Tiger Woods’ Penis and You

i have absolutely no interest in where Mr. Woods has placed his dick.  Nor Mr. Letterman before him. 

Sex addiction?  What fucking planet are you people on? 

We are a nation at war.  Students are rioting in the streets of Tehran.  Bodies pile up in Baghdad, and we are ripping another 30,000 young souls from their families for target practice in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Oh, and can we take a moment to consider that there’s some pesky international meeting about the future of climate on the planet?

Domestically?  10% of the available workforce still seeks employment, and faces an uncertain future.   Gall bladder surgery can drive a family into bankruptcy because we have no health care safety net.

And yet all i can find on the news this morning are reports on the whereabouts of Tiger Woods’ penis.

Idiocracy.  It’s not just a movie.  We’re livin’ the dream, bitches….

~~~~~~~~~

NOTE:  To all of you nimrods who landed here because you were searching the terms “Tiger Woods penis”?  Seriously.  What the fuck were you thinking?  Don’t you have something more important to do?  Jeeeeeebush H. Roosevelt McGee Christ…. It’s the end of the world.    Oh, but the dude googling “shark pimp”?  That’s funny….

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37 thoughts on “Tiger Woods’ Penis and You

  1. I can’t stand it. I really should stop watching the news. Or reading papers. Or surfing the Web. And the worst part is that Unbearable Banishment is right — this is what people want to see. Sigh.

  2. I’m so lame I like hearing about Tiger’s dick and balls and all his bitches. I’m sick and tired of hearing about all the health care reform and depressing war shit. It bores me. Interesting we both did a Tiger Woods dick post today. =)

  3. For the love of god, is there a man amongst us with a billion dollars in his pocket that doesn’t live the dream of having any woman he wanted sexuallly?

    …I mean come on!

    Take away Daisy’s usual well-timed humour here, and she is totally correct in her message.

  4. Well said daisyfae, well said. I believe you are a ten percenter (although there was never any doubt).

    @renalfailure: Oh, it will. It won’t be long until the porn industry rises to the occasion with a Tiger Woods version of “Nailin’ Palin”. (Did you get the pun, DP?)

  5. I wish the news people were reporting on my penis.

    By the way, it would serve him right, if Tiger’s wife started banging me. Yea, that would teach him a lesson. If she’s reading this, I’m offering my services. It isn’t the first time someone has fucked me to teach someone else a lesson.

  6. unbearable banishment – yep. bread and circus. right after the video of the world’s fattest man, who lost an entire bottle of whisky in a stomach fold…

    chris – it was the video of the ambulance leaving his house, on every network yesterday morning, that set me off. seriously? big fucking deal. so someone went to the hospital? GET OFF MY TV….

    DP – i’ll listen to the jokes. favorite so far? His wife was aske by the cops “how many times did you hit him?” she says “I don’t know, put me down for a 5…” entertainment? sure. news? no way…

    blazngscarlet – that is one of the most depressing stories i’ve ever read. and yes, that’s something that is newsworthy…

    upset waitress – you’re special. and it’s good to have you stop by!

    jimmy – no sympathy for the multitudes of women whining about what a cad he is… SHUT THE FUCK UP, ladies. Didn’t you realize he was MARRIED?!?!?!

    annie – and i don’t care about Senator Horntoad McFucknugget’s sex life either. but you’re right. scandal. it’s what’s for supper in America…

    manuel – that’s what set me off yesterday. it wasn’t news. a woman went to the hospital for stomach pains. world leaders are negotiating responses to contend with climate change. hello?!?!? anyone home?

    gnu – it belongs in “entertainment”. not headlining. and yeah, i’ll laugh at the misfortune of others, just like the next guy…

    renalfailure – there are some women who may have a few saved photos and text messages who are hoping to make a few bucks as ‘writers’ soon. does that count?

    rob – “ten percenter”? that can mean “among the 10% of humans likely to die of complications due to stupid behavior”, or “among the 10% of humans being clinically insane, yet manifesting socially acceptable behavior”…. but i’ll take the compliment. thank you…

    e4 – The DNN? Way cool! i can rename my bathroom “The Situation Room”, put maps on the mirror, and spit foaming toothpaste on them while ranting about stupid shit… i like it… and yep, the 10% doesn’t count the folks who already gave up… it’s scary.

    UK – you are just a giving kind of guy. give, give, then give some more. if that isn’t newsworthy, i don’t know what is!

    nursemyra – he’s a golfer. report on him in the sports pages. aaaaaargh…

  7. i would totally watch the DNN!

    also, the only good thing about this whole tiger woods mess is that i had a fantastic dream about david boreanaz.

    in these situations – i just hope that the mother takes the kids and leaves. rather than stick around with someone who has been unfaithful on multiple occasions (i would think the same if it were the woman). i also get really really angry at people like tiger woods – they are role models for soooo many people, and they just shit all over it by doing things like this.

