Variation on a Theme

“Women’s League”

For me, those two words conjure up a messy pile of ambivalence.  “Do-ers of Good Deeds” is at the top of the list, alongside “Toxic Estrogen-Fueled Politics”.  Because of the former, i am willing to spend an afternoon dealing with exposure to the latter, and attend the local Women’s League Annual Luncheon.

Never mind that my friend DK could ask me to lie on a bed of broken glass while having ‘relations’ with Bea Arthur’s decomposing penis for a good cause, and i’d think about it.  She has that power…

Having attended last year, i had a better idea of how to prepare for the event this year.  Themed luncheon, raising money for scholarships through raffles of cleverly prepared and donated baskets.  No bar.  Short entertainment program, along with a tiny bit of self-congratulation and effusive thanking.  No bar.

Last year, i packed in a flask of whiskey, only to discover that the choices for drinks were water, iced tea and coffee.  This year?  The bar was enhanced to compliment the choices offered…

That is a shot of my purse.  Left to right – flask of whisky, Kahlua, Bailey’s and Godiva liquers, large water bottle carrying a mixture of raspberry vodka, apple schnapps, triple sec, sour mix and a splash of cranberry juice.  To those who said i learned nothing from my brief stint in the Girl Scouts?  Bite me.  i was prepared.

Since i shared from the flask last year with a couple of local politicians, the gents had asked DK prior to the luncheon if i would be as prepared this year.   When the politicos seek you out for gentle debauchery at a Women’s League luncheon, you have achieved…. well, i’m not sure.  But i felt special.

Throughout the luncheon, the two of them would stop by, leave a half-empty glass of iced tea on my table and say “could you watch my drink?  I’ll be right back…”.  Returning to a tasty modification, they each pulled this trick a couple times.  My friend the Judge Wannabe was at their table.  When i explained the “offerings” he vaporized in a flash.  One of the elder-politicians simply said “He’s campaigning.  Needs to be more careful.”

So we slurped our way through the speeches, the entertainment (“and now, my daughter Felicia will play the recorder for you”), and enjoyed lunch with friends at the table.  The main event, however, is the basket raffle.  About forty baskets full of themed goodies – everything from “Spa Treatments” and “Gourmet Delights”, to “Family Game Night” and “Grandma’s Play Date”. 

Since it’s for a good cause, i dumped a bit of scratch on raffle tickets.  Having won a lovely wine bucket, with champagne, last year, i was  not screwing around with “Manicure Basket” and “Garden Goodies”.  Oh, no.  Of the forty baskets, only two had multiple bottles of wine… 

All of the baskets were lovingly prepared and donated.  People expended time and resources to create these.  Clearly, some were far more popular than others – and you could see women dropping “sympathy tickets” into some of the more lame baskets, so the creator wouldn’t feel slighted.

Fuck that.  The two wine baskets each got about half of my tickets….

WIN!  “Wines From (Almost) Every Continent” is now resting comfortably on my dining room table.  i may be a lush, but i understand probability and statistics…

31 thoughts on “Variation on a Theme

  1. My first thought was: “What a quaint culture.”, but the “sympathy ticket” thing? Garnered a chuckle. The culmination of the whole “self esteem” movement that has swept the primary education and made it virtually impossible to tell those who suck that they do, in fact, suck.

    Congrats on the wine win and, I suppose, on the firm establishment of a reputation.

  2. rob – my thought is that if you reinforce the behavior of the makers of LAME baskets, they shall continue to fabricate LAME baskets. If anyone in the Women’s League bothers to do the forensics to see which baskets generate the most income (via raffle tickets), they’d know that BOOZE and CHOCOLATE are the big winners… and yes, the other basket i bid on had chocolate and wine… and i remain a legend with these two politicos. they both were instrumental in my last two fundraising gigs (skate park and theater), so i need to keep them happy for whatever lies ahead…

    kyknoord – the gents were, of course, worried about being slipped date rape drugs and needed someone to keep an eye on the iced tea. those women’s leaguers are scary…

    timm – thanks for stopping by! your photos are breathtaking, and i’ll be sure to wander back when i have more time!

