Karma’s a bitch

Somewhere in a past life, i must have tortured puppies.  The cutest ones.  Slowly.  With dull, rusty implements….

In fact, i’ve done some pretty nasty things in this life, but nothing i’ve done has earned me the karmic punishment du jour.

Another “required training opportunity”.  This time?  It’s the ugly 10 day “systems engineering lip service” class that i’ve cleverly kicked down the road for about 7 years.  It has sproinged into life and latched it’s rabid jaws firmly on to my professional ass.  This is the last one required.  At least i hope so – or i’ll end up on the evening news amidst a bloodbath.

The last one was painful, but only five days.  The latest?  Ten days.  At the two day point, i’ve already chewed the insides of my cheeks bloody.  My credo is simple…

Stay awake.  Smile.  Be respectful to the instructors and my classmates.  Don’t shoot Bambi*.  Remember the course is “pass/fail” – there are no bonus points for over-achievement.  Do the minimum required/expected.  Leave the room in an efficient manner.  Don’t fuck over my team mates.  Repeat all of the above as necessary.

Usually i can spot him by the third day.  The crusty ‘elder professional’ who decides that the course will be significantly enhanced by endless contributions of war stories.   Oh, no… we have an over-achiever this time.  Rearing his head mid-day during the FIRSTFUCKINGDAY of a TENDAYCOURSE he regaled us with his vast knowledge of nothing anyone cared one micro-fraction of a nanofuck about….

On the first day?  We were fifteen minutes late for lunch because he just couldn’t contain his excitement about a cost/schedule over-run from 1987.  i could not make this shit up.  19-fucking-87.

On the bright side?  The two tag-team instructors are with us.  They have already promised us that if we behave, and stay on track, we can finish up the course requirements in a mere nine days, giving us all a magical three day weekend!  Woo-diddly-hoo!  Instructors who are just as interested in “checking the fucking box” as we are… this is a “win-win”!

If Mr. Elderfuckly Crustacean McYaptard doesn’t get with the program by tomorrow?  He’s going to find himself encased in a body cast of Post-it Notes, and stuffed unceremoniously in the supply closet with a broom for a butt-buddy for the remainder of the course….

You really don't want to know the atrocities i've commited in prior lives, motherfucker...

Trust me, motherfucker, you DO NOT want to know what i've apparently done in prior lives...

* “Bambi”.  Standard callsign for the young, sweet and naieve engineers in attendance.  If they want to pipe up with some inane but marginally relevant tidbit from their personal experience, i will not roll my eyes and start pantomiming a game of Russian Roulette with my dry erase marker… They are cute.  They aren’t dangerously burnt out yet.  Like me…

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21 thoughts on “Karma’s a bitch

  1. I have to slow down and read your posts more carefully. My eyes immediately went to what I thought said “FISTFUCKINGDAY”. It was neatly placed in the vicinity of “painful” highlighted sweetly in blue.

  2. I’ve lived for the moment when I could say; Stand back everybody, this particular little lady’s about to blow!

    I’ve got a fist full of cash on you chinning the timewarp guy before the cock crows tomorrow morning.

  3. Did you say TEN F-ing DAYS? Are the organizers insane? (<—— Rhetorical question.)

    I quit trying to do THREE day training sessions years ago. They simply don't work. Two days is the maximum you can expect the students to pay attention and learn anything at all.

    And, hell, two days only works when I give them the super duper, promise to have a woman strip naked and run around the room spouting dirty limericks if things go well speech.

    Sheesh, TEN F-ing days. Someone in upper management needs their heads removed from their backsides.

    TAG

  4. you certainly love the “F” bomb when you need to make an angry frustrated point.
    God help us….I hope you’re in someplace sunny and beachy. It may make it slightly worth while.

  5. This is how I felt during a three hour block of Sexual Assault Prevention training. It should not take three hours to learn how not to rape/be raped.

    I thought it was probably wildly inappropriate in THAT class that by hour two I was ready to facefuck the instructor with my boot.

  6. jimmy – oh, but i’m doing all of those “lamaze” breathing techniques that were essentially useless when i delivered my industrial sized children all those years ago. steady… steady as she goes… must. not. pop. cork.

    nursemyra – oh, you’ve seen me keep my cool under pressure before, dear… you know i can deal with an unbelievable amount of shit without raising my voice! c’mon… bet on me!

    unbearable banishment – oh, it’s a nice enough campus. and only a 5 minute drive from home. but holyscooteringjeebus, this is painful material. useless. argh. and i can’t eat cookies to stay awake…

    chris – of my small group (five of us), i’m the one with the most experience and seniority. so they’re leaning on me during the exercises and projects. i’m trying to be a good example, while reminding them that “the course is pass/fail. no bonus points for getting 72%…”

