work. checked in again to make sure i wasn’t offended… told him i laughed my ass off all the way to the airport, then blogged it that night… got a funny look from him. ha!

    silverstar – i’m going to start claiming “farm accident” or “fell off the roof” or stuff like that. maybe “got injured cow tipping”… so much more interesting than gym injuries…

    uncle keith – what choice will i have? pussies everywhere. as kono said “The Pussification of America” is leading to the “Lesbianification of daisyfae”.

    renalfailure – well. that’s one. nice to know there are still a few of you out there… (sigh)

  9. Pingback: Hell Week Happy Ending « Trailer Park Refugee

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