Honest (S)crap

It’s been a challenging few weeks, here in my little corner of the trailer park.  Lots of things i need to hoark up, but the blocks of time available have been short and infrequent for proper cogitation and hoarkage… 

As my writing brain went into ‘local lock out’ mode,  i was tickled to be given an “Honest Scrap” award from silverstar.  It hails from places unknown, as healingmagichands found when she tried to backtrack the origins. 

As is always the case, with privilege and recognition comes responsibility.  There are two things i must do:

1) Tag people.  i’m not big on taggants, so i’ll just toss out a challenge – “Hey.  You lurkers out there.  C’mon, you know who you are…  either blog it on your supersecret blog, or de-lurk and post something about yourself in the comments.  i know you’re out there.  Or there are about 10 people who visit my blog – a lot.

2) List 10 interesting – and little known – nuggets about myself.  Well.  Let’s just rename the award “Honest Crap”, shall we?

1.  i have monkey toes.  It’s genetic.  i got them from my father.  His “index” toe was as long as my finger.  Mom bitched a blue streak about “keeping that man in socks”.  How to use this gift?  i can pick up coins with my feet.  Won some bar bets that way…

2.  Sadly, it wasn’t even on a dare –  i have licked a Ferrari

3.  In my professional travels, i hang with a group of middle-aged gentlemen – “The Dawg Boyz”.  We are known for raucous behavior at whatever conference we are attending.  This, on occasion, involves adult entertainment establishments.  Amongst these wizened and preternaturally horny old goats, i am known as “#1” for my bulletproof track record of finding the best club in any city – domestic or international*.

4.  In 2001**, i lost most of my hair.  That sucked.  Due to a reaction to medication, my hair fell out in clumps.  While not completely bald, my hair was so thin i was forced to pull it into a small knot on the back of my head to cover my scalp.  My secretary saved the day – finding me crying at my desk, weeping into another wad of my former hair that had just come out in my hands.  She said “Get your purse, we’re going out to buy you some fucking hair”.  She dragged me to a kiosk at the local mall that sold “Snap-On Hair”.  Who knew? 

5.  Growing up i was a big-ass chicken.  The last kid to try the rope swing, the only one who never to climbed to the top of the tree fort, the one too afraid sneak into Tammy’s storage shed to look at her dad’s old porn collection…

6.  Voted “Most Likely To Be Found Dead In A Gutter” in the unofficial high school poll.  It was a small sampling, i believe, but those who voted for me were paying attention…

7.   It doesn’t phase me in the least to speak in public.  The “fear of embarrassing myself” plague passed me by.  However, i will sweat like a piggie if i might embarrass someone else…  Like, my boss.  Or co-workers who are counting on me. 

8.  Despite my apparent daredevil ways, i have a paralyzing fear of heights.  A friend, training for a run through the Grand Canyon***, talked me into climbing Camelback Mountain (Phoenix).  Rather than hold him back (he was running up, down, and then back, as part of his training), i suggested we split up.  He ran ahead, and i plodded along.  About halfway up, i hit a stretch of boulders – near a sharp drop off – and i froze.  i was there for perhaps 30 minutes – many people stopped to offer help, but i said “oh, i’m fine – just enjoying the view”.   Finally was able to scoot on my ass back down until i got back to the path… 

9.  Nothing specific, but i don’t like babies.  Pictures of babies are cute, but until a human being is walking, thinking, talking and able to manage bodily functions unassisted?  i’ll pass.  “Would you like to hold the baby, daisyfae?”  “No… not really…”

10.  i tried to come up with 10 things people might find interesting about me.  Every item on this list represents something about me that either annoyed my ex-husband, or that he found blatantly uninteresting…  He’s a good guy, but for the life of me, i can’t remember anything he liked about me… i’m pretty sure we’re both better off apart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* It is still the subject of heated debate who was responsible for getting us trapped in a Turkish brothel disguised as a dance club, located in Lyon, France.  i am still blaming the taxi driver, but others are convinced i was responsible… 

** That was the same year my weight topped out at about 250 pounds.  i was one damn fine sexy round bald woman…. 

*** To celebrate his 49th birthday, this dork ran from the south rim, to the north rim, and back.  52 miles – down a mile in elevation, up a mile and a quarter, and then back.  Did it in something like 18 hours – only took that long because he pulled a hamstring on the way back.

