Pasteurized….

i don’t get sick.  Seriously, i have – for reasons unknown to me – developed the immune system of a cockroach during the course of my life.  In the past ten years, i can COUNT the number of times i’ve been sick.  A bout with strep 10 years ago, a few rounds of the pesky 24-hour stomach virus (one delightfully timed to coincide with Girl Scout Cookie deliveries).  Mononucleosis, contracted in the Cambodian jungle trip in 2006 (initially mistaken for Malaria).

Head colds?  Rare.  Maybe twice.  That was until this season.  i have had the same fucking cold – passed to others for mutation prior to return to my nasal cavities – THREE times.  It’s a minor annoyance, and costs me about $10 in Kleenex each time.  But i’m sick of it.  Since November, my head has been weighed down with extraneous lugubrious secretions and i can’t stand it…

Friday night, returning from a happy hour drunk fest work, both of my children were home.  i made the mistake of whining about being sick, as i curled up under a blanket in the living room.

The Boy:  Wow.  She’s really starting to fall apart…

The Girl:  Really.  Do you think it’s time we had her put down?

The Boy:  Yeah… starting to get pathetic, isn’t she?

daisyfae:  Hey!  It’s a fucking cold!  But you know i don’t get sick… how many times have you seen me sick?

The Girl:  Should we take her for a ride in the country?

The Boy:  C’mon, Mom!  It’ll be nice!  We’ll take you out to a field, where you can frolic around with a lot of other middle-aged women…

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32 thoughts on “Pasteurized….

  1. I think we birthed the same children.

    This has been a particularly BAD season here as well.
    Even my oldest, the one that no self-respecting germ would LIVE on has been sick 3 times this year!
    I won’t even get started on me and the youngest.

    It HAS to end!
    But until then …. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. Tell them that it is fine that you and them take a drive out into the country and make sure that they get out of the car first. When they are out of the car, drive away and leave them there. It will help them remember that you are the brains and they are youth. Make them suffer a bit then come back for them. Life skills and experience, will beat youth any day of the week.

  3. I, too, am strong like ox and *never* get sick until last year when a month-long head cold nearly made me lose my snotty marbles. So I figure that’s me good for another 10 years.

    Never mind the ungrateful bastards, just kill the germs with a gallon of brandy and you’ll be right as rain by Friday … 😉

  4. At least you know you don’t have to worry about them leaving you in a coma for years. Though you might want to be careful about sleeping too late from here out. I’ve had a cold for the last week, and it su-u-u-u-u-ucks. I blame you. But on the helpful side, two words. Sinus irrigation. Oh, and Breathe Right strips. And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Wait, I’ll come in again.

  5. “We’ll take you out to a field, where you can frolic around with a lot of other middle-aged women…”

    Hmmm.

    Don’t fall for it, Daisyfae! Lilith Fair isn’t until Summer!

  6. Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Shall we call the authorities?

    Now, I’m off to find a spoon so I can rid my mind’s eye of the image of middle-aged women as they frolic in a field.

  7. this just sounds like a sitcom. i love it.

    as for the vomiting timed with G.S. cookies, i think i would stash them in a climate-controlled safe somewhere out in the woods where no one (the boy and girl) could access them until vomiting was over. if anyone lays a finger on my thin mint or somoa… look out.

  8. I’ve read your blog for over a year now and thought I don’t comment, this one seemed like a good reason to start. Love it. Always something to ponder or laugh at. That, and Rob’s comment … 🙂

  9. Ah yes, the joys of having bright children. I know that feeling well. And I can imagine almost the exact same conversation coming from my son and daughter.

    Nursemyra has the solution. Just tell them you are sure to meet a nice man in the country to whom you can leave everything. No doubt this nice man from the country will have plenty of spawn of his own with an average IQ of 75.

    Ah yes, the kids think they know it all. They just dont know how devious us older (not old) folks can be. 😀

    TAG

    PS: Get to feeling better really soon.

