Jesus hates me because i swear…

Jesus is pissed off at me.  And i’ve got the “boo boos” to prove it. 

The Sunday bike ride took me 15 miles east of the homestead, to a quaint little town located conveniently along the bike path.  C-town is home to a small christian college, and not much else.  It is also the whitest, up-tightest and superficially politest burg in the region. 

On the weekends we head toward C-town, my bike buddy and i often grab lunch at a coffee shop, where we can play board games while waiting for our food. 

The last time we were there, i had to bite my tongue to avoid saying “MOTHERFUCK” every time the Yahtzee dice failed me…. to keep from offending the sensibilities of the nice bible students quietly immersed in… ummm…. i dunno… some sort of really pure, selfless thoughts i guess.  i sure as fuck wouldn’t know….

Needless to say, i failed, but managed to keep the decibel level reasonably low.    It was a dice game, for fuckssake…

Last Sunday, however, we’d made a pagan miscalculation.  The restaurant was closed.  As was every other good christian-run restaurant in town.  Sunday afternoon?  Family time!  Well, that got another loud “MOTHERFUCK” out of me… we headed up to the local chain sub shop for sandwiches.

Freezing our sweaty asses off in the chilled restaurant environment, it was tough to get back on the bikes in 50 degree weather without shivering.  Being a rabid multi-tasker, i was pulling my gloves out of my zippered pockets, while tooling along at an easy 10 miles an hour when Jesus got even…

Rolled my bike.  He did.  Tossed me on the ground and certainly had a good laugh as i bounced along the road like a sweaty ping pong ball lacking fashion sense…  Shredded my left knee and elbow, and left a nice divot on my right shin. 


Yeah.  i said it again.  Nothing to lose at that point….

jesus hates meimage found here…

20 thoughts on “Jesus hates me because i swear…

  1. I hope you learned a valuable lesson, you little hussy. Don’t fight the power!

    C-town is a local nickname for Cleveland, my port of birth. The description of YOUR C-town couldn’t be more different than the C-town I grew up in. You can hear lots and lots of “motherfucks” in my C-town.

  2. Whenever I hear “motherfuck” without I think of Alan Rickman.

    “Oh, yes. What was it you said to me before? Yippie-ki-yay…motherfuck.” He says the “er,” but I always just hear “motherfuck.”

    It’s a thing.

  3. I just knew the “F” bomb in any form was going to get you into trouble. I will enjoy giggling at you while you creak and ache for the next few days. Tossed you like the little bugs we are, eh.. I just spoke to my hubby the other day about the whole “Men in Black” concept of looking through the locker door at a bigger world. You just proved my point. the smallest twitch of the higher power sent you flying..Damn right he moved that rock on purpose!!!

  4. unbearable banishment – nah. i never learn. i just keep banging my head on the same walls hoping for something different to happen. DEFINITELY not cleveland. it’s like a little stepford village. sort of creepy. the people are kind of nice to us, but you can tell, they REALLY don’t like strangers. especially heathens wearing those tight bicycle trousers…

    rassles – honey, when your palms start to get sweaty? it’s a sign that you need to back away from the caffeine… it’s ok… none of the bible kids had to die hard…

    jimmy – your MIL may be the first round… stand by for the really ugly stuff….

    God – damn it. would you stop with the fucking sock thing already?

    uncle keith – no, wrong burg. in c-town, they are all taped shut, sealed with wax, with little bible stickers on them that say “do not open until wedding night or later”…

    hisqueen – i deserved the wipe out. no doubt. that? and the 15 mile ride home with knee, shin and elbow seeping blood. hurt like a moth…oh, yeah…. right….

    renal failure – wait. ninja jesus? sneaks up on me, even though i’m an atheistic existentialist humanist vegetarian-except-for-bacon type? what a bastard… oh, yeah…. right…

  5. finally i made it to the Ts in my blogroll. next time i’ll start at the bottom it feels like forever since i visited. what a post! you don’t sound too injured are you okay? note: i havent read the comments yet so i’ll probably get the answer to this question after i hit the submit button.

    funny to imagine you 86in’ the MF word in a bible town! sounds like a blast though.

  6. I hate to tell you this Daisyfae but the Jesus had nothing to do with this, it’s a known fact that one of his favorite words was “motherfuck”, they ran out of fish and booze, motherfuck he said, vendors in the temple, motherfuck he said, uh dude Judas said there’s some Roman soldiers here to see you, “Motherfuck”.

  7. Meh, I figure with beaten for our inequities, bruised for our transgressions etc., I can more or less do whatever I want without any physical toll.

    Besides, Jesus was a skinny little dude. I could take him.

  8. lynn – you’re a busy bloggin’ lady! thanks for stopping by! i’ll have the scrapes and cuts for another week or so, but was pretty lucky not to have broken a bone…. especially at my age!

    kono – seeing as his mother was a virgin? suppose “motherfuck” is fitting. sort of. or at least that he had license to use it with reckless abandon!

    casey – i’d put money on you against chuck norris. oooh…. did i say that out loud?

    annie – amazing what you can find on google image if you put in the right search words! and maybe jesus did come back. and is chuck norris or something…

    uncle keith – of course. it’s an acquired taste, but easy to tolerate… and it smells good!

  9. chris – my guess? he’d rub some salt into my wounds first, just for giggles…

    @dave – it really is kinda cool. it was so quiet there, i was worried about disturbing the studious kids with our loud dice game. so i put napkins in the lid of the box to quiet the dice, and we filled the cup with napkins to dampen the noise as we rolled… it was goofy, and big fun.

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