Baby Monkey at 21

We are a strange crew, The Girl, The Boy and me.  i was only a year older than The Girl, now 23, when she popped* into my life.  The Boy appeared two years later to complete our rag-tag hippie family. 

He’s a December baby, born on the 14th.  His first act of defiance, in fact, was to ignore his “due date” of December 3rd.  Smaller than his sister**, he was always the cuddly kid.  As a little dude, he’d hang on me, arms wrapped around my neck, clinging like a baby monkey.  Probably stopped this sometime around three years old, it was his favorite way to be carried.

Tomorrow?  He’s 21.  A milestone birthday for sure.  Our family tradition is fairly simple – the birthday kid (or parent) chooses a restaurant and we go out for an evening of silliness.  Tonight was the night, and it was much less shitty*** than last years event…

Before dinner, though, we had the goofy present bash.  The Boy isn’t much on “stuff”, really has simple needs, so finding an appropriate gift is a challenge.  Asking what he wanted or needed?  A book, a DVD… but then it finally hit him.  “You sort of owe me a knife, for the one that got stolen last summer…”. 

He had me there.  When i was in “Trailer Park Musical”, my character needed to strap a 6″ hunting knife to her leg at one point in the show.  Not being a “weapons” person, i borrowed a knife from The Boy.  There was a breach of security during rehearsal, and my knife was stolen.  Once i’d acquiesced to the knife, The Boy pushed the envelope a bit. “Well, how about a cross-bow?”.  When that was met with a glare, he replied “So, I guess shotgun shells are out of the question?”

The best gift of all, though, was one that didn’t cost much.  Living alone, about an hour away at the university, The Boy sometimes gets a little lonely.  He’d casually mentioned that he’d even thought about getting a cat for company, but wasn’t sure if his lease allowed pets.  i was one step ahead of him – having already ordered live companions to soften his lonely nights.

An ant farm!  The perfect gift for the isolated college student!  Discussing it with The Girl, she decided to pick up the perfect companion gift… a magnifying glass****!  When he tired of his pets, an even better way to pass the time!

Naturally, we’d been screwing with his head over these gifts.  Taunting him with hints, raising his curiosity.  Opening the magnifying glass first, we tested him.  “C’mon, guess what the other gift is!  They go together perfectly!”  He struggled… coming up empty.  Until i said “What’s the best thing you can do with a magnifying glass?”

The Boy:  Set shit on fire?

daisyfae:  [smiles, nods head… encouraging him onward…]

The Boy:  An ant farm?

My baby monkey.  All grown up… sort of…


* Wasn’t no “poppin'” about it… She was 11 pounds 2 1/4 ounces at birth.  No, it was NOT a “natural” delivery.  There would have been nothing “natural” about that…

** He was the little guy, weighing in a a mere 10 pounds 8 ounces.  Despite his diminutive size, he was also a ‘fillet’ delivery.  And though they were getting smaller, i said “Fuck This Shit” and had my tubes tied, cut, super-glued, stapled and duct taped shut a few years later. 

*** The shitstorm from last year was epic…

 **** The Girl works in a bookstore, and bought the magnifying glass there.  A customer asked her about it – and she explained that she was getting it for her little brothers birthday, to go with his Ant Farm.  The customer, a little surprised, asked “How old is your brother?”  He was even more surprised when she said “Twenty one…”

18 thoughts on “Baby Monkey at 21

  1. Not to kill the joy or anything, but isn’t it like 12 degrees where you live right now? I have a Swiss Army Knife with a magnifying glass so that I will always be able to make fire.

  2. I love ant farming. It makes me feel like god. The G should return the magnifying glass if she can. The new medium for torturing ants is chewed up bubble gum. You just stick a few of them to it and watch them struggle… and it’s easier to pick off their legs one at a time.

