Sand Witch

It’s quite pleasant here… a technical workshop in the Caribbean.  Lots of time for “break out” sessions.  That means “break out your swimsuit, folks, ’cause we’re done working for the day”. 

Definitely my kind of meeting…

This afternoon, i grabbed a book, my blackberry* and some sunscreen and headed toward the private beach.  i had spotted some lovely hammocks, tied to a small collection of giant palm trees.  They were screaming my name…

Settled in for a restful afternoon, thinking deep technical thoughts, of course.  The surf was crashing and the sun grazed my skin through the shade of the palm fronds above as a stiff wind blew off the ocean.

As i put the book down, giving myself over to “eyelid gravity syndrome”, i heard someone poking around the hammock nearest mine.  Quick glance over… 30-something dude in a polo shirt, water sandals and cargo shorts.  Baseball cap with some university logo… He climbed into his hammock.

i returned to my deep technical thoughts.  He decided this was a lovely time to make some phone calls to the office…

Douchey McBusinessdick had very important business to attend to.  First, he called Diane at the home office to explain why he was going to have to have a talk with Rhonda.  “I’ve let this go too long, and she’s just not working out.  Seriously, I gotta do something or we’re fucked”.  On and on and on…

i threw some particularly evil glares over my shoulder.  They were ignored**.  This very important and loud man showed no signs of shutting up.

After explaining “the situation” to Diane, he decided to call Barbara, while telling Diane to give Denise a call to tip her off to the coming shitstorm.  “She never fucking shows up!  She’s got a job to do, but if she’s not there, she’s not doing her job!”

Seeing as the glares aren’t working, and i didn’t have a cell phone jammer (or a large wooden baseball bat), i decided to talk to him directly to see if he even noticed he was bothering me…

“Jeesus H. Krispies!  If i worked for a douchenozzle like you?  i wouldn’t show up for work either!”

Nope.  No reaction.  Guy was truly oblivious…  It’s funny, but i had no problem listening to the noise of the children playing on the beach, or couples in quiet conversation a few hammocks over, but the prattle of this self-important ass-jacket was really getting on my tits…

i finally gave up trying to snooze, and decided to pack it in for the day.  As i swung out of the hammock, i dropped one of my towels.  If i had been a cartoon character, a light bulb would have appeared over my head – and i quickly dropped my other towel in the sand as i collected my gear to return to my room.

After energetically stomping both towels into the sand, i bent to pick them up – time to return them to the service desk! Seeing as i was located upwind of Douchey – it looked a bit like a Sahara sandstorm as i shook them out…  Poor guy.  Got a face full of sand, he did. 


*My feeble attempt to stay connected to the office.  It’s not like they’re going to call me with a ‘research emergency’, but guilt does funny things to the mind…

** My KINGDOM for a cell phone jammer.  Just like Captain Jammer, i should have zapped this motherfucker into next week… this may have been the deciding moment – i must buy one of my own….

24 thoughts on “Sand Witch

  1. fragrant liar – yes, i was a ‘karma delivery system’…. i should put that on my unitard, or at least into my theme music!

    bad driver – he was passionately angry. perhaps a bit more angry than a boss should have been at an invisible employee… personally? there are a few folks i prefer NOT showing up at the office…

    DP – somehow, i thought this would be right up your alley!

    nursemyra – well. shortsheet or find a head? ok. will see what i can come up with… kinda hoping i run into him again on the beach… there is a need to ‘shake my butt in the endzone’ (an american football term – NOT a euphemism).

  2. if you cross paths again and he’s on the phone, try active jamming instead of passive jamming… sing a song loudly and off key. something like “I Like Big Butts” or “Feelings” or “The Sponge Bob Theme Song”.

  3. Hammocks are very tippy. Amazing how gentle a nudge would have dumped this dickhead into the sand.

    Nice play on the “sandstorm” though. Bravo.

  4. I’m with Jimmy! You should have grabbed it out of his hands and smashed it against the armrest. What could he have done!? Jeeze I hate guys (and gals) like that.

    How did you manage to find employment that allows you these luxurious “workshops?” What luck! Were you Joan of Arc in your last life?

  5. I would have added to the sandstorm by turning around, apologizing profusely in the most sickeningly sweet voice I could muster as I took the still sandy towels over to “brush” him off and “accidentally” flip him out of the hammock.
    Hopefully face first.

    Just an idea.

  6. gnukid – i like the way you think! next time? a rousing chorus (or two or three or seventy) of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”!

    stephanie – oh, yeah… i could have just panhandled quarters off him til he left! this is good!

    kono – how can people be that oblivious? how rude? how doucheriffic?

    chris – as a matter of fact, everyone i know who is NOT at this meeting has reminded me that i completely and totally suck. thanks for piling on!

    savannah – mother nature gets the assist on this one…

    jimmy – i’ve got a good arm, but it would have been into the wind, and might have blown back and hit the poor man in the face… hmmm…

    rob – in hindsight, that would have been the nicest finishing touch imaginable. attempt to brush the sand off him and accidently toss him… ms. scarlet has the right idea!

    unbearable banishment – what did i do to deserve this? THAT, my friend, is the million dollar question. i know it’s going to end. i know that there will be some serious darkness ahead of me – the universe has a way of evening things out, and i get increasingly nervous as my streak of good fortune continues…

    sonny – tis true. he has been the ONLY one i’ve seen so far being that stupid. the hotel lobby bar has a few, but on the water? puh-LEEEEZE!

    blazng scarlet – oh, i like the way you folks think! almost has me hoping for a chance at at ‘do-over’…

    manuel – taken as high praise from a waiter!

    syncopated eyeball – thank you, ms. eyeball! just know that i’m crazy…

  7. Ha! I love it. I was at the park with the grandkids once when a woman near the playground equipment took a call on her cell phone, walked over and stood next to the bench where I was sitting while she loudly talked on the goddamn phone. What…it wouldn’t work anywhere else in the 5 acre park? She yakked for 10 mins. before I got up and moved away. She went on for an additional half hour. I was praying for a flock of pigeons to roost over her, but no luck.

  8. texastrailerparktrash – do they think talking on a cellphone makes them invisible? gives them superpowers? i use my cellphone, but damn it, i excuse myself if i take/make a call – and will igonre the damn thing if it can wait (or if i’m at a cash register, or in conversation, or…). yeah.

    blaiser – ‘doucherati’. i’m swiping that one!

  9. cool, every time I read one of your post I think….’this sounds like someone who would be my friend’.

    How can I love and hate people all in the same sentence?

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