    TAG – this is an undergraduate engineering course, compressed into 10 consecutive days. 80 hours. effective learning? not an objective apparently. you are a merciful trainer… thank you… sorry i can’t take one of YOUR classes this week. and next. waaaaaahhhhhh….

    archiearchive – oh, that’s yummy! a nice strategy, perhaps, but we’re all so brain dead, i’m afraid no one would notice if i stripped naked and danced on the table… this is mind numbing stuff…

    hisqueen – only a few miles from home. which is ok, so i can come home for lunch. and i don’t generally need to be cranky to let the “f-bombs’ loose…. they run from my spigot with frightening regularity, regardless of my mood… a bad habit, i’m afraid…

    casey – we got the four hour version of SAP training. we had to watch the “date rape re-enactment” video. i was a supervisor at the time and some of my people refused to see it – for fear of too much sexual content – so i had to arrange for them to get one-on-one training instead. AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. good thing your M16 jammed up…

  7. “required training opportunity.”

    Fucking corporate speak… truly a postmodern invention where words lose all meaning. When I hear someone say one of those soulless corporate phrases out loud without any irony, I know to hate that person.

  8. daisy! you need a vacation…..with lot’s of booze and maybe some other mind altering substances…wanna come visit me here on the gulf coast of florida? c’mon over….

  9. Oh man, I feel for you. The whole ten-day thing is an unbearable cruelty to hang on anyone. We are in the training biz, and 2.5 days is generally the max, with an occasional 4-dayer. Beyond that is just absurd.

    Anyway, hope you find some things to make you laugh and hurry the lazy days of training along for you. Meanwhile, embrace Bambi for the radiant child engineer of the universe that she is. 🙂

  10. OK that was some funny shit. Hey…
    Isn’t there a lovely pond near your location? Hows about on your lunch hour putting on some walking shoes, and taking a few deep breaths of that crisp automn air as you stroll around the water’s edge, stopping here and there to take shots at the Canada geese with a BB gun – PA-THUNK! Or there’s a nice Vietnamese joint around the corner…not for the gun – for the food I mean.

  11. I’m with Renalfailure on the corporatespeak.

    Sounds to me like that old dude needs to know a “red flag” has been called on him.

    I’m old. And I tell war stories. But, I’ve been told (by some) that they like to hear my stories. Still, I’d best pay attention, hadn’t I?

    Reminds me that it’s been over ten years now since my employer embraced Six Sigma (this, like a lot of things, was copied from GE. I don’t know why these shitty programs aren’t dropped. Especially after GE walks away from them) and, even though the expectation is that all members of my job family get “certified”, I have thus far dodged that bullet. But I know that Karma is out there. Waiting. Or is that the Sword of Damocles?

  12. renalfailure – yep, but the pay fuckin’ rocks, so i’ll continue to serve my corporate masters for 8 more years… sad thing is that we ALL know that it’s a box-checker. even the instructors, who are happily giving us a half day off tomorrow as well… met some nice young ‘uns. they’re so cute before they burn out….

    lynn – oh, honey, you have no idea how good that sounds. not only stuck in class, but have a rotten cold. not debilitating, but can’t really eat the good decongestants or i’d be snoring on my keyboard… gotta take a raincheck, though. too much going on right now…

    fragrant liar – it’s not really a ‘short course’ kind of thing, but an undergraduate engineering class shoehorned into 80 hours of classtime. Really ineffective learning, for sure… and the Bambi’s? Three ‘bucks’ and one ‘doe’. They really are making it more pleasant… we got the giggles today and almost got in trouble…

    pickles – yes, you know of where i sit… but as nice as the little pond is? i can drive home and curl up in my comfy chair and pretend i’m in a happy place… but yeah, the vietnamese place is a possibility. might take the ‘kids’ out for lunch next week. and beer.

    rob – most delightfully, the teachers for the class worked with Yappy (who has a reasonable sense of humor) and are now flagging him with “OK, G, but you realize you’re keeping everyone from lunch…” and G just laughs and laughs and we then glare at him til he shutsthefuckup. it works… and fortunately, i’m in R&D. We ignore 6 sigma. Maybe you can move first?

    casey – wasn’t a “how to”… although i once told a boss that i “tested out” of the sexual harrassment course through suggestive tongue gestures… he about had a stroke…

  13. I understood not one word of this post, due to your newly (and geniously) invented Crazy Language of Make Believe.

    Mr. Elderfuckly Crustacean McYaptard?

    Brilliance.

  14. a ten day seminar? oh god, that sounds painful. and why is there always that one person?!? why?!?!

    i’ve found that the only thing that makes up for the pain and suffering of a conference is the food. if they have good food, i can forgive a lot.

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