  3. chris – yes, but we’re having a warm spell. up to the 30’s today! the winter sun is distant, so it simply takes a little longer to cook the little suckers… should have figured you’re a ‘boy scout’. always prepared…

    archie – love that analogy! and i’ll pass along your regards. the poor kid has a lousy ‘adult’ role model, so i suspect both of my kids will stay young til they die. that’s my plan…

    nursemyra – if not the ants? sea monkeys are always fun! you don’t cook them when you get bored with them, though. you flush them down the toilet. they’ll swim against the current… all the way…. downnnnnn….

    jimmy – my life is a comedy. not a romantic comedy, mind you, but one with a bit of action, random moments of ‘hot monkey lovin’, lots of sight gags and potty humor, plus a little pathos thrown in to keep it interesting. so, kind sir, laugh yer ass off! that’s what it’s all about…

    upset waitress – you, my dear, are a genius! The Boy always did think you were pretty hot. i’ll be sure to pass along your suggestion…

  4. We saw an awesome “ant farm” at the Bug Zoo in Victoria whilst on holiday last month. Must have had about twenty individual compartments, and two big terrariums, all connected by clear tubing. It was populated by Leaf Cutter ants. It was my first peek at an ant “graveyard”.

    Pass along birthday greetings to the boy from us ‘uns up here in the Great White North!

  5. Did he specifically mention he wanted a cat? I’m betting he said he gets kind of lonely, and he would like to get a little pussy around there.

    You could get him a hooker. If you play your cards right, she might have a colony of some close relatives of ants.

  6. good golly…what exactly does one feed a colony of ants? I have killed off more fish than I can count and one Russian tortoise. I have been more fortunate with my pups.
    Please pass on the warning to the Boy that the magnifiying glass is to be used outdoors only. Attemping to create a spectacular display of vairous mirrors and such to reflect the sunlight into the farm would be really cool but could cause a few problems.

    psst.. for you I have one, well 2, words…Malleys Chocolate.

  7. Wow, an ant farm and a magnifying glass. If I had that set, I’d like to see those little shits up close and personal, sans refraction from the blazing sun. I do love bugs.

    So, did he like the gifts?

  8. 11 pounds 2 1/4 ounces
    Holy Jaysus!
    You’re still in one piece?!?
    God Bless you and your miraculous birth portal.
    My wife is in agony right now (after telling her about this)

  9. yeah, shopping for my brother is really (not) exciting. This year’s wish list: canisters for his kitchen (he finally left my parents’ home) and ammo for his 7 fireams. In previous years I’ve had the fun of buying him jeans, socks, floormats for his truck. My dad is worse. Socks have been under the tree for that man for 3 decades. Whoopee, socks.

  10. unbearable banishment – ummm….. no… my objective is to ‘keep him alive til he’s 25’ and hope that the scary stuff is behind him by then. feeding wreckless habits? ummm… no…

    rob – i love bug zoos… that sounds cool. will pass along your birthday wishes….

    little fish – he has a ‘sesame street’ attention span. maybe for this christmas? an anteater? like it…

    uncle keith – now that you mention it, i’m not sure exactly what was said… like the idea of an alternative bug colony. he could carry them with him to class, and to the grocery… and onto my sofa downstairs?!!!

    blazngscarlet – get “Uncle Milton’s”. there are knock offs, but he was the original! we also used to have a Sea Monkey ranch… very fun!

    hisqueen – as chris mentioned above, the sun isn’t going to be strong for a few months, and my guess is that he’ll lose the magnifying glass before summer… and if i ever get up north? Malleys it shall be!

    renalfailure – oh, he wants one. plays with my Xena sword all the time… he watches “Cutlery Corner” and dreams of a katana of his very own. maybe for his 40th b-day, i’ll think about it…

    fragrant liar – i’m kinda curious myself how this is going to work! maybe a little biology lesson along with the pyrotechnics. he loved his gifts. his sister got him some Spanish books, including one on ‘how to score’, we found some fun DVDs, but i think he’s looking forward to getting his test tube full of insects in the mail!

    michael – oh, no! both of them were c-section! i STILL wouldn’t be walking if i’d passed either one of them out the way nature intended… should have had the doc put in velcro after the first one… tell your wife to relax!

    ame i – we used to complain about a ‘socks and underwear’ christmas. you should buy your dad some high quality porn to go with those socks. that’ll rattle things up around the ol’ christmas tree!

    syncopated eyeball – he’s always had a thing for matches. hadn’t made the sagittarian connection before… i attributed it to “Beavis and Butthead”…

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