Trailer Park Monte Carlo

And the Award for “Best Trailer Park Manipulation Maneuver of the Century” goes to: DQ.  Hands down.  No competition.  Wasn’t even a fair fight…

My niece, DQ, is masterful.  Expending the least amount of effort possible, she is able to align events and manipulate situations to suit her needs and desires.  And the latest?  World fucking class.  Best of all?  There is no room for argument or discussion – so it shall come to pass that she not only gets a home, but most of Mom’s financial assets when she dies.

Not only will i not fight this move, i shall fully support it – as it is in Mom’s best interests.  Brilliant.  She should use her talents to affect world peace.  That pesky mess in the Middle East?  She’d have them all buying her furniture and baking her cakes within a couple months…

Mom cannot continue to live alone, due to her degraded health.  Some temporary measures were taken, installation of “Life Alert”, but we knew it was only buying time.  Mom also refused to consider assisted living, being terrified of ending up in a nursing home.  The other option would be to excavate her home and make it accessible for visiting home health care, but she refuses to allow non-family members into the house – they might steal something* you know!

This is very limiting.  With my niece, DQ, her husband, BJ, and their ever-expanding litter of children living next door, there is support. DQ, in fact, swears that she is unable to work because caring for her children and Mom is a full time job.  Mom, can’t drive due to failing eyesight, and has became very dependent on DQ.

DQ felt compelled to start tossing out a veiled threat about a year ago – “You know, we plan to move to the country one of these days, and I’m not sure what Granny will do when we’re gone…”.  Which, of course, led Mom to purchase 17 wooded acres in the country, with the plan to have DQ and BJ build a house, with a small apartment attached, so they could all stay together. 

The original plan was for them to build a modest house, and build on later as they could afford it.  But ‘requirements creep’ set in, and pretty soon it was a 3,000 square foot home.  DQ soon realized that she and BJ could not afford their portion of that mortgage – and she extracted enough information about Mom’s finances to realize she couldn’t pay for it either.

BJ was laid off again in early summer, so these plans were temporarily shelved.  Combined with Mom’s recent round of health care trouble, it was time to regroup.  DQ provided top-notch care for Mom after the pacemaker was installed in late July – putting a small bed in her living room, and letting Mom move in!  Much easier for the now-pregnant DQ to provide care, she doesn’t even have to leave the house to feed her…

More importantly, Mom likes it.  She likes living there, with the kids, dogs and people coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  Even after the last angioplasty, and a full recovery, Mom doesn’t want to go home.  The revised plan – concocted while Mom was in and out of the hospital last round – was to build an addition onto DQ and BJs home (just a bedroom and bathroom) as an interim solution.  After Mom moved in, renovations on her house could commence, and she could sell it to replenish her assets.

i priced such construction at about $35,000 if the entire job were contracted out, and Mom has that cash on hand.  When i asked DQ what the estimate was? “$65,000”.  Huh? “Well, it’s 800 square feet – she wants a living room, too!”.  Oh.  That’s the size of my first fucking house!  Missed that part.  There’s that “requirements creep” thing again… see a pattern?

There was a glitch in the plans, but DQ managed to find a means to bypass that as well… DQ and BJ are renting their house from his parents, who bought it after DQ’s bankruptcy to give them a place to live.  Mom wasn’t sure she wanted to put her cash into a house they didn’t own, and was reluctant to proceed… 

DQ pushed hard to get started – “Gotta get it under roof by winter!” When Mom still balked at the idea, DQ – who told me this idea came to her in a dream – suggested that the addition be added to Mom’s  house, and that they could then gut and renovate her home, which is completely paid for, using a home equity loan (against her house).

This would provide a nice, comfortable living place for the entire troupe!  And it wouldn’t cost DQ and BJ a cent!  i discussed all this with Mom – to make sure this is what she wants and that she’s not being railroaded.  She was concerned that DQ and BJ would possibly be ‘thrown out on the streets’ after she died.  She wanted my assurance that they’d be allowed to keep the house (which represents the vast majority of Mom’s assets).

daisyfae: Momma, you put it in your will, and i promise to execute according to your wishes.  As i’ve said before, if you want to leave it to your cat, that’s your business…

Mom: I’m a little worried about cash.  I won’t have much left after we do this…

daisyfae: You have 17 acres in the country that can be put on the market and sold.  That’s cash.  i strongly recommend that you sell the land to replenish your liquid assets.

Mom: DQ said they want to still try to build the house out there…

daisyfae: Of course they do!  You’re already giving them a house.  After you’re gone, if they want to sell it and do something else, you will have put them in a position to do that… very generous of you, i think.

Mom: Will the rest of the family be mad?

daisyfae:  Doesn’t matter.  DQ is taking care of you, since she’s the only one without a job, she’s in the best position to do that.  If you want to leave her everything, that’s your business.  i don’t see anyone else offering you a bed in the living room…

Mom’s worried about change, worried about creating a rift in the family, worried about the emotions that will come with gutting her home of 50 years.  Me?  None of that is on my list… but just a nasty little tickle.  Once DQ has maximized her “return on investment”, and there is no chance for increased profits?  What then? 

i knew DQ was good.  But even i didn’t see this unfolding until the final ‘reveal’.  Bravo…

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* Clearly it was a family member who stole, and likely pawned, my father’s tenor sax. Right. We trust family. Paid strangers, who are bonded and insured? Notsomuch…