  8. I hate to say it, but this whole thing finally makes Tiger Woods seem interesting. Yes, infidelity is bad, no question. But he just seemed so staid before – good to know there’s actually something going on there.

  9. The global market ramifications of where, when and who Eldrick Woods Jr. placed his penis are huge, no pun intended, (he is half black/ half asian which means he’s most likely hung like a white man), this is a man who’s yearly earnings are more than most third world countries, if he fails we may have to have a bailout cuz we all know Theeyyrrrree Great! so it is of utmost importance that we know what his penis is doing, in fact we might need to hold special hearings on his penis so we can watch congress debate about it on C-span, not like they have anything else pressing, (besides grandstanding and conspiracy theories), and if you look at Eldrick’s sponsors they are who’s who of the market, Nike, Buick, AT&T, Magnum Condoms, if Eldrick goes up in flames we all do. For Shame you do not realize this my lovely Ms. Daisyfae.

  10. My penis is such that researching its whereabouts and past excursions funds four anthropology graduate students, three single moms, and seven struggling waitresses.

    You are welcome.

  11. okay, i’ll just say it daisyfae: i have a girl crush on you. i do! if i could dream up the most perfect post this would be it! hip hip hooray for daisyfae. i love you! fanfreakintastic post sugar!

  12. dai – i doubt it helps. it’s entertainment news. i’ll give it that… another celeb train wreck. but to the exclusion of all other news? STILL?!?!? Grrr….

    little fish – maybe i should start as a correspondent on the ‘geek news network’? i’m perfectly happy crackin’ tiger jokes, but think it really gets down to his personal business… and don’t want to see it headline the evening news. every fucking night…. for the rest of all time….

    ginny – yeah, a train wreck that demands a look. schadenfreude, for sure… but it’s just too much. it’ll be headline until somebody else falls off the fidelity bandwagon in a very public way…

    kono – a Tiger Bailout? Cash for Mistresses program? *snort* If the idea of congressional hearings on “morality in the PGA” weren’t a real possibility, i’d even laugh at that… thanks for the giggle…

    casey – your penis should have it’s own independent economic advisor…. and it’s own ‘anthologies of awesome’. you are a stand up americane [salutes]

    archie – thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh my ass off this morning! palentologist? mythbusters? doubt it…

    syncopated eyeball – i’m traveling this week. in atlanta since monday night. stuck in a hotel room, i don’t have easy access to music, so the tv plays. hence my morning rant on tuesday. grrr….

    lynn – honey, that is just about the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a very, very long time! i thought i was queen of the girl crush (ask nursemyra and my mom’s hot cardiologist), but seems there’s plenty to go around! 🙂

  13. Daise — thank you for being the voice of reason. I am so disinterested in the crucifixion of our heaviliest endorsed sports god.

    This is when we have to avert our eyes from the paper, change the channel, walk away. I found with the bubble boy I was able to do it — tune it out and resist clicking the icon. As a result, I actually didn’t know anything about what the bubble boy controversy even was, except there was apparently a bubble, and a boy, until weeks later, and even then it was only one or two sentences.

    Change the channel. Or better yet, open a damn book. I have no interest in the text transcripts of someone’s indiscretions. I’ll take fictional emotional traffic accidents over the real thing every time.

  14. Dear Daisy…I thought for sure that you would just post this and move on to something new. Have you been watching too much Fox News? You have now let Tiger’s Penis dominate your post for 2 days. For shame..
    Psst doesn’t mean I think any less of you..

  15. blaiser – this is good! you make it a GAME! How much of it can i actively AVOID? i like it…. there is hope… averting eyes in waiting rooms, ‘accidently’ turning off the CNN monitor in the airport. you’re good…

    hisqueen – i have been traveling for the week. just back very late last night… sometimes hard to write on the road – especially when (get this), they expect me to WORK?!?! On travel?!!?!? unfair, i know, but this week i had some fairly serious time committments. i promise to do better… hopefully something new up by tonight…

    uncle keith – it was only a matter of time. had to be her fault, by the way. an obscenely rich man has obscenely rich needs…. and it must have been “obscenely gorgeous supermodel wife FAIL”.

    carlae – Welcome to The Park. And…. um…. yeah. i think he’s a golfer or something…

  16. It’s terribly sad. I don’t care, either. I lost shock and awe about a man and his penis (or a man’s penis) years ago. They’re all the damn same above and below the waist. Ugg.

  17. I am so with you, DF
    If his dick fell off, would anyone care?
    More importantly, would it make a sound? (laugh out loud)
    I’m sadly thinking the answer to both would be a resounding ‘yes’.
    As a rational thinking society, we are so fucked.
    ~m

  18. bunk – true… sad, but true…

    crystal – amen, sister. they’re great fun to play with, but not worthy of the worship some men expect…

    michael – if his dick fell off? it would get it’s own reality show… i’m on DVR these days to avoid it…

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