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Honest (S)crap

  1. Factoids from a Jenuine lurker:

    1: I’m a shameless homebody. I like being at my house; it’s why I bought it.
    2: I talk like a trucker while driving. Why do idiot drivers follow ME around?
    3: I’m 38 and I’ve worked for the same company for 15 years. I love all the
    guys I work with, they’re like family…. but when the $$ offer from a customer
    overcomes my inertia and laziness, I’ll bail in a heartbeat.
    4: farts make me giggle. Mine, yours, doesn’t matter.
    5: I’ve had a diminished sense of smell for about 5 years now. I’m still a rockin’ cook but subtly is no longer an option. And BO now smells like garlic, or vice versa. Cheap perfumes still give me a headache.
    6: I can go from quiet, reserved and shy to the gregarious, slightly loud, comic of the dinner party – just add booze.
    7: I don’t like babies either! Learn some words, then you interest me.
    8: I’ve likely spent too much time worrying about what to post. I can have oddly-timed bouts of self-consciousness.
    9: I like to touch things. I’m very tactile.
    10: I don’t wash my hands after using the bathroom. I’m quite adept with toilet paper, thanks.
    11: I love your blog and visit often.

  2. savannah – impressive? i think it’s kinda pathetic… i’m really just a very, very lucky redneck… not much more.

    jenuine – YAY! Thank you for sharing a little of yourself here – nice to know you a little bit! And somehow, i’m certain #4 and #5 are related! (i love farts and potty humor as well. i seem to be a 12 year old boy stuck in the body of a 47 year old woman!). and #9 – i bet you had a baby blanket with the satin edge. i had two that i wore down to blanket molecules by playing with that blanket edge…

    nursemyra – it’s true. i was a big ol’ scaredy cat. well, i did eventually go in to look at the porn collection. what 8 year old wouldn’t?

    DP – definitely a ‘geographical humor’ sort of thing. had to be there… the owner has not let me forget that, either, and is nervous when i’m around his vehicles…

  3. My name’s Kono and i like to lurk…

    1. I’m a derelict
    2. I’ve tried almost every drug known to man, some of them more than once.
    3. I like babies, so-called adults fucking annoy me with all their yapping.
    4. I like and miss the old peep shows my city had before the Puritans took over, the ones with the phone and the window goes up and you put in tokens and there’s nothing else in the room but a paper towel dispenser and a garbage can.
    5. I went to my first strip club at 17.
    6. I was asked out on a date by a stripper in that same strip club when i was 17. I told her i was 20.
    7. My favorite job ever was making french fries at the beach, it was hot and shitty and you worked an hour and got an hour off and in the hour off i smoked much weed and went to the bar to drink beer and play foosball.
    8. I used to be a scary criminal type but now i’m all soft and cuddly.
    9. If i believed in heaven i’d want it to look something like the Red Light district in Amsterdam.
    10. I try to remain sober when playing the horses or writing. Sometimes that doesn’t happen though.
    11. Someday i’ll buy you a drink while we sit in my favorite dive and eat potato skins with bacon and sour cream.

    cheers.

  4. This is excellent information. You would make a great character in a book. Probably a contemporary fiction drama. Or maybe a horror story – something by Koontz. Yeah. 3,4 and 9 are the most unique, I think.

  5. I would write some scrap, but we share most of these, anyway. The number of things we have in common creeps me out a little. It’s also aggravating and sort of cool. I have never licked a Ferrari, though.

  6. kono – you are no derelict! drinking and whoring do NOT make you a derelict… i’d like to take you up on #11, and if i’ve got wheels? i’ll drive you to State College where we can visit “The End Zone”. Used to know a dancer there…

    writerdood – pulp fiction. science fiction. horror fiction. yep. i’m a complete flake. but the luckiest goddamned flake ever since the beginning of all time…

    chris – i’ve noticed the similarities, and yeah, just an eeensy bit creepy. my guess, however, is that i have larger breasts…

  7. i enjoyed reading your 10 things we don’t know. daisyfae, the more i know about you the more i realize you are just the kind of person i’d like to hang out with!

    when i got to #10 though i wasn’t convinced that you are really sure you and your ex are better apart but maybe that’s just me…..

  8. My water broke in the passenger seat of our 912 Porsche.

    (My ex got the car in the divorce. I got the ’67 VW with the bald tires.)

    I didn’t use to like other people’s babies, but now that I’m a grandma and the grandkids are ages 7 to almost 13, I have baby lust. Maybe because I know there aren’t going to be anymore. But I love how the top of their heads smell….heaven.

    Oh, and I got knocked up grad night 1965. But that’s another story….