  10. blazngscarlet – Trade?

    nursemyra – Will? i’m leaving everything to Mr. Pickles. With caveats that if he doesn’t live until he’s 20, then everything goes to Naked Mole Rat Rescue… Fuck ’em.

    alljoedirt – i like the way you think. Did i already say “Fuck ’em”?

    tNb – have been treating it with bourbon and single malt scotch, but the germs prevail. i think i need crack…

    DP – ah, but if that’s the case, then why are you… oh… wait… never mind. he’s in portugal, right? maybe mine will leave the country and i’ll be safe, too…

    chris – oh, no. life support? huh? burn up cash on an electric bill for my little royals? oh, i could never do that… i know the joy of “breathe right”, drink nyquil like it’s koolaid. that pope thing? ummm… i’ll get back to you on that…

    sally – i don’t go to lillith. i went once, and there were catfights in the parking lot as the women were trying to load their belongings into my truck…

    stephanie – she’s a funny, funny woman… damn her for moving to germany to avoid drinking with me on tuesdays!

    unbearable banishment – your girls are beautiful, and will find a multitude of ways to tear your heart from your chest. threatening to ‘off’ you will be the least of your troubles. and by the way, what’s a “Bengal”?

    kono – mine make me laugh. a lot. has saved their lives on more than one occasion.

    ~m – i am being punished. i am quite certain i deserve this! still full of snot, and heading for an airport in the morning… grrr…

    mongolliangirl – their dad is pretty funny too, so they come by it ‘dual strength’. we laugh a lot. beats the alternatives!

    writerdood – oooh! great idea! the Taser isn’t working out so well. requires aim…

    rob – use a spork. it’s quicker… and as sally suggests, avoid all variations of “lillith fair”. you’ll need a chainsaw…

    dave – i’m fortunate that even in the darkest piles of poo, we have generally laughed our way through it… and yes, i hide the thin mints. they are mine, mine, MINE!

    girl, unpinned – welcome, unpinned girl! thanks for commenting… i’m just venting my spleen in the ether, and it’s always nice to know that others find something useful (or at least distracting) as they watch me strangle my demons…

    jimmy – we once devised a way to dodge telemarketers that involved my (then) young son answering the phone and saying “Mom’s not here right now…. Mom… MOOOOOOOM! No! Don’t throw the whiskey bottle at me, i was just answering the phone for you…” I’m thinking his reflexes are still pretty good…

    syncopated eyeball – we do laugh a lot. or i’d have been in jail years ago for unspeakable parental horrors!

    manuel – my dog will defend me…. um… right? Mr. Pickles? Hellooooo?

    TAG – they aren’t serious… probably… well, i’m not getting in a car with either of them anytime soon, just in case…

  11. turnabout, dear lady. your kids will be getting sick at some point. be sure they wake to the vision of you holding a body bag or some such. or remind them, even if it’s not true, that you’re the beneficiary on their insurance policies and you have access to exotic chemicals from work. nonetheless, i admire the hell out of them for their impromptu teamwork (unless it’snot really impromptu and they’ve been planning this for some time… yeah, don’t get in any cars with them soon…).

  12. gnu – great idea! mutually assured destruction! i need to create some fake insurance policies on the li’l fuckers….

    uk – they do it all the time. i always considered it like the “Royal ‘We'”, but now i’m not so sure….

  13. you seem to time your illnesses well. s-l-o-w down a bit….probably better hold off on the booze a couple of days. seriously, i hope you’re feeling better soon daisyfae.

  14. uncle keith – pits. legs. lips and chins. don’t know what you’re talking about 🙂

    lynn – been traveling. nothing drives a sinus infection into the brain like time on an airplane. ugh. doc in the morning…

    surfie – welcome to the park, and thanks for stopping by…. they are both pretty good at math. i think your friend is right. need to explain the value of their current ‘subsidized’ existence before they go putting arsenic in my ‘granny chow’…

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