    savannah – it’s an expandable purse – folds in half for routine use, but doubles in size when needed. very handy for shopliftingping, i suppose…. i’ve used it for travel in the past, this was its first experience as a mobile bar. likely not the last…

    tNb – “grandma’s play date” probably had bubbles, and play doh, and cute books with petable animals. if i’d made it? there’d have been an elephant-sized tranquilizer gun, and a bottle of brandy…

    renalfailure – true. at a tech conference held in Utah, i was pissed off that there wasn’t going to be beer at the reception. i loaded up the sleeves of my shirt with small bottles of rum and jack daniels, then shot them out of my cuffs when someone needed a drink. it’s not the act of getting drunk – it’s the right to drink that i defend. yeah. i’m a lush.

    syncopated eyeball – honestly? i didn’t even look at most of the other baskets. had a friend there ahead of me, and he’d already scouted the ‘good ones’, so since i was running late, i just looked at the names…

    chris – i am a good time. not much else, but a good time.

    manuel – i am a woo hoo. not much else, but a woo hoo.

  3. The last time someone I know went on a “grandpa’s play date,” grandpa got in some real hot water and wasn’t aloud to play again for some time…

    Congrats on the wine win! Wish I could come over for a tasting!

  4. I like your style when it come to being the Macgyver of mobile bar offerings. A thermos of martini’s is not out of the question and never to big for a sizable handbag.

  5. Farkin’ hate those estro infested gatherings. There is WAY too much simpering and passive aggressive posturing. Pah! It just MAKES me misbehave

  6. fragrant liar – yeah, i may have gotten a grampa or two in trouble myself! 😉 one bottle is already missing in action from the bucket. hmmm…

    carlae – i hate carrying a purse, and will avoid it at all costs. carry only a small one when i absolutely have to… this one, however, came in pretty handy for the job at hand!

    nursemyra – yellowtail pinot grigot. meh…. it’s ok. and that’s the bottle that has already been opened…

    dolce – yeah. my friend hangs with them for the major public relations boost and networking opportunity for the theater board. it’s a price of doing business. but they do good deeds, damn it. the forced misbehavior is a survival skill….

  7. I luuurve your style – not trailer park at all given you omitted southern comfort and coke (that is what we used to sneak waaaay back in the day, cuz we were classy like that…)

  8. Fab prize! Husband and I would enjoy that one!

    I think I need to re-examine the contents of my handbag. They seem dull and boring compared to yours! You were indeed prepared for every eventuality!

  9. “When the politicos seek you out for gentle debauchery at a Women’s League luncheon, you have achieved…. well, i’m not sure. But i felt special.”

    Can we expect to see you in the center of a scandal on CNN?

  10. unbearable banishment – i drank the raspberry vodka mix in my iced tea. the liquers were for others who were drinking coffee. the whisky was in case there were any purists in the group who like it straight up… no sir, i do NOT mix alcohol food groups!

    ruby – thank you! i upgraded to crown royal for this event, but my whisky of choice is generally the good Dr. Jack Daniels. that’s pretty trailer park! and yes, i’ve done southern comfort in my coffee before… just like janis joplin used to do!

    s.le – the purse was custom for this event. usually? scraps of paper, atm slips, scribbled post-it notes with nothing useful written on them, candy wrappers and empty travel-sized bottles of hand lotion are all that ride in my purse….

    stephanie – i am a trained professional. have actually smuggled booze into far too many non-drinking events to admit…

    uncle keith – nope. these two are all right. functional, non-bible thumping fiscal conservatives who always get my vote… they rallied around the skater punks and the theater dorks when i needed them, so they’ve got my undying support. politics. it isn’t always about dirty bathroom sex tapes…

  11. gotta love a woman who understands probability and statistics especially when it comes to winning booze… any good at the track there Ms. Daisy?

  12. FJ – As they started to say out on the interwebz after Bea Arthur died: NOW who’s dick won’t i fuck her with?

    kono – believe it or not, i don’t gamble much. slots are a tax on people who are bad at math, blackjack and poker require you to count cards to some degree (and i don’t have the attention span for that). betting on the ponies? i don’t know anything about it, and would just end up picking them by the goofiest name…

  13. silverstar – Amaretto on ice cream! THAT would have made the dessert far better… next year, for sure!

    rassles – i’m a complete and total fuck up. but i’m a good time…

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