  9. 1. I have a mole on my left hand sprouting two hairs that as a child I would bite off. 2. I can wiggle my ears. 3. Once I had Typhoid. 4. Today I am having a garage sale. 5. I am very introverted and shun crowded places. 6. Despite smoking too many cigarettes I have an excellent sense of smell. 7. I find crocheting very calming. 8. Procrastination haunts me. 9. I am a terrible house-keeper. 10. I like and make lists.

  10. manuel – they are not quite opposable toes, but i’m still working on it…

    fundamental jelly – welcome to “the park” and thanks for stopping by! i’ve enjoyed your photos on occasion, but haven’t commented. any friend of nursemyra and ms. eyeball is a friend of mine. oh, and anyone who’s puked in a lamborghini? bonus…

    lynn – i’m just a party girl… a good time, and not much more. looking forward to your list! not so much that i wanted to stay with my ex, i just hate breaking promises, and that ’til death do us part’ promise is a biggie…

    Bb – thank you. it’s the strip club thing, isn’t it?

    texastrailertrash – woo hoo! there are some stories there, no doubt! i’m still planning to do the photo-meme you tagged me with, but i needed to force myself to sit down and write first…

    syncopated eyeball – my daughter used to wiggle her ears inadvertently when she was eating something yummy. it still cracks me up! i, too, am an awful housekeeper, so i’m now focused on getting rid of stuff that requires cleaning or organizing… less stuff = easier house keeping!

  11. 1) I have been known to poach Ruffed Grouse on posted Mining Company Land. That was probably 25 years ago now.

    2) I have a fetish for pregnant women, and acted upon it, twice.

    3) I passed the Maryland Real Estate Exam, but I didn’t get my license because I’m too lazy to sell real estate.

    4) I played one round of Russian Roulette…Yes, I survived.

    5) I have eaten grubs and crickets. I have also eaten live grasshoppers and tadpoles.

    6) In my high school advanced biology class, I dissected a rat with no instruments, except my barehands to win a bet.

    7) I am allergic to the sting of yellow jackets.

    8) I have been biten by six separate species of snake.

    9) I used to sell science fair projects in High School. My sophomore year, I was one of a group of four nerds that entered a project under the name Herschel Bernardi, and we won Third Prize.

    10) I was on academic probabtion my first semester at college, with a whopping grade point average of 1.08.

  12. uncle keith – you’re special. very, very special. “grubs and crickets”? Renfield? and i wish i’d come up with the idea to sell science fair projects – brilliant! And i’m stunned you weren’t busted for using the name of the “Hardest Working Man in 1960’s Television”, Herschel Bernardi, on that project!

  13. We were too. He was doing ‘Fiddler’ at the Kennedy Center, and the commercial was constantly on TV. The head of the science department had to read the winners during the morning announcements the Monday after the fair. When he got to our phony, he started laughing over the PA system. We never got into any trouble from the science department. I think they admired our skills. The Principal wasn’t happy, though.

  14. UK – we are either twins separated at birth, or should be getting busy exchanging body fluids soon… shit. that’s just funny. our ‘nerd herd’ hijacked the daily announcements once with a phony “International Club Trip to the Congo”. Things like “All students traveling with the International Club to the Belgian Congo please see Nurse Stevens for Yellow Fever shots during lunch period today”…. took “the authorities” about 2 weeks to shut us down…

  15. Loved the list. I’m with you on a couple of your items.
    #1 I don’t have exceptionally long toes, but I do practice picking things off the floor with my toes. Just in case I lose an arm in a logging accident. Nope. I’m not a logger, but one should always be prepared.
    #9. I abhor babies. Until they can at least develop neck muscles and hold up their own head, I don’t want anything to do with them. Wait. Even after that, I avoid them like the plague.

  16. uncle keith – hmmm…. let me think about that….. ummm….. no. even with my genetics, can’t do it….

    squirrelqueen – exactly! you never know when you’ll suffer a logging accident, or have an accident with large industrial equipment of some sort! be prepared…

  17. I like your list. I came by from the award you gave to Trippin with Rip. Number 8 I thought I was the only one who froze because of fear of heights. I froze walking over a metal bridge it wasn’t even that high up. I couldn’t move, people just kept passing me. An older lady paused on a step I asked her if she was afraid of heights too. She said no she has a bad heart so together one step at a time we climbed the stairs together and walked over the bridge.

  18. starlaschat – thanks for stopping by the trailer park! i am also very strongly freaked out by metal stairs that you can see through – had to exit a building onto a fire escape made of that stuff – WHILE WEARING HEELS – and about had a stroke… and yes, one step at a time (or looking upward) is the only way through it. cool that you found